Let Me Sing You A Song About Departures

Insert: Departures ~ Anata ni Okuru Ai no Uta (Guilty Crown ED)

"I will never again receive your love

Nor will I ever be needed

And that is how I find myself all alone 

What was it you told me back then? 

The words that won't reach me danced in the air 

And though I know better, once again today I end up 

Wishing for things that won't come true"

If I am to destroy everything, my happiness will go along with it.
The days I spent with you, the moments we cherished together...
Everything will be gone, but not without a single trace.
Though, what will be left, will be bittersweet...
And wishes will never come true, no matter how much we yearned and worked for them.

If I am to destroy everything, my future might go along with it.
All the promises that we have made, all the ideas we shared with each other...
Even though they're not gone, they will never be the same anymore.
We will eventually work with someone else, someone with different ideas from each other...
Maybe it'll turn better, but maybe it'll turn worse too.

"Don't let me go 

Just squeeze my hand tight 

And tell me we'll go on together 

Your hand in mine was warm 

And gentle"

Deep inside my heart, aside from my rage and angst,
I yearned for forgiveness and chances and acceptance.
But I know no matter how many times you give me those things, 
If I still can't deal with my demon, everything will end up the same.
Again and again and again and again...
We'll end up hurting each other.

"That's how you always anger me 

And make me cry in the end 

But I loved the way 

You looked when you apologized 

Afterwards"

And then we'll try to fix the problems again,
And then we'll apologize to each other again,
And then we'll smile, and it got better again.
Like a pottery that was broke and fixed up with gold,
It brimmed in beauty that none of us know,
Except for the one beside us that we have always known.

But after breaking for so many times,
Even pots have only so much life.
The moment it break, it can never handle another time.
Because to fix it will make it even uglier than before,
As the beauty has lost, and meanings are no more.

"Don't let me go 

Hold me tight, yes, with all your strength 

I want to be in your arms 

We'll fall asleep as we touch our foreheads 

Together"

Holding your hand is a dream that will never happen.
Because I can never hold that delicate hand of yours with tightness.
As I have fear and doubts in myself, not just yours;
That I would crush this thing myself without asking for your thoughts.

I hunger for power and I'm damn ambitious,
Perhaps you're the only one who can feed my ambition,
As you're the one with pure talents,
But I'm nothing but a jack of all asses.

"Did you know that we'll never be able to meet ever again?"

If we are to separate in the future, that might happen?
That I'll feel all the guilt and shame for not being able to continue this,
Without letting my emotions to lead me, and act on behalf of the better good?
That I know that you might not be able to find another one who can confide all your troubles,
But also think that it might be easy for you to find that me-double.

I'm a person of contradicting opinions, where they constantly fight.
But in the end, nobody's right.
However the influence is right there and no matter what I do, it sticks tight.

Still, I know damn right that you might be the only person,
Who I can talk for hours and the topics are endless.
I might have new friends, I may still hunt for new people,
But the person that I would cherish the most is none other than you and only you.

If I have a flower, I'd give it to you at my first thought.
But then I'll think, what does it do?
Will it ruin you? Will it beautify you?
What will the rumors say?

I may have just sullied you.

So I keep the flower, and I'll probably give it to somebody else.
Who won't have any repercussion from the society if I'm the one who gave the flower.
Who... perhaps I do not care as much as you since I really don't care about the consequences-
-well, no offense, but it's true.

"Don't let me go 

Hold me tight; I love you 

Won't you laugh for me just one more time? 

Before your warmth vanishes 

Embrace me"

The sounds of yearning to stay with you bashes through the prison of my heart,
Trying to unshackle itself and wanting to stick close to you.
But I yelled at it, I told it that it will not come true:
"You need help? Well I'm sorry - I won't let you!"

But no matter what it is, I know that I'd hate to see you cry.
Not that you can't cry eternally, but if it's me that made you cry, I'll hate myself forever.
It hurts me a lot, especially the one that's being shackled,
Who will forcefully tear open my heart and kill me from the inside.

