===
"All my life I've been good, but now, WHOA what the hell'?!"
"I'm freaking out, where am I now? Upside down, and I can't stop it now..."
===
Woke up in the morning, a very normal morning, until a very rare phone call from Miss A.
Wow, she actually asked me out for the very first time!
This is rare indeed.
And I actually thought of spreading this "joyful news" to Mr.E.
And my MOM agreed.
And so, of course, I agreed.
But little did I know what kind of situation I'm facing later.
Or rather, I should've known that this would happen.
Perhaps that's why I brought along my laptop.
So, with a happy thought, I hop onto the car.
My journey to hell starts right now.
~~~~~~ A FUCKED UP BORDERLINE ~~~~~~
First stop: Area S.
If you're wondering about the distance, it's just like... From Leisure Mall to Mid Valley x1.5.
Normally, from my area to that area, it'll be only about 45 minutes.
But...
With that kind of rusty car that hell-knows when was the last check-up,
That kind of driver,
And that kind of LOOOOONG queue of other cars...
It took more than an hour for us to reach there.
Funniest thing is that...
Since Miss A already know that she's going to be late (one hour delay),
Why she still call me out and ask me to come along?
Taking all her graceful time to turn into my house,
Just to grab me up in her car?
Aha.
Guess what's her reason?
She needed SOMEONE to be in the car with her.
Oh, so I'm supposed to be that special someone?
Frankly speaking, she's afraid.
Or rather, her mom told her to do so.
And she couldn't find Miss B, so she find me.
Oh, so what, I'm just a random replacement?
AND, since she's passing by my area,
She just incidentally call me out during the most odd time,
Without me having even have preparations,
JUST to accompany her in this long journey.
And I thought she was so good to ask me instead of anyone else? Of course not, I'm just having a fucked up fantasy of that.
Fine then, if she was happy, then I'll be fine.
I totally have no problem communicating...
Or rather, chatting,
With her, at the first part of the journey.
Until I found her real reason of the journey.
She's going back to area S to pick up her bass,
THEN back to area T to practice with her gang of people,
THEN practice with ANOTHER gang of people,
THEN back home. (Or maybe not, based on her decision in the later events)
So what am I now?
A random load?
A somebody that she can just use and disposed of?
I thought she was just afraid of the road and just want to get herself accompanied.
And I thought she was going to work.
That, was actually a better reason for my existence in the journey,
Since I can still enjoy and do anything I wanted in that particular area.
(Of course, I had my choice to go on my way but...)
Wait.
Did she just used my kindness to do this?
Including my feelings for her?
Is she serious?
Or I'm just imagining too much things again?
I mean, not being able to realize that this is one kind of "using" people?!
Damn.
I thought I'm okay to be used by these people,
Because they were my true friends...
And I thought that this feeling of "betrayal" won't appear in me from them.
But seriously, now?
Or I'm just DUMB enough to comply to whatever their needs are?
Seriously, someone need to tell me now:
1. Am I an idiot for trusting these kind of people?
2. Am I an idiot for loving these people?
3. Am I a fucked up idiot for not even considering my own path because of these people?
Even though I've known them for years?
Loved them for years?
Since high school?
We're always a gang for GOD DAMNED FUCKING SAKE!
Do you have ANY IDEAS how much have we been through?
Why had these people changed so much?
Or I just discovered their true nature?
Or it's that I'm the only one that haven't changed yet?
~~~~~~ A FUCKED UP BORDERLINE ~~~~~~
Fucked up, fucked up indeed.
I'm so freaking fucked up that I don't even KNOW what the HELL I'm typing.
Vulgar words? You should notice that and be warned the first moment you saw my title.
Now get the FUCK out from my blog if you find that offensive.
PS: My emotions varied from this blog, so please proceed with caution.
And no, I'm not going BACK there and edit what I've said,
because I'm saying what I actually wanted to say right now.
