I will come to you, my love...

Insert: Anata ni deawanakereba ~ Natsuyuki Fuyuhana ~ (by Aimer)

I guess... there's nothing else left in Malaysia that I have ties to.
Of course, my families aside, I guess there's nothing else much that's chaining me down.
I have received the key to my locks, and I will free myself when I'm fully prepared.

In one year's time.

In one year's time...
I will take up Jap lessons, and go teach more kids.
I'll take up drum exams, and I'll write more songs.
I'll get the right accommodations, and I'll look around for one last time.

My stage is not here - not today.
I will be back in 10 years time... if I can make it that far.
If I can't - at least I tried, and at least I did something that's worthy.
One that's part of my dream, and I'm just one step closer in realizing it.

Yes. I will make my dream came true.

Of course, the reason within the dream changed - but the final destination will still be there.

Japan.

I will come for you.

I will.

No. I must.

There's nothing else left in here.

Until then, I shall be ready to finish my challenges in this place.
I'll get more money and buy that...

YES.

I NEED MONEY TO BUY THAT TOO.

First - KONTAKT.
Then - all within SPITFIRE AUDIO.

But if I'm so greedy, I probably couldn't last for only 1 year :/

Hmm. I'm gonna find some alternatives...

BUT I'M DEFINITELY GETTING THE HZ01!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love them taiko sounds <3<3<3

Ok. My mind is set.

I'm gonna save up money.

I need at least RM6000 for this year...damn that's gonna be hard. OTL|||

Oh well. Time to work FOR MOAR. >DDD

OHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I Have Something to Tell You...

Insert: Hajimete no Koi ga Owaru Toki (Choucho cover)

Ok. I've think all over and I know what's the reason for telling you all of that.

I've been thinking, that, the letter has been tying you down... maybe.
'cause, I asked, for you not to, erm, leave? Something like that?
But... you know what?

It's actually harder for me to cope with it.

Sure, you've been a great friend but...

My feelings just can't be stopped and I have no idea why.

That's why sometimes I'm very cold to you, or very... I don't know, sarcastic?

I'm trying not to show what I really feel, 'cause it might really... uh, disgust you, maybe.
Or creep you out.

I mean, I really... do...

Then again, I tried myself not to, and something just conflicted within myself.
So.
Things just happened, and I... I just hurt you more and does more than I wished.
So...

So I'm asking you, again, that you would... disregard everything that's in that letter.
'cause I truly regret in writing those words down.

I do not want you to be tied down because of those words.
And if you really do want to leave, please... just... yeah.

You don't need to care about how I feel, 'cause it's actually easier for me to cope with it.

Maybe I'll ask "why don't you care?!" but after some while, I might feel better.
It's bitter, but it's better this way.

After all, I'm more used to this than being used to the uncertainties that would happen.

My feelings, I will keep to myself.
I'll contain them with whatever I could, and perhaps no one can change how I feel.

But...

I hope that you keep true to your own, and ask yourself... think...

If...

If you...

If you do care for me as just a friend would do...

Then...

"Deatta, yokatta... Kimi ga... suki..."

*smiles*

I guess, that's rare enough XDDD

Maa maa maa, I've been thinking too much. Sorry HAHAHA XD

And, after all, I don't think there's a need for me to be around anymore.
It's fine for me to leave this place as soon as possible. =3
There's nothing else that I should be concerned about in this place...

= = =

*cough* I'm not even sure if I have the courage to let you read this *LAUGHS*

After all, you're a super sensitive fox. =v=;;;

Are you serious, or not?

Insert: Kyle Landry's Compositions

A lot of times, I've been thinking...

"You're not serious, right?"

'cause a lot of times, whatever we said, whatever we want to do, it sounds like a joke to me.
Or a very unplanned shit that will never happen in the future...
Or something so insignificant that will be forgotten...

I did not.

I cannot.

But when someone started to lost their fire, mine died as well.

= = =

You said you wanted to cosplay this and that, but how many have you SAID but want to really work on it and do it?

You said you wanted to do some videos, but how much did you actually put into thoughts and actually plan them out?

You said you wanted to do a lot of stuffs, but how far and deep can you concentrate on that without being sidetracked?

You said I can do this and that, but are you mocking/teasing my skills or you really mean it?

So many things that have been said, but... I only listen. I take no serious consideration, even though I really thought of plans for what that has been said... so yes, I was serious, for that moment, and then...

I noticed that there's no fire in there.

What for should I be serious on it too?

= = =

So many works that needed to be done.
I really thought that I can finish them alone... but the world does not work that way.

Humans are funny things - they need to "cooperate" with each other in order to achieve some sort of goal... why?

Why must humans need each other? Why can't they just be... alone... Independent... Do shits alone...
Why can't we be like, erm, snakes? (Is that a good example?)
I mean, snakes, uh, hunt and live mostly by themselves... isn't it?

