"You don't know how much I've fallen in love with you..."
Yesterday, mom bugged me with her fengshui-stuffs,
While I didn't slept well the night before yesterday...
...Thanks to some certain calls =w=
That, I guess, had already made my day quite bad...
After those, we started to chat...
On the house phone...
Yeah, it's rare, I noticed.
And I would do this only because...
My phone bill has gone waaaaaay too up:
RM247+ OTL|||
Okay, that aside...
We chatted...
Like usual, you told me your stories...
I told you mine... (Though you always say more than I do)
I have a great time, yes I do.
I even forgot the reason I was so enraged about in the morning.
Until you told me that...
Well, I can't stay in your house for that day.
Huh.
A huge stone just dropped onto my head, and broke apart.
Ah, yes, it might mean nothing to you, but for me, it does.
After chatting with you, I called Kou and told him this.
One point, he said "Huuuhhh... Then better if don't go at all?"
I agree to his saying, for some point.
And I'm thinking, maybe that present was meant to be opened alone.
Not with me.
Hahaha...
Oh well, that's what will happen in the future anyway.
I won't be around you anymore...
And I'm not even sure if you still--- no.
I'm actually still confused about our relationships.
Official or non-official, another good question to ask.
What means official?
What means non-official?
What must we do to make it official?
Is it feeling, or actions?
Hmmm...
At the beginning, I had no feelings at all...
Or, that's what I thought so.
...maybe not.
Since I walked like a zombie and closed the door.
Slumping onto my chair and stared at the monitor.
What should I say?
What should I type?
What should I reply?
Especially when you messed up my birthdate?
And seriously, did you really cared?
Oh, I'm not sure about that.
And I told you, I was NEVER yellow.
I may look like a happy-go-lucky girl,
But in my heart, I'm not at all.
*sigh* I don't know.
Well, a smiley face in the back is the best thing that represent my depression.
And as you went to work, you SMSed me.
My replies? Well, you read 'em.
But how many are truth and lies?
And which one is to tell myself, not to you?
"Dunno? Maybe both of us won't go to your place if your mum dislikes us. Hmmm."
You don't know how HARD it is to make this kind of "maybe".
You don't know how HARD it is to reply your messages from this point.
Regarding this...
"It's not important."
Oh really, now.
Not important?
So NOT important that I need to repeat that for a few times?
Seriously?
Or was I trying to convince myself that it's REALLY not important?
That I shouldn't mind it, that I shouldn't think about it?
"Don't mind me, go work, go work.
Just go to work..."
Half a truth.
I want someone to hold me now,
I want someone to talk to me now,
But you're far away, and you're busy.
And I'm in a deep depression.
And so... I shall close myself up...
For the time being.
The above, is what happened in the SMSes.
But during that time, I updated my status in FB as well...
"Sometimes, I really feel like smashing things, especially when I'm in rage.
But then, thinking about the consequences, I swallow it down.
And now, it hurts so much as I can't release it out.
Especially when the only thing you hold is your phone."
I already had a few images in my head,
That I wanted to throw out my phone,
And let it smashed open and break apart,
Just like how I did it with my previous phone...
But this phone, had another thing that I couldn't put myself to throw it:
The snake.
How hard is to get this snake,
How hard is to get YOU to accompany me and fix it...
No, I'm not going to break it.
And with this, I wrote the previous post in my blog.
Then, your reply.
And my reply:
"-shakes head- no. It's alright. I'm alright. =3"
Smiley face.
On the phone.
But behind those keyboards,
If you truly saw me,
Will you even feel pain when you look at me?
Trying to NOT cry,
Trying to reply in the best way for you,
Trying to convince myself at the same time...
That nobody would CARE that if I cry...
Nobody, would care.
Nobody.
"You have fun at your working place la. ^w^"
Yes, please have fun there.
I don't wish my depression to reach you.
I don't wish you to be sad,
Or feel any sorts of guilty.
So please, have fun there.
"I guess, if the love wasn't true, I won't be suffering so much right now"
So much pain.
So much suffering.
I had once forgotten, yet all are back again.
Nobody would understand this the best...
Except for myself.
And during this point, I have understood...
How much had I fallen for you...
Or rather, how deep had I fallen for you...
Even if my mind said no,
And rejected it with my whole body.
But my heart is like a magnet that wanted to be with you.
All the jealousy that I felt,
All the joys that I felt...
Looking at you with another person - regardless the gender,
Having you by my side - regardless what's the situation...
Your reply.
You said you would ignore me if I don't speak it out.
Hah.
"Then please ignore me for the whole day, please."
This, is a truth.
Since I'm so much in pain that I don't wish anyone to bother me.
But oh, so much that I hoped that you would appear beside me...
It's NOT possible.
So if you can't come, please leave me alone... for now.
Because...
"我宁可你真心的无视我，也不愿你假意的关心我。"
And with that...
"Oh fuck. I actually cried. *LAUGHS* This is VERY amusing... Very."
Though I said:
"Ke neng wo zhi shi shui bu hao, xin qing bu hao.
Bie zai yi, hao ma? =3"
You asked if it's your fault...
"-shakeshead-
Even if it is, I will not think as so. So no, it's not your fault. If I truly wanna find something to blame, it shall be everything else."
Yes, it shall be everything else.
It shall be me, myself.
Because I'm the one who caused myself to be like this.
You said you're sorry.
For what?
"I told you, it's not your fault. There's just too many things happened in the morning, ok?"
Yeap, too many things.
My mom, the band thingy...
I'm trying to grasp a space for myself.
But sadly, I can't.
And after listening to your replies, I just can't...
I can't let myself go so easily...
And during the "intermission",
I texted something,
Just to express myself:
"I hate crying.
'cause it waste my tissues.
I hate crying,
'cause it blocks my nose.
I seriously hate crying.
'cause it hurts my body.
Yet, I can't stop."
And there's a silence between the both of us... as you gave me time?
Hmm, I would like to believe that though.
But my mind said otherwise.
Negativity. Haha.
And so, I helped my mom out, AGAIN. (THE HECK?! =A=?!)
And went to school... finally...
Had a quiz...
As I threw my phone into my bag.
Because I don't it to become my bother.
The next time that you texted me,
I had just finished the quiz and had took the phone out.
"Aiya, wa bo dai ji e la~ x3"
Yeap, during this time, I've recovered.
So... well, that, during this time, is a truth...
Hah.
===
This is... almost the whole thing that happened yesterday.
Reasons of my depression,
And my actions that's in contrast of my words.
Though, if you really read at them,
I've shown too much of a hint about my emotions.
Especially in FB.
Where I don't conceal at all... regarding the same topic.
BAH!
I'm done here.
This is the truth you want, and you shall get it.
I'm not responsible on how you feel or whatsoever.
You may ignore, and just walk past away.
I don't care, and I don't mind.
Because that's how my mind said.
"You won't understand why is that it happened..."
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