I really just want to see you smile.

I want you to make friends, even though I'm jealous at the sight of it.
I want you to be able to be strong to do everything, yet still hope you'll ask me for help.
Sometimes I didn't mention it, but I hoped that you would ask.
Perhaps you think that you're selfish, but I am too, the same as you.

Whatever I have said, they're also true:
Those words that hurt, and also the hurt one's words.
Including the timid one who wished that she just won't be abandoned again,
Including the raged one who wished that you would disappear,
Trying to hide the coward one who wished that SHE'S the one who can disappear.

Yet what should I do? What can I say?
I am indeed lack of a solution.
I have used most potions to heal my wounds,
There's no more cures to mend this poison.
If you have it, or ANYONE that has it, please do tell.
And teach me how to deal with my own hell.

On top (or bottom, since, well, this is the bottom) of all things,
I wished to apologize.
Apologize for the demon inside,
Apologize for the things I couldn't come clean,
Apologize for being late, for being rude, for being insensitive.
Apologize for any future things that I may have done wrong,
Apologize for possible destruction that I could not hold myself off.
Apologize for hurting you in the past, present, and future,
Apologize for forgetting and/or breaking any promises,
Apologize for not listening, not being a good friend, not doing my best...

Well, there's more. More things out there that I might have not thought of it.

But there's one, the most important one of all:
I apologize for the possibility of not being able to walk down the battlefield with you.

That will be my greatest regret if it happen in the future.



PS: I apologize for, uh, trying to rhyme because it's a bad bad habit of mine <w<

Lashing Everything Out Because I Fucking Can

Insert: Kyoukara Omoide (by Aimer)

It'll... never be fine. Each time the rift started, it got worse and worse. Nothing's probably able to heal this unless I let this shit go away.

And how to let it go away? I have totally no idea.

We don't like it - nobody likes it. It hurts people and it hurts me.

That's why I choose to destroy... but apparently someone from Neutral Good came and stop me from causing more destruction.

It's not that whatever she said don't make sense, or I don't understand, alright?
I understand, ALL of them, but I still don't... get it.
Like.
I get it logically, but this ain't something you can simply sing a four minutes of "Let It Go" and everything will became magically beautiful and you just happened to become a powerful queen.

It's... not like that.

You understand the concept, you understand the theory, but to do it practically, it's a totally different thing.

I can't seemed to get it.

I can't seemed to do it.

But this is even worse: I don't even know what's the first step. I only know everything in the middle but I'm... probably not willing to take the first step. Am I afraid of letting it go? Why am I afraid? These are probably the questions that only I can answer... but if not, then what? What's the thing that's shackling me? What's the thing that made me have to continue it no matter what?

WHY this thing had to keep on bothering me?

Perhaps it's a curse since I've hurt many other people, that I'll forever be tormented by this shit... but nothing last forever, alright? She gave me an advice on it, but then what? Was it that I don't want to take it? No, it's that I've already KNEW what's the advice going to be... and I can't take it. My hand went over but it burn it away because I KNOW that I can't do it.

Hence... I'll hide behind the books.

I don't care, alright? I'm a coward, alright? I don't want to face it, I just want to forget about it. So the EASIEST WAY is to not see each other and not see whatever. But that's gonna hurt the other person BUT THEN WHAT?!

WHAT CAN I DO???

I can't... do anything.

I have no solution for this.

You think I don't want this to be over? How many times did I try to convince myself that yes I let it go but NO. NO. IT DOESN'T. FOR SOME REASON IT DOESN'T AND IT JUST KEPT ON COMING BACK WITHOUT A REASON THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND.

I tried making new friends - that didn't work.
I tried to be cynical - that didn't work too.
I tried so hard but everywhere I go I can't shrug off the fact that THAT'S THE THING THAT I WANTED FOR SO LONG but I can NEVER get my hands on it.

