Insert: Raise Your Glass [by The Warblers in GLEE]
I don't deserve to rant.
Why?
My family treats me too well for me to rant.
They give what I want and what I don't want.
They don't have arguments or divorce problems.
They love each other too well.
They take care of me, like, overprotective.
They love me but I'm the only one that doesn't feel it.
So yeah, I don't deserve to rant.
Whenever people were talking regarding their families,
They always have major problems (my closest friends, not those dumb strangers...)
Like, divorce, siblings causing troubles, being abused, blah blah blah.
Me?
I have no sorts of things happened like that in my life.
I'm far too lucky.
Compare to them.
Still.
I wished to change my life with them.
Oh yes, that's one kind of a twisted thought I had.
And for such a long time.
Or maybe I watched too much animations that it somehow altered my mind.
Whatever.
Still.
I wanted to change my life with them.
Because that would somehow make me feel stronger, I think.
Rather than being stuck in this cage, being protected and loved...
I don't know, I just... don't like my family.
I don't deserve to NOT like them, because that's how people want theirs to be, but...
I really, REALLY, want to change my life with them.
You want my keyboard? Sure, have it.
You want my laptop? Sure, have it.
You want my money you want my life you want my parents you want my family?
Sure. HAVE IT.
I want to get rid of them, and be independent.
I felt like being pampered too much by them to be independent.
Of course, all the cause is because I'm too lazy and everything - still.
Can I have my life to be switched with you?
You want the fames, you want the flames, get it.
I really don't mind giving up in all of those so that I can live alone INDEPENDENTLY.
Oh yes, I really hate myself.
Because despite I had SOOOOO much things that people wanted to have:
Love, money, life, school life, parents, loving family, whatevernot...
I have ALL of them.
Yes, I can... not proudly, but honestly tell you, that I have ALL of them.
But I'm not satisfied.
Not the love they gave is not enough, not the money not the life not EVERYTHING.
They gave me EVERYTHING, and perhaps it's TOO MUCH for me to even FEEL a thing.
I dislike this.
I dislike the ME I've been raised.
I dislike myself.
Oh yes, I do.
That's why sometimes, when I said that I'm in love with someone...
I can understand why I'm not being loved back.
I don't deserve people's loves.
Nuh-uh, I'm serious.
I don't even love my family I don't even love myself.
How can I love somebody else when I... don't feel any loves?
I can proudly and honestly tell you I'm selfish.
Because I can't feel the love, at all.
When people (mostly friends, and families) tell me they love me...
I don't know, I just... don't believe it.
I would doubt, and I would shrug.
My mom always said this to me:
"You must be thinking that it's a matter of course for us to love you, right? And because of this, you won't treasure the things beside you!"
Hmm, I wonder how many percent was that true.
Because I never thought that it's a matter of course for you people to love you - or rather, I would prefer that you don't. And it's not that I don't treasure the things beside me, it's just that I don't really need them, like, seriously.
The guitar... I don't even learn it.
The keyboard... I'm borrowing it to one of my best friends.
The laptop... I want it because like, I don't want to bother my friends many times to borrow theirs in school.
The PSP... hey, it's sis-in-law who doesn't want it, okay? It's not that I want this because I dislike the PS2.
Hmm, what else they said that I don't cherish? Well, everytime I ask for new things, they said that.
They just nagged and talked, and think that I shouldn't borrow those that's supposed to be precious to me to anyone else. But... Hmm.
Oh well, maybe it's really my problem, or they just don't understand me.
They always say "Come down, don't lock yourself inside the room! How can we even understand each other if we're not talking?"
The point is: We're too far away. Me and my siblings? We're like, one decade away. You can't blame me for being an outcast in the house. Even though I wanted to talk...what should I talk about? Animes? Games? Oh no, they're too smart for these kinds of stuffs.
And what they always talk about? Their works, their jobs...
Oh, they work in the same company, so.
So what can I say? Music? They don't have the same sense as mine. I listen to Japanese songs, they don't. I listen to Broadway songs, they don't. And they call me to stop listening to Japanese songs because it affects how I talk and everything and blahblahblah and my singing style---
Yes. I know that.
But of all stuffs - DON'T INSULT THEM.
But did they listen? Oh they sure not.
I don't even bother proving - okay, that's my bad for NOT proving myself to you.
*sigh*
So much happened in the weekly "Fantoi" session...
And they kept on "urging" each other to "voice out" their problems...
I don't feel like voicing out - why?
Those wasn't even some freaking PROBLEM compare to theirs!
And so, I'll just keep my quiet.
I'm only saying about people's problems that had no concern with mine.
At all.
Like, my brother and my sis-in-law and how they treat their son.
Not even my problem. *headdesk*
I just don't feel like talking about mine - because they aren't really... problems.
I'm NOT neglected.
I'm NOT a poor kid.
I'm NOT being abused.
I'm NOT with unloving parents.
I'm NOT the eldest.
I'm NOT the one who's gonna carry the house one day.
And something I wished: I'm NOT their child.
But it's a wish.
(I hope it'll come true, so that I can use this excuse to escape...
I'm so bad. OTL|||)
My family is just like every other families.
NORMAL. Family.
No finance problem, no family problems, no working problems...
NO. PROBLEMS.
