Insert: Kyoukara Omoide (by Aimer)
It'll... never be fine. Each time the rift started, it got worse and worse. Nothing's probably able to heal this unless I let this shit go away.
And how to let it go away? I have totally no idea.
We don't like it - nobody likes it. It hurts people and it hurts me.
That's why I choose to destroy... but apparently someone from Neutral Good came and stop me from causing more destruction.
It's not that whatever she said don't make sense, or I don't understand, alright?
I understand, ALL of them, but I still don't... get it.
Like.
I get it logically, but this ain't something you can simply sing a four minutes of "Let It Go" and everything will became magically beautiful and you just happened to become a powerful queen.
It's... not like that.
You understand the concept, you understand the theory, but to do it practically, it's a totally different thing.
I can't seemed to get it.
I can't seemed to do it.
But this is even worse: I don't even know what's the first step. I only know everything in the middle but I'm... probably not willing to take the first step. Am I afraid of letting it go? Why am I afraid? These are probably the questions that only I can answer... but if not, then what? What's the thing that's shackling me? What's the thing that made me have to continue it no matter what?
WHY this thing had to keep on bothering me?
Perhaps it's a curse since I've hurt many other people, that I'll forever be tormented by this shit... but nothing last forever, alright? She gave me an advice on it, but then what? Was it that I don't want to take it? No, it's that I've already KNEW what's the advice going to be... and I can't take it. My hand went over but it burn it away because I KNOW that I can't do it.
Hence... I'll hide behind the books.
I don't care, alright? I'm a coward, alright? I don't want to face it, I just want to forget about it. So the EASIEST WAY is to not see each other and not see whatever. But that's gonna hurt the other person BUT THEN WHAT?!
WHAT CAN I DO???
I can't... do anything.
I have no solution for this.
You think I don't want this to be over? How many times did I try to convince myself that yes I let it go but NO. NO. IT DOESN'T. FOR SOME REASON IT DOESN'T AND IT JUST KEPT ON COMING BACK WITHOUT A REASON THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND.
I tried making new friends - that didn't work.
I tried to be cynical - that didn't work too.
I tried so hard but everywhere I go I can't shrug off the fact that THAT'S THE THING THAT I WANTED FOR SO LONG but I can NEVER get my hands on it.
That's how it is.
That's why I don't want to see it.
Now what if I continue this, huh? What if?
We'll just be getting hurt again and again and again and again and there's NO SOLUTION.
NO.
BECAUSE I CAN'T.
I FUCKING CAN'T.
I'M A FUCKING CUNT THAT CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS.
I'm crying so bad that I have no idea how to deal with this whole shit and DO YOU THINK I WANT IT?
No.
I don't want it.
Maybe my body likes it but I personally don't.
It makes me so fucking weak.
I can't show this face to ANYONE alright?
So I'm gonna hurt everything at once and just disappear from this place like how I used to. Like how it SHOULD be. I'll escape from everything.
But it won't change the fact that it happened, obviously.
Or we can choose to ignore it. And then let it happened again THEN ignore it again. Again and again. What good it makes? None.
None, I tell you.
None.
But hey, think of it. If I destroy everything beyond repair, you can always create a new one right? Just not with this pile of junk anymore, right? STOP REPAIRING IT. JUST LET IT DIE. WHY ARE YOU REPAIRING IT?!
WHY ARE YOU TRYING SO HARD TO REPAIR IT???
Like what happened to the previous 2 - just abandon me already. Just kill me already. Just let me find something else, someone else, that won't hurt me and I won't hurt them. Gimme something that I could trust, gimme something that I know it'll somehow work and last - even for a while. At least then the strained feelings will be "faded away", and I could always find a new one.
NOT LIKE THIS.
NOT FOR YOU TRYING TO REPAIR WHATEVER'S LEFT OF THIS FUCKING SHIT.
IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT, ALRIGHT?!
IT DOESN'T.
What do I want? I want love. Love that you can NEVER give it to me.
But what's the most important thing? I want companionship and understanding, something we thought we can give to each other, but no...
We can't.
You're the one that seemed like you only want something funny and something happy, and that's... all you want. You can just let go of everything bad so... easily, and that seemed like the only thing that you've done. Maybe I'm hard to please maybe I'm stupid maybe I just don't understand what's good that you're trying to give to me because I don't want it. Not that. I'm picky. I'm childish. Whatever you want to call me alright? Whatever.
I just can't bothered to care about it anymore.
We don't... understand each other.
We don't.
We thought we do, but we don't. Really.
You thought that's what I would've want, and I thought that's what you would've wanted too. We can't give each other what we both really want, honestly.
And what I want? You will never know.
Because I won't want anything from you anymore.
It's damn... tiring.
I really... really... just want to let go.
Somehow, deep inside, I wished that I never knew you.
I wished that you never existed in the first place.
I wished that you never entered my life in the first place.
Because if it's going to be this painful, then why should I want all of these in the first place?
This is not some stupid melodrama of something like "I like you you like me we're happy family the end" cuz that's not how life works.
I'm envious of those that could find their dream partner.
No. I'm envious of those who could actually date someone, then let go of that same someone because they finally realized that it's not gonna work, they're better off being friends, and their patience with each other have already ran out and stuffs.
It makes giving up so fucking easy.
It makes letting go so fucking easy.
It makes disappearing so fucking easy too.
But no. We decided to become friends! I've fall for you, you didn't like me back the same way, but you like me a whole lot as a friend. If that's not torturing, I don't know what is man.
I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of keeping up promises that seemed to torture us even further. I'm tired of arguing and trying to prove each other right and wrong. I'm tired of having to clash our opinions on so many ways that I cannot admit that I disliked that part of you and yet I couldn't say it out because it's unfair to you. I'm tired of having to clarify myself each time this happened. I'm tired to talking to you about these kind of things. I'm tired of finding happiness from you. I'm tired of being unfair to both of us because of all these little things that we just couldn't solve-
I'm tired.
So tired.
Of having the need to pretend that nothing happened, everything will go right, and none of the things can matter to us if we turn a blind eye over it.
It... doesn't work this way, alright?
Like you said, it's bound to happen again, too.
Our opinions will once clash, we will became strangers with each other once again, and we will have weird arguments that're based on misunderstanding and miscommunication.
And then? Are we gonna solve it and try to repair it again?
Let me tell you something: Some of the things, no matter how much you have repaired it, it's still there. Even though physically you did not abandon me in the end, verbally you already have. It cuts deep. And I know the same thing happened to you too - even though it's the other way round or something.
It's just so unfair whatever all of these just happened, alright?
It's none of our faults. We're just hoping for another's good. We don't tell each other our good wills. We just forced whatever we thought that's good for each other.
I had enough.
It's so... unfair to each other.
So unfair.
*sigh*
I post this here, hoping that you will not see it.
Hoping that you're not that daring enough to search until this extend.
Hoping that nobody showed you this.
Hoping that none of this is known to you because it'll hurt you (probably; idk)...
...but what if this is what we need?
I don't know. Let fate decide what'll happen.
I'm too tired to care about all of these.
Too tired to smile with you.
Too tired.
To do.
Anything.
I have no solutions to everything anyway *laughs*
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