~~~~~~ A FUCKED UP BORDERLINE ~~~~~~
So, here we are at Area S.
The first half of the journey up 'till this point, I'm okay to chat with her.
Until I found out that she's going to practice with her band mates.
And I start to feel uncomfortable.
Oh yes, I'm still very, VERY, uncomfortable that she's with this band.
I mean, she only knew these people for one freaking week,
And she wanted it to be an ETERNAL thing?!
Are you, FUCKING, serious?
Even if you're an alien, you're going a lil' bit too far here.
^ That's what I honestly thought when I first heard the news.
And even when I first meet Mr.C, I was holding up some kind of grudge towards him.
Especially when he commented about my view on "Real Musics".
Of course, everything changed when I started to really speak to him.
He is an awesome dude.
Seriously awesome.
I now truly understand how he could actually gather bandmates in just one week.
Though the keyboardist is still a piece of shit... but that's okay.
And, well, he gathered people who have interest and passion,
Not talents.
Surprised by his view, but also respected.
Because there's very few people who did that now.
He's really one of the few 5%.
Me?
I'm still on the 95%.
I'm not as great as he was, to impress so many impossible people.
I don't understand a fucking fact that...
Why does Miss A needed to cover my identity up?
She really don't need to cover it up.
Are you that afraid that your friend had offended what you think might be your next boss/leader?
Hey, I'm not afraid to confront him and talk about the misunderstood I had with him.
I don't need you to cover it up if I really feel like hiding.
And for YOUR knowledge, I revealed it myself.
It's not like he KNEW it from the start or anything.
Or the fact that you're trying to hide is actually not helping in "hiding" me up.
Bringing me here is considered pushing me to the hell-fire.
Seriously, I'm really doubting if you're trying to help me right now.
Am I misunderstanding you? I'm not sure if I am.
If you really read this fucked up thing, and really have something to say, call me right away.
Be it over 12 freaking a.m. or 3 fucking in the midnight.
I'm always waiting.
And to repeat again: I'm not afraid of confrontation.
We seriously need to solve some invisible tensions we had right now.
And if YOU'RE wondering WHY on earth I'm acting like that to what you thought is "everyone",
It's because of YOU.
Fucking hell. YOU.
You go out and ask my friends, if I acted like that in the first place.
And compare how I treated/talked to you and Miss B and Mr. E, it's clearly different.
And if you DON'T understand yet.
It's " - s - a - r - c - a - s - m - ".
Go search a fucking dictionary if you don't understand that fucking word.
~~~~~~ A FUCKED UP BORDERLINE ~~~~~~
So, we arrived at area/location T.
The real conversation with Mr. C is at this place.
And yes, we really had a good time.
Exchanged a lot of opinions,
And actually learned a lot of stuffs from him.
I really couldn't believed that I earned respect from him.
Just because I wasn't afraid to tell him my opinion.
And... Perhaps...
About I telling him that I feel insecure for my best friend to join a band with a bunch of strangers?
Either way, great time talking with him.
But it was short.
Too short.
That we soon needed to change a place.
Uhuh, I decided to follow them.
Since I need to practice with Miss B for the event they had organized this Friday.
So, we grabbed the cars, and went to location U.
Which is another fucking 30 minutes journey.
Oh, btw, from area S to area T, it's like from Cheras to Klang x1.5.
Used about 45 minutes, thanks to Mr. C's driving skill.
Instead of being drove by Miss A.
*cough* Anyway, Miss A took back this time.
When we arrived there, it's about 3p.m.
Wow, the time I depart was 10 something 11.
They're only ABLE to start after... what, 5 hours since my departure?
This is just SO awesome.
I wasted my 5 hours for nothing.
And it's piling up from this point.
You shall see.
So, we found the gym, walked for like... minutes.
With my laptop in my bag, it's seriously killing me.
Not to mention all those chargers and everything. *rollseyes*
Anyway, we arrive the gym, and the so-called person-in-charge chase us out.
