Many things happened.
I couldn't even put them into words anymore.
The stories are just too long for me to even put it in a single post.
I've been constantly updating my own FB status that I don't feel a need to vent in this place anymore...
...but it's not really that, I guess.
I've made all my problems as general as they are, not turning my fingers onto anyone specific. It's not that I want to keep them a secret, it's more like... I don't want to hurt anybody in specific, or make myself a target for them to hate on.
But guess what? It doesn't work if that's the case, 'cause there will still be people venting about me. *snickers*
I wanted them - all those that read the statuses - to realize their problems and actually KNOW when to not cross my line... but all they do were just "Was it me? Speak it already!"
Pffft.
If you THINK it's you (even though sometimes it's not you, or anyone at all), then CHANGE already. CHANGE so that I don't HATE you.
But no, people decided to go ask questions instead of changing for the better. -sigh-
Well, that's that. What's done is done. I cannot ask for more, don't I? *shrugs*
= = =
Many things happened, as so I've said.
My feelings never changed towards everything around me.
My love for a certain one.
My hatred for a certain place.
My dream to a certain place.
My hope to a certain group of people.
Never changed.
And so was the disappointments.
I thought I got over them already, but it never did.
I thought I can get over with my feelings, but it just keep on creeping back into me.
So one day, I decided...
I gave up on giving up on my feelings.
I shall embrace them, and let them to merge with me.
I will not let them advance, but I can't force them out.
So I'll wait, until one day... something change.
I will face all of them, but I won't actively face all of them.
I'll face them when it comes.
But for now, let them sleep. Let them hide beneath this mask.
Let me continue this facade a little longer.
Let me out of trouble a little longer.
Let me enjoy this... a little longer.
= = = = = = = = = =
I have confessions to make. In fact, I have a lot.
1. I would be glad to harbor your hatred onto me. I will not escape, and I will not let your hatred to land on any of my cared ones.
2. I am not as confident as you may think I am. I may boast about my abilities, but I never thought that they can get to somewhere far in reality.
3. I may be brave, but in reality, I would rather run away than to face them.
4. I do not fear death, but I fear meaningless death... like, car accidents that happens because I'm careless and it should not happen.
5. I am... some sort of a mental-masochist. While I do not enjoy pain to my physical body, I am able to embrace pain to my inner heart. Not by insulting me, but by agonizing me. Not by disgusting me, but by saddening me. It's like, I would enjoy sad endings, even though I prefer happy endings... but it's the sadness that is beautiful. That kind.
6. I am callous. I do not care about people. Yet I empathize with people. I understand their pain and I would cry in their stead. It was the weirdest clash within me, and I do not understand which part of it is real.
7. I am scared of myself. I am scared of myself being able to hurt the others. I am scared when I hurt the others. I am scared when I induced fear onto innocent children. It happened once, and it never happen again.
8. I am a twisted kind of person. It's not the fact like people like gore and like killing, it's the kind of mindset that I have. In front of people I'm a saint, behind the people I'm a devil. I wished for world's peace, and yet I do not care when a person die. I'm a hypocrite, yet I am not one. If I have to reason this out, it's because it's the nature, the karma, and the cycle of life that all of these happened. However, war and pollution should not happen. It is not part of the karma - rather, it's people building bad karma with war and pollution, therefore increasing their length of payment before they can even pay. Therefore I do not believe in war, but I'm ok with people dying because that's their payment.
9. I love to justify one thing - in fact, I justifies EVERYTHING that I can. About myself, about my own reasoning, about one person's faults, about why a person does this and that, about why a person commits crime... etc. I try to find the good points of everyone before I find/talk about the bad ones.
10. Yet, I resort to complain about every single bad things I come across after that. I guess I'm no different than those people that I am disgusted on, for I am disgusted of my own self.
11. I never felt the right to complain, and I have always been suppressing my own negative thoughts. I have always thought that there's people that's worse than my own experiences, therefore I shouldn't complain... but it pains me to suppress all these things. It hurts. Yet I couldn't find a soul to complain to, because my problem, as to compared to theirs, are worthless. Therefore even when I'm complaining, I'm suppressing. Because I'm not the worst. Just because of that. And it really hurts.
12. My own agony came from how good and how well my family was. Just because of that, I have to compel with their rules, because "I should have nothing to complain of" from this kind of family and upbringing. Yet, this is the root of my agony. I seemed to have freedom, but the chain came from where "I cannot complain anything at all"... and this chain is my family indeed.
13. I tend to forget my troubles after I speak about them - in any platforms at all. Therefore I rarely blog anymore, because I forgot all of them. Yet, there are stuffs that I can never tell anyone, and they're still here, within me. That's why I typed this post out, so that I can finally put them into rest. Heh.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
One last thing before I really went to my slumber, was that...
I love you.
I really do love you.
Even though you're a fabricated fantasy of mine, or anyone who will probably not grow into my kind of fantasy...
I love you.
Because of you I managed to feel the sweetness that I couldn't feel from anyone else, and the kindness that I couldn't feel from anyone else...
I guess I never loved anyone else except for you.
You are the unrequited love that I've been aching my heart at, and the beauty that I've always been looking at.
Nobody else can take over your position.
I've tried not to think of you when I really get a lover, but I guess that's what stopped me from moving on.
The shapeshifter in my mind, I love you.
But you are not real, therefore I cannot love you even though I really do.
Heh.
But otherwise... I love you.
The real one.
That will never return my feelings as I harbor for you.
Heh. Heheheh. Heh.
I am so twisted.