That's how it is.

That's why I don't want to see it.

Now what if I continue this, huh? What if?
We'll just be getting hurt again and again and again and again and there's NO SOLUTION.

NO.

BECAUSE I CAN'T.

I FUCKING CAN'T.

I'M A FUCKING CUNT THAT CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS.

I'm crying so bad that I have no idea how to deal with this whole shit and DO YOU THINK I WANT IT?

No.

I don't want it.

Maybe my body likes it but I personally don't.

It makes me so fucking weak.

I can't show this face to ANYONE alright?

So I'm gonna hurt everything at once and just disappear from this place like how I used to. Like how it SHOULD be. I'll escape from everything.

But it won't change the fact that it happened, obviously.

Or we can choose to ignore it. And then let it happened again THEN ignore it again. Again and again. What good it makes? None.

None, I tell you.

None.

But hey, think of it. If I destroy everything beyond repair, you can always create a new one right? Just not with this pile of junk anymore, right? STOP REPAIRING IT. JUST LET IT DIE. WHY ARE YOU REPAIRING IT?!

WHY ARE YOU TRYING SO HARD TO REPAIR IT???

Like what happened to the previous 2 - just abandon me already. Just kill me already. Just let me find something else, someone else, that won't hurt me and I won't hurt them. Gimme something that I could trust, gimme something that I know it'll somehow work and last - even for a while. At least then the strained feelings will be "faded away", and I could always find a new one.

NOT LIKE THIS.

NOT FOR YOU TRYING TO REPAIR WHATEVER'S LEFT OF THIS FUCKING SHIT.

IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT, ALRIGHT?!

IT DOESN'T.

What do I want? I want love. Love that you can NEVER give it to me.

But what's the most important thing? I want companionship and understanding, something we thought we can give to each other, but no...

We can't.

You're the one that seemed like you only want something funny and something happy, and that's... all you want. You can just let go of everything bad so... easily, and that seemed like the only thing that you've done. Maybe I'm hard to please maybe I'm stupid maybe I just don't understand what's good that you're trying to give to me because I don't want it. Not that. I'm picky. I'm childish. Whatever you want to call me alright? Whatever.

I just can't bothered to care about it anymore.

We don't... understand each other.

We don't.

We thought we do, but we don't. Really.

You thought that's what I would've want, and I thought that's what you would've wanted too. We can't give each other what we both really want, honestly.

And what I want? You will never know.

Because I won't want anything from you anymore.
It's damn... tiring.
I really... really... just want to let go.

Somehow, deep inside, I wished that I never knew you.
I wished that you never existed in the first place.
I wished that you never entered my life in the first place.
Because if it's going to be this painful, then why should I want all of these in the first place?

This is not some stupid melodrama of something like "I like you you like me we're happy family the end" cuz that's not how life works.

I'm envious of those that could find their dream partner.
No. I'm envious of those who could actually date someone, then let go of that same someone because they finally realized that it's not gonna work, they're better off being friends, and their patience with each other have already ran out and stuffs.

It makes giving up so fucking easy.
It makes letting go so fucking easy.
It makes disappearing so fucking easy too.

But no. We decided to become friends! I've fall for you, you didn't like me back the same way, but you like me a whole lot as a friend. If that's not torturing, I don't know what is man.

I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of keeping up promises that seemed to torture us even further. I'm tired of arguing and trying to prove each other right and wrong. I'm tired of having to clash our opinions on so many ways that I cannot admit that I disliked that part of you and yet I couldn't say it out because it's unfair to you. I'm tired of having to clarify myself each time this happened. I'm tired to talking to you about these kind of things. I'm tired of finding happiness from you. I'm tired of being unfair to both of us because of all these little things that we just couldn't solve-

I'm tired.

So tired.

Of having the need to pretend that nothing happened, everything will go right, and none of the things can matter to us if we turn a blind eye over it.