Of course, after he spoke all those "reasons" for 15-freaking minutes.
But actually, it's only one single reason, and he repeated that single reason for THREE times.
1. Asked him, said no, he spoke for the first time.
2. We discuss, he came, show us an "example", spoke for the second time.
3. After we left, he told the guard, and the guard repeated for the third time.
Seriously, is THAT fucking necessary?
I guess the old man is just too bored and everyone obeyed the rules so much that he felt bored...
That no one listened to him babble.
Interesting, eh?
So, we walked for another 10 minutes, going up the hills and stairs...
And found another place.
With little "cottage"-like shelters.
So, me and Miss B had our first attempt in singing "Magnet".
But... she said it's not suitable, and we find other songs.
Sang a lot of dude songs, including Digimon songs.
Damn, she's more hardcore than me in Digimon songs!
Or I'm just becoming weaker because the lack of listening to Digimon songs these days?
Anyway, we couldn't find one.
And when we thought of one song, we have no lyrics for it.
Luckily, another dude stayed here and wanted to go up to his house.
Yay?
No.
We need to walk for another... couple stairs.
Anyway, we arrived, and continue to find songs.
But... our efforts are futile.
At the end, we gave up in dude songs, and went for duet songs.
That didn't worked as well.
Damn, today is just not a good day for songs.
Though I DO have great time singing Shoujo S with her. PX
That's the only thing I'm relieved throughout the whole practice session.
Of course, singing "Trust Me" wasn't bad as well...
Typically, any singings with her, is really not bad.
Because she's awesome.
End story.
Oh, I forgot to tell.
Mr. C is really good in finding songs for people to sing.
He can just find all those songs that complimented the singer's voice.
He is THAT good, that he could find songs that matches Miss A's vocals.
Something that I couldn't do and failed in, and felt useless at.
Applause for him, seriously.
And perhaps I'm jealous because of his skills for being able to impress someone that I could never impress. But he's really THAT awesome that he made me respect him for that.Anyway, it seemed that it's time to change a place again.
Yes, AGAIN.
But first thing - get back to location T. *rolls my fucking eyeballs and shakes head*
Seriously, have they even tried to plan today's sessions before?
Everything is not just messed up, but also FUCKED UP.
A place that they couldn't use? Then find another place last minute?
Seriously, it really doesn't help.
Or it's because I'm bringing bad luck to people?
I'm not quite sure, but where ever I go, things like this just happen.
*sigh*
Fuck my fucking life.
~~~~~~ A FUCKED UP BORDERLINE ~~~~~~
So, we went to location V.
I remembered when I reached there, it's around 5 or 6.
Uhuh, this is interesting.
How long do they plan to practice in this place? *sigh*
Luckily, this is the last place that I'm in this whole area of area T.
Anyway, I'm here, and watch them to dance.
Being such a bored one, I shall learn along, then?
Better than doing nothing than sitting around, right?
So I learned...
Wow, Miss B is such a precise person when it comes to dancing.
She's just so awesome...
I'm so lucky that I've met her today, seriously.
Along with Mr. C, although I didn't get to talk with him too much... UGH!
It's YOUR fault, Miss A.
Yes Miss A, I'm hereby proudly to BLAME YOU on this fucked up day that I get today.
Though I know everything is of course my own decision.
That I followed my heart instead of my head.
Now, that aside, I'm just getting so freaking bored and tired.
After a whole long day in a HOT car that burns my legs,
And inside a lousy driver's fucking rusty steel (no, I won't call that a car somehow),
What would you do if you're me?
It's not like I refuse to talk or whatsoever, it's just... I'm not in the mood.
Sorry Mr. F, it's not like I don't want to communicate or to ignore you,
I'm just... fucked up at that moment.
If I had your FB right now, I would so go and apologize to you.
Damn.