Why can't we be like them?

Is it because of the skill slots are allocated differently for everyone that's why we need to cooperate in order to do something that we don't know and... shits?

Still, why can't a human live on their own?
Like, hermits?
It's possible right?

At least in that way, you don't need to worry if the people you're "cooperating with" is serious, or not.
There's only you, and only you.

Yesyes, it'll be boring and lonely... but hey, what's better?
Be disappointed, or be lonely?

Both are equally bad, actually... but loneliness might ensure your survival rate, since... well, you'll learn to be independent... or you'll just commit suicide because, well, you're lonely. :/

Other than that, I see no qualms in it... I guess?

= = =

So yeah.
Rants.
More rants.
About seriousness and shits.

Oh well.

Nothing's interesting in this world anymore. =v=

Everyone's just... living their life, like, following the flow~
What's the catch on it?
A steady life? With entertainments and shits?

I have a dream, but how many can get my seriousness in it?

-sigh-

Oh well. |3

Wordless Bitterness

Insert: Going Under (by Evanescence)

You.

You do NOT trust me.

You do NOT trust my judgment.

You do NOT trust my judgment and my words.

I have explained, and yet you do not understand.

Which part of my English do you not understand?
Which part of "this is not aimed at you" do you not understand?

Yes, I do meant to shoot you - I really do.
But this one is clearly not about you.

You felt it, because I've told you.
I've told you, in a different platform.
I've told you, in a different way.
I've told you, that this is in a whole entirely different situation.

Though similar, it's DIFFERENT.

DIFFERENT.

Yes, you're hurt.
Maybe I am sorry, but I will not take back my words.

Because I am true to my own statement.

Still, it hurts and frustrates me that you do not understand.

*takes a deep breath, and sighs*

Never mind.

Perhaps the next time, I'll keep everything to myself.
Maybe in that way, you will not get hurt any longer.

= = = = = = = = = = =

[ In A General View ]

You see, this is why previous/current relationships failed, including family and friends.

Because often, the truths are... hurtful.

But if you can get through that, maybe things will get better.
If you can actually take my words, digest the bitterness, you might find that it's good for you.
And you will change for the better.

= = = = = = = = = = =

[ As An Entertainer/Audience ]

I might not be able to live up to my own expectation, but I certainly hoped the others could.

It's my own selfishness to want the others to advance and give me a better entertainment - for I am the ultimate audience of the whole show.

I want: The best show in the world.

That's why I give critics, in hopes of making the whole quality better for people to enjoy.
Who cares if I can advance or not - I want to be an audience.

An audience that knows what I myself want and in the best shape ever.

= = = = = = = = = = =

[ In the end... ]

So yeah. If you can take my words and transform it as a Skill +1, it'll be great for everyone.

If you can't, then... I shall not speak anymore, if you do not wished for it.

I shall keep it, and be bitter about it forever, by myself.



For I know that there's a way to make it better, but no one wants to listen to it.

想幸福的人

Insert: 想幸福的人 (by Rainie Yang)

“心裡的烏雲
眼角的祕密
來不及燃燒的感情
被流言給吹熄
轉身回到孤寂“

目前为止，我还没有有过这样的遭遇。。。
但是，很多人都很在意可能会有这样的遭遇，
封闭了自己。
封闭了幸福。

“生活的叢林
堅強的遊戲
在白天掏空了勇氣
在黑夜剩不平
不懂錯在哪裡“

的确，有时候真的觉得很无奈，不知所措。
也知道自己应该什么都不要做，会比较好。
但是，我终究很在意，很想做些什么。

“我不過是一個很想幸福的人
為什麼遇不到會生根的緣分
學著戒掉悲觀 負我的都不恨
讓心靈完整 美麗動人

還是一個人“

那一句“还是一个人”真得很贴切。
做了这么多，放下了许多，
终究还是不能找到一个真正的那一个，
爱自己的那一个。

也许是因为悲观是戒不了的吧。

“生活的叢林
堅強的遊戲
在白天掏空了勇氣
在黑夜剩不平
不懂錯在哪裡“

这一句话被重复得有重量。
过了这么多关卡，
用尽了许多的心身力，
还是得不到预期中的宝藏。

到底做错了什么？
没人知道。

“寂寞的當一個很想幸福的人
等待著一顆心接受我的坦誠“

明白自己从未对自己坦诚，
也明白有些事情不好坦诚。
但是还是很想找到一个完全理解我的人，

理解我的不坦诚，也理解我的内心最想要的，
能够逼我坦诚，比我坦诚，也能接受我的坦诚。

“懂得愛甜蜜中有苦澀的成分
會和我爭論 愛卻不磨損
沒有不信任“

我喜欢争论，有道理的争论，
因为这是互相交换想法而更接近一步理解对方的一个步骤。
但是，如那歌词所说的，爱不能够磨损。

如果我安静下来了，再也不说什么了，厌倦了，
那么，可能我不能够接受你那幼稚的想法，又或者它太偏激了，
又或者你根本没有站在别人的角度去思考一下，
反复的强调你才是对的。。。