It... doesn't work this way, alright?

Like you said, it's bound to happen again, too.
Our opinions will once clash, we will became strangers with each other once again, and we will have weird arguments that're based on misunderstanding and miscommunication.
And then? Are we gonna solve it and try to repair it again?

Let me tell you something: Some of the things, no matter how much you have repaired it, it's still there. Even though physically you did not abandon me in the end, verbally you already have. It cuts deep. And I know the same thing happened to you too - even though it's the other way round or something.

It's just so unfair whatever all of these just happened, alright?

It's none of our faults. We're just hoping for another's good. We don't tell each other our good wills. We just forced whatever we thought that's good for each other.

I had enough.

It's so... unfair to each other.

So unfair.

*sigh*

I post this here, hoping that you will not see it.
Hoping that you're not that daring enough to search until this extend.
Hoping that nobody showed you this.
Hoping that none of this is known to you because it'll hurt you (probably; idk)...

...but what if this is what we need?

I don't know. Let fate decide what'll happen.
I'm too tired to care about all of these.
Too tired to smile with you.

Too tired.

To do.

Anything.

I have no solutions to everything anyway *laughs*

What is "peace", actually?

Insert: AlieZ (Aldnoah Zero ED)

What is humans?
Why is it humans?
Why NOT humans?

There are so many questions regarding humans, compare to the other creatures in this planet called earth.

Why were the humans the ones with intelligence? Capable of creating a civilization, capable of discovering new technologies?

Why is it also humans the ones with moralities? Capable of differentiating what's right and what's wrong, capable of judging another person?

Why do humans fear another human, until the point where they want to destroy another's civilization, cultures, and technologies?

What makes the humans think that they're the top of the world? The ones who ruled the other creatures, and make them submit to them? What exactly makes them different from beasts, who also lived in the world of "Survive of the Fittest"?

Who created currencies? What's the use of currencies? Why not reviving the barter system, that we exchange things that the other people need, instead of basing everything upon money? Then again, another kind of greed will surface... right?

But what happened to compassion? What happened to morality? Who's the first one who decided that it's alright to bang any woman to reproduce? And who's the first one who decided that it's NOT ALRIGHT to rape women? Why that happened? Why did the morality changed? Why they judge differently from countries to countries? Why some view it shame, and some view it proud?

What really made us different from animals?

Honestly, I don't think so. Animals are part of nature - looking at them, you can think of us. If it was the lions who gained intelligence instead, wouldn't they one day became... like us? Having to know what's morality, having to know how to judge another? Like Zootopia - that's a world where all animals gained their intelligence. Was it so different from our current world? They have people of all races, all sizes, all kind of thoughts...

Stereotyping wasn't the only thing that could happen to humans.

Now, what is world peace?

No wars? No combats? No battles? No bloodshed?

What about mental battles?

Winning/Losing an argument? Backstabbing? Blackmails?

Those have nothing to do with bloodshed, but was it peaceful enough?

Was "no fighting" the only peace that we're looking for?

What about "economy" battles?

The winners will be rich, the losers will be poor... and soon be kicked out of their normal lives and have to live miserably.

Was that part of "peace" as well?

What is peace, actually?



= = = = = = = = = =



I don't like mind games, yet I can't get away from it.
People will hurt from mind games, no matter how much they thought that "being on the line between yes and no will be the least hurtful".
I'll tell you fucking WHAT.

Telling the truth is hurtful - yes - but it CAN make a person to improve!
Telling lies... and then what? Give that to a person that thinks a lot, what do you think can happen? They will believe you? Or they will think about worse things behind your words?

You guys... don't get it at all.

I don't get it either.

Why does humans LOVE to be dishonest with their actual thoughts?

Why do they like to make fun of another person?

Why they do this?