The only problem is only my heart and how I see all of these, I guess?
And they always call me to reflect - I CAN'T EVEN REFLECT.
All I thought during that time is HOW they treat me.
And HOW MUCH I wish they treat me differently.
Can they just like, ignore me?
I wanted to be ignored.
I wanted to be poor.
I wanted to be pitied but not be looked upon.
I wanted to... be whatever that the others doesn't want to.
Of course, that's just plain selfish - I know.
That's why I can't say a single word.
And so, I type.
Not for anyone to see - I don't think people would even be so free to stalk your blog everyday to see your updates and I don't think people would even CARE about what you shared in FB.
Only someone like ME who's so 38 and kepoh and BORED to do such a thing to go and like and comment and trying to butt in people's business--- whatever.
And it hurts me so much to see people's family worse than me... because I would feel so much lucky and I would just shut up and can't give any good comments for them because... well, I'm... lucky.
Yeah.
Lucky.
Yeah.
Trying to convince myself here.
Yeah.
Padahal in my WHOLE life I have never been stressed before.
I told this to Yuki because in one of the phone session 2 years ago...
That, I don't feel stressed about anything,
Is because I'm stressed with my family. Too much.
Hmm.
Now I'm afraid to open a drinking party in my house.
Because I MIGHT go slam open my parent's door and start screaming at them.
Something I NEVER do in my whole 19 years of living.
Am I being too obedient to them? *shrugs*
And whenever I rebelled - somehow, which in my thoughts they're considered quite minor,
My mom would just nag nag nag and said something that I've grown up blahblahblah and being much worse.
Where... I'm actually being much expressive than previously.
I'm trying to VOICE OUT what I DIDN'T in the past... decade.
Because I'm trying to respect you elderly people.
But apparently, that's not enough for you to understand me.
Or you just can't believe I'm actually not the one you're hoping for me to be. *shrugs*
Look, at least I don't SCREAM in front of your face. All I did, was yell for one word, and then I kept quiet and swallow all my other words in.
Hell, Yuki even said that I'm suffering from injustice...whatever 委屈 meant.
But... compare to their problems, I... I just... don't think mines are problems!
Damn.
I wanted to rant but I have no place to rant.
Luckily I have Kou. *sigh* And I guess I have yet to open up to the others...yet.
Nope, not even Reina, though I don't mind for her to know but... I just can't speak it out. *sigh*
It feels AWKWARD. =x=
And I don't know WHY. =3=
===
And over here, I need to apologize to... the people I loved - or rather, being with me before -
And... STILL, in love with.
*sigh* Oh yeah, I need to admit this.
I'm still in love with the people I loved/been with before.
Or rather, I just can't forget/discard those feelings.
*cough* Anyway, enough for my "confessions" which... they aren't really IS a confession.
(Grammar mistakes...skip it.)
I wanted to apologize for being... mean.
Yeah, mean. (Or overly sarcastic that I'm actually sound like wanted to have a fight with you... which I really don't meant to do so... whatever.)
I don't meant to be mean but...
I just... I don't know. *scratches head*
It just happened that way.
Perhaps I'm just being hurt too much.
Or, I just am disappointed at how you are right now.
...I guess.
*sigh*
And another thing I found out - I'm only sarcastic (or being mean) to those that I really, really, loved.
And treasured.
Which is, a bad thing - I know.
I'm literally hurting the people I loved, and myself for being mean (and thinks of negative stuffs OTL|||)
GAH! This is so confusing! *ruffled with my hair*
Whatever, you can ignore this part.
Just remembered that I'm sorry, and you can ignore the others.
There: DONE.
===
I guess there's really times that I'm so selfish that...
I have that thought of "Yeah, it's like, you owe me a lot and you should've pay me back in this way."
That's why when someone decided to belanja me or anything, I would be so glad to accept it.
Oh yes.
That's why when it's my birthday, and like, someone FOR THE VERY FIRST FRIGGIN' TIME decided to like, belanja me (is that my first time being belanja'd? I think so), and I was like "FINALLY! Someone decided to like do this. GREAT! I don't need to pay! All my pay off in the past is like, finally paid off! Yeap, I definitely DESERVES this."
Oh my, I really sounded like a freaking pampered princess, don't I?
But that's really what I was thinking that day. March 31st 2011.
Therefore I need to thank the people here again: Kou, Qiqi, Reina... and Yuki for that wig. The rest of the 3 for like, having a surprise party for me.
Seriously: I'm really... touched.
My very FIRST. FREAKING. TIME.
In like, NINETEEN YEARS.
I have something different.
DIFFERENT.
And it feels so special that... I feel like crying everytime I thought about it.
It's really the best birthday, EVER.
I love you guys. <3
===
OKAY OKAY! I've ranted ENOUGH!
It's friggin' 3:16 A.M. right now...
Great.
Tomorrow 8a.m. I still have a breakfast to catch up with.
WITH MY FAMILY.
......can I like, not go?
And then they will say things like "Why you're so separated with us blahblahblah..."
"Families should talk!"
"Family is the most important thing in the world!"
...and the yadayada-HEN.
Okay, stop ranting and putting inputs.
Oyasumi, minna.
Thanks for reading up 'till here. =3
Love ya people. <3