我不能够平衡。

“我相信 當一個很想幸福的人
也必須是能夠讓人幸福的人
我不怕去付出 也肯承擔責任“

想付出，不能付出。
付出太多，可能会被厌烦。
付出太少，反而对自己不忠。

自己到底有没有这个资格，去付出？
人们能不能够接受到我赤裸裸的诚恳？

“溫暖的誠懇 溫柔的迷人
誰是那個人 能讓我沸騰“

我也许找到了，但是我能沸腾吗？
还是我又必须压抑着自己的情感，过这一段时间呢？
又再次当作无所谓，逼着自己把情感迁移他人或物？

“想幸福的人”

对，我只不过是想当个幸福的人。
但是，凡事都只能“想“而已。

很多人说，不要只是想，要去做。
你不做，愿望达成哪儿来？

如果只因为我的幸福而去害了他人，
这样的结果，不是我想要的。

我学会了，我遗憾了，我也懊恼了。

也从中，更加明白幸福是很难得到的，
不是说找到一个爱你的人就可以了。

我应该早一点理解这一个事实。

果然，有些事情，还真的只能够“想“，而不能去做。

For Her Sake

Insert: 4 Real (by Avril Lavigne)

I guess... I really should make a choice by now.
Whether I should leave her, or just stay by her side.
But really, what I really wanted was just...
I just want her to be happy.
I want to give her my best and help to shape her into the best.
So if she really rejected my feelings, I would still gladly stay by her side to see her being happy.
Or maybe... until she doesn't need me anymore.
Until she can finally stand on her own.

After hearing to all different point of views,
A lot of them said that there's a chance in this;
Even my heart told me that too.
But...

Somehow, at the same time, I knew that it might not work out.
After all, maybe she really just view me as her master, and nothing else.
When that really happened, when she finally thought of that and told me that's her answer,
I guess I really would just... you know, smile and try to make her happy again...
I mean, like, how it was, you know?

So if she wished for me to stay by her side, I would gladly do so...
But I hope whatever she do really will not disappoint me.
'cause if she really did that, I would be very angry.
Very.
Like, when she decided not to tell me that she's taking composition.
I AM angry, because she doesn't trust me.
She thinks I would laugh at it, but I certainly will not because of some stupid reasons!
I will laugh, because I think it's very good.
I will smile, because I can't hold back my feelings of proudness of her.
But I would never look down on her just because she's doing this.
She's doing something great, and she really should know it.

Really.

I would help her out, but sometimes I really think that I did a little bit too much.
Will whatever that I'm doing make her to go down someday?
I feared to talk for her, even though I really wanted to do so.
I feared to do stuffs for her, because I know the consequences might not be good.
I should control myself not to be too overpowering her, and let her do what she wants instead.
Suggestions are good, helping her to improve is good, but...
I guess I should stop... interfering with her. -sigh-

But really, am I doing her good? Or I'm just dragging her down?
Honestly, did I really teach her anything?
I don't know. I really don't know.

I'm not sure if my presence is something that she should be glad to have.

-sigh-

Again, I just hope for her best.
If I am not the best for her, of course I should leave.
And maybe I would.
For her sake.

为何我还在这儿？

Insert Song: 如果你也聽說

忽然我觉得，她没有我依然可以过活。她根本不需要我。有时候在她身边我是多余的。啊，真的好可恨把“情书“交给了她。。。的箱子。（我果然是笨蛋吧orz|||) 啊，好后悔。算了，不想去理了。

今天听了她的歌，我真得很为她感到开心：歌真得很好听。但，我也觉得很有压力、很自卑。虽说自身是她的师傅，但真正到底教了她什么？我觉得我做的一切都是多余的 --- 她根本不需要我的帮忙。在她身边有时候觉得很无力 --- 我不能再为她做些什么。而且，她的歌比我的好听许多倍！她还说什么很奇怪什么的。。。我操！这些作品让我多难堪啊啊啊啊啊啊啊~ 我都快想RAGEQUIT了你妈。OTL|||

啊啊啊啊。总之，我觉得我不配 --- 一点也不。知道她这么本领我真得很想逃了。唉。好后悔于那情书。唉唉唉唉唉唉唉唉唉唉唉唉唉唉唉唉唉唉唉。。。。。。。。。。

讲真的：为何我还在这儿？我一点都不。。。唉。Haiz.
不想活了。OTL|||

= = =

在许多年之后，可能她已经不记得我了吧。
在许多年之后，可能我已经没有存在感了吧。
在许多年之后。。。

Black Malaysia

It would actually be nice if I'm an assassin, so that I can kill those that fails the people.
Even if it will take time to observe and plan, I will do it.
But I'm not.