I just... *sigh*

Wtf humans :/



= = = = = = = = = =



Then again, no matter how much I came to find humans are supposed to be hated...
I still can't understand how does "animal lovers" think.
Yes, they're always honest - sure, whatever - but wtf are you getting fired up about dogs getting eaten and fucking beaten?

What about those humans that got eaten and fucking beaten, too?

Because dogs are loyal to humans? If so, WHY are they fucking loyal to humans? Not other animals? Was it because they're plainly stupid? Like, why the fuck dogs love humans so much I don't get it.

Humans were the ones who betrayed their loyalties as well. So why the fuck dogs were still loyal to humans? Was it because that's their... jobs, destiny, or whatnot? Or was that karma? To repay "your kindness"? Or to repay their sins?

*shrugs*

And cats too. If you fucking want to stop dogs from being eaten, please stop humans to eat other living creatures as well. Why only dogs? Why not snakes too? Why not deers? Why do you still want to hunt down deers for fucking placentas?

Why the fuck only dogs?!

WHY ONLY COMPASSIONATE FOR FUCKING DOGS?!

WHY NOT FUCKING DEERS?! TREES?! SNAKES?! BEARS?! COWS?! OTHER BEINGS?!

What's your fucking REASON?

"Dogs are the companions of humans" HOW DO YOU KNOW?!

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF DOGS WILL NEVER HURT HUMANS?!

And how do you know if a monkey will? Or a cat will? Or a bear, a snake, a deer, a COW?

WHAT HAS DEERS AND COWS DONE TO YOU GUYS?!

WHY CAN'T THEY BE FORGIVEN AS DOGS?!

Haven't the cows supply you with milks? Haven't the chickens supply you with eggs?

WHY EAT THEM?!

"Because they're delicious" THEN WHY NOT DOGS?!

Because they're the most popular pets?

What about hamsters? Rabbits? Horse? Cats?

There's no such thing as "fairness" in the world of humans, and their moralities.
Of course, there's no way that everyone will feel the same way as another does.

But I must say - the reason why dogs were so being protected is because they're MOSTLY the pets of other people. Then I ask you dogmeat sellers...

Why the fuck do you think that taking another person's child (pet) without permission is allowed? Summore you EAT THEM.

Now think about your CHILDREN holyshit.

YOUR OWN FUCKING CHILDREN.

OI. IF SOMEBODY CAME RAMMING INTO YOUR HOUSE AND TAKE YOUR CHILDREN TO KILL or worse: MAKAN - HOW?!

You can't say "IT'S A HUMAN. IT'S DIFFERENT" well what the fuck is different?
Both are each other's TREASURES. You STEAL another's treasure... and ATE THEM.

Tell me what the fuck's different?

There are dogs that lived happily, with great masters.
There are dogs that lived poorly, with bastards.

What's different from humans, then?

There are humans that lived happily, with loving friends, families, and great chances.
There are humans that lived poorly, with fake friends, hateful families, and horrible chances.

There are dogs who can be loyal to humans, and we put them into the limelight.
But there are also humans who can be loyal to ANOTHER human as well... we just treat that as "it should have been like this".

If you want like, TOTAL FAIRNESS, please don't just say no to ONLY dogmeats. Say no to other-meats, too.

ESPECIALLY SHARKS.

SHARKS EAT HUMANS - YES - BUT YOU HUNT MORE SHARKS THAN SHARKS HUNT FOR HUMANS. FOOLS.

YOU FOOLS.

AND TIGERS.

Tigers eat humans YES BUT YOU FUCKING HUNT THEM MORE THAN THEY HUNT YOU.

Then there's rhinos.

WTF RHINOS DONE TO YOU?! BECAUSE THEIR HORNS ARE BEAUTIFUL!? THAT'S ALL?! THAT'S WHY YOU DO THAT?! WTF HUMANS.

Yeah. "Survival of the fittest".

I really don't see a difference of humans and animals. Really.
Except for intelligence, I really don't see any.

We're all fucking animals. :/

Deal with it.