Disappointments... again.

Insert: Vertigo [by U2]

Disappointed.
I'm really disappointed by a lot of stuffs lately.
Band camp, the standards of the people, my band mates...
Then just recently (today), the DAMN movie...

Pirates of the Caribbean: Stranger's Tides.

Okay, I really REALLY expected it to be nice...
And has a flashy plot plus some awesome actions...
But...
Is my expectation too high?
Are all modern movies done it this way?
Focus nothing but the special effects not the plot?
What about the actions?
Damn...
Seriously disappointed.

Then, the bandcamp.
It really showed a lot of things that I least expected...
Of the age of the participants, I've already expecting that but...
Seriously, their levels are just... ugh. *shakeshead*
And their ATTITUDE!
What the heck?
Is that your attitude to come and learn stuffs?
To act as a know-it-all and sit laid back doing your own stuffs?
Hey, you're just a kid.
Even though you're a prodigy or anything - you're just a kid.
There's far way too much stuffs for you to learn, even as a prodigy in drums or whatsoever.
Who cares about how well are your techniques and skills are?
If you're not going to bring out the way the music suppose to sounds like, what's the use of it?

Then, my band mates and myself
Vocalist, you're being too lenient on those people, and you certainly cried/stressed too much.
Bassist... do you have a moment of seriousness?
Guitarist, band leader... You DO NOT act like a band leader REALLY should be.
Keyboardist... Damn, why you're always LATE?!
Drummer, myself, please, learn more on the skills and control your temper and patience...
...even though someone's late by 15 minutes, having a 45 minutes jam in a roundabout,
Having an immature person as your band-leader who doesn't really know a single thing,
And being the odd one out of the gang.
I'm not saying I'm good (hey, I'm tackling myself here), but seriously...
Bandmates, do your own parts as a band: At least be punctual.
THAT is the smallest thing that I hoped - is it that HARD?
*sigh*

Oh, and I really hate myself.
Because I'm so incompetent in most of the things...
Did I mentioned I got a saman today as well? *sigh*
Oh, and my pair of new shoes just got stolen because of my own carelessness *shakeshead*
Seriously, it's so stuuupid that I really want to die at some certain point.
The horoscope thingy is so true:
What does the 12 horoscopes wanted to do in critical moments?

Aries: Want to die.



===



It's coming back.
The feel of... darkness, if you can really call that as darkness.
Or simply, it's void.

I just seemed to not care about anything that happened around me,
And living only in my own world.
As they had nothing to do with me.

Who cares if you're happy or sad?
Who cares if you're funny or cold?
If you have nothing to do with me, there's no point caring about those at all.

And so, I chose to ignore.
Ignore the feelings of the others, ignore the feelings of myself.
Erase all sorts of guiltiness, enhance the self-centered-ness.

With these, I can truly gain a moment of silence for myself.

I guess my mask of hyperness is really something that I couldn't believe I did that.
It just came without any thoughts.
But who knows that behind the mask it was something so... empty.
All the laughters, all the happiness...
What are they, to me?
No one knows, I don't know as well.
Since after a joke, a short laugh, everything are just so empty.

Music? Cosplay? Quiz? Life?
They suddenly meant nothing to me right now.
And currently, I'm just waiting for the time to past.
For my brain to start sinking deep into the abyss,
So that I can truly sleep.

Oh, and health?
Seriously: Who cares?
If you live, you live for another day of boredom and emptiness.
If you're dead, nobody cares after a week or two.
I'm just one individual without any sorts of love and cares.
As I said before:

I have no fortune with love.

I can't feel love, from anybody.
And since I'm young, I can't feel love from my family.
Love from friends? It seemed that their disappointing moments topped over that love.
Love from lovers? Hell, do I even own one before?

Disappointed with life.
More like, disappointed with MYSELF,
For unable to make my life much interesting than this is.

Where's my creativity? Where's my music?
They're gone, just like the ashes that you throw into the sea.
After the bandcamp, everything sounds like... shit.
We're the best - SO WHAT?
We didn't learn ANYTHING.
Though we learn something but I learn nothing but shit-talks.
Something that, everybody already knew.
Something that, I personally think that it's pretty general.
And it's something that, those arrogant kids won't pay attention on.

Is my brain deforming?
Is my body lacking anything?
Why is this happening?
Why am I so lost in all of these things?

I seriously had NO idea.

And after watching PoC,
I really felt like, nothing's worth the price and money anymore.
Take an example at the food, the drinks, the images...
The equipments, the school, the life...
Nothing's worth my time or energy.
I'm really fed up with it.

More like, I'm fed up with myself.

And I'm wasting my time typing here.

Because I'm stuuupid.



===



Whatever I said in the above doesn't make much sense, I noticed that.
Well, rather than, making some sense out of it, I'm just simply rambling.
Daily stuffs... School life... Love life (do I have one?)... Whatever.

Bullshits, indeed.