I am utterly sad that the current government stays through such dirty and ugly methods.

Honestly, I'm ok with anyone who became the government, as long as they battle fairly and cleanly - because peace is what I usually uphold.
But seeing how BN wins is really something my heart became sour with emotions, and this is the first very time I feel like crying over my own country.

I can't vote - by the law - but I'm 21.
I'm a university student, I know what I'm doing.
I know what is right and what is wrong.
I've seen both largest power fight, and I've seen flaws in both parties.
I support neither, because neither fights with pure cleanliness.

But now BN really pissed me off by winning this through such dirty way.

I cannot unsee how this happened, and I definitely cannot ignore the fire in me.

If this is what they said about democracy, I would be happier if the English people come and take over the country.

An outsider stabbing us is always better than a country-traitor stabbing us.

告白かな～

Insert: 今すぐに (by AZU)

実はね、告白しちゃった。。。まあ、あんまり見えないの方法ね。
ってさあ、April Fool の時間って告白するって、誰にも解んないだよな～

でも、それでいいのよ。

ねえ、
素直にできないって、ごめんね。
騙されちゃって、ごめんね。
この関係を破壊されたくないだから、
このままで、自分だけで解るって、

もう、いいのよ。
貴方はあたしの初めての弟子だからさあ。
貴方は、あたし初めてこんないっぱいの霊感があるの人だから。
この関係だけ、絶対破壊されたくない。

ありがとう。

*smiles*

Break Up

Insert: Mirai Nikki playlist

Heh, I'm the bad person here.
I tricked her into this, wasted my time and money on something not so important.
Bleh. I don't care anymore.

If she thinks that this is how it is, then it should be how it is.
I won't defend myself anymore.

Whatever I done to help the situation just doesn't help at all. Meh.

Suan liao suan liao. I give up.

I just can't make you feel happy at all.
Every time you're sad I just can't make you happy at all.
Every time you're angry I can't do anything at all.
And of course, every time I'm emotional you can't help me at all.

You should find a better person indeed.
I should find a suitable one for myself too.

There. This is done and this is this.

I hope for your recovery soon.

Sayonara.

Excited? Anxious?

Insert: Some-new-mysterious-swingy-song (by ARCYM)

As some of you readers might know (or perhaps not?) my 21st birthday is coming soon.

HURRAY!!!

But then, there's a question...

What to do for that day?

Inviting people into your party is a good thing, but anything to show what you've been doing up until now? I have no skills to perform on the piano or anything, but I do have one thing that I'm quite proud of myself of:

My compositions.

1. Ame Oto (2010)
2. Arcadia Theme (2012)
3. Battle Theme (2011)
4. Mark's Entrance (2011)
5. Hitoribocchi no Michi (2010)
6. Nankahen no Sekai (2013)
7. Nee, Shitteru? (Undone... possibly Finale-ing this.)
8. Nemurenai Yoru (2010)
9. Summer Float (2012)
10. REIZEI (2013)
11. Secret Galaxy of the Silent (2013)
12. Setsuna (2012)
13. Soar (2012)
14. Tsumetai no Kokoro (2010)
15. Zhen De Zhen De Hen Ai Ni (2011)
16. Setsunai no Koi (2012)
17. Miss You (2013)

Then again, all of them are MIDI, and all of them are undone. Mainly because I'm lazy
There's only ONE live-show, which is nothing of my expectations at all -sigh-
I was thinking if I should invite players to come and perform? Then again, my house couldn't house so many people, and that drum set. -sigh-

Maybe I should go to some cafe and celebrate it there so that I can perform.

Then again, I don't quite like being away from my house - my safe haven.

So I shall showcase through MIDI? LOL! That's actually a pretty funny idea. Sigh.
And I'm not quite sure if they're ready to be presented... I mean, most of them are pretty half-assed. OTL|||
Of course, I can always show my early sakuhin and then slowly move up to what I did right now. It might give some surprises.
Then again... listening back to those songs are pretty funny.

And I need to record and make them into mp3 in order for that to happen.

So many works. OTL|||

And remind myself to borrow that mp3/pendrive player from my sis-in-law.

Now, aside from showcasing my stuffs, what else I need to keep the party alive? Compose more songs? No.

Games and alcohols.

Since this is my 21st birthday party, a lot of people seemed to be interested in making me drunk... gosh, I hope I don't do weird things when I'm drunk D8
Then again, I'm also interested in knowing my limits. >3
So there will be games, about alcohols. XD

BWAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~~~~~~ >DDDDDD

= = = = = =

*cough* Anyways.

So much for excitement and anxiety XDDD

I guess I should go back to my compositions now |3

CIAO~~~