Speaking of which, I need to apologize towards Mr. C. *goes on FB*
Now suddenly, she popped up something like "Yes, I don't need to go back Cheras!"
Wait. What?
You're telling me that you're not going back to my area?
Then, how the FUCK am I supposed to go back then?
Okay, so you asked me what's the time I needed to go back.
Great, you asked me during this point.
I'm not sure what comes towards me that time, but I really should say right away.
Because it's fucking late and everything and you didn't even practiced yet.
But my FUCKING white side took over and said that whenever you're done.
DAMN my white side.
I hate you.
And so, she took her grace time to practice and everything with her gang.
Me? I'm just sitting aside and do my own stuff.
Whatever a lonely person would do with a laptop that doesn't have an internet access.
What will it be?
A) Listening to musics while looking at blank stuffs, and groove along with it.
B) Watch some movie.
Luckily, I still have that DVD in my laptop, so that I can at least watch and laugh.
Instead of waiting for them to finish...
Which is like, around 7 - 8 at night.
The gang back into the room after doing their practice somewhere else.
Miss A whined about she could sleep in this very room right now.
And suddenly she asked again about when I'm going back.
Okay, is she seriously making me feel guilty for coming here all of the sudden?
DAMN! If you're FUCKING worried about that, why bringing me here at the first place?
I seriously wished to take a FUCKING taxi and go back.
Well, I have all the money I wanted, why not?
And I did suggested towards Miss B that I'm going to do that.
Though she said it's not safe and everything.
Hmph.
I don't want my mom to be worrying about me.
And I don't want my cover to be blown.
Because I shall never get another chance to go out again.
Of course, not with Miss A.
Perhaps never again.
But I still have Mr. E with me.
Damn, I'm so gonna go out on a million dates with him.
Rather than going on a million DEATH with Miss A.
Of body and soul.
Oh, and if this is your attempt of FREAKING cut off your ties with me, you're succeeding.
Because you're making me to HATE you.
Is it not obvious enough?
~~~~~~ A FUCKED UP BORDERLINE ~~~~~~
On the journey back, I'm thinking of a lot of stuffs...?
Actually, I don't.
Because I'm focusing on the road.
And of course, Mr. E.
I seriously feel like going out with, talking with him, and ramble about what happened to me the whole day. I don't even mind to cry and break down in front of him that moment.
I guess that's the only time I used my most soft and fragile voice to talk to him.
Seriously hope that he won't freak out.
Yes Mr. E, I'm really fine, physically.
I had no car crash, very luckily.
I encounter no animal bites, "surprisingly".
It's just... emotionally, I just need you by my side.
I don't mind it's over the phone or anything.
Because you make me feel like I'm still on earth.
That I'm still me.
That I'm still... here.
That I'm still alive.
===
"Love hurts, whether it's right or wrong."
"I, I won't cry."
===
Thanks to today, I've learned my lessons... or have I?
Will I repeat the same mistakes again?
That I will let my white side to take over my body and soul?
And seriously, if it's not because of Miss B, I don't even plan to go location T again for this Friday.
I really don't want to face Miss A, because I feel like SHIT right now.
Yes, I felt like being treated as a piece of SHIT.
Because for the whole day after she dragged me to this hell,
She ignored me for 80% of the time.
Words of gratitude? Words of apologizing?
There's none.
Now how do you feel when you're being dragged around and nothing had been said?
I'm not sure if this is just how exactly that damned keyboardist felt when he's being dragged through all the places without anything had been said, but at least Miss B DID promised him something after all the hells we've gone through the other day. But me? I gained NOTHING.
I'm not even sure if I should compare myself to him,
In terms of liking someone that doesn't like me back,
Which is also someone that I'm not supposed to. UGH. *rolls eyes*
Before you even protest what I've said or done to you in comparison, think of what you owed me.
Even as someone that was like that keyboardist even got words of apology.
Me? Seriously I gained fucked up NOTHING from you.
NOTHING I say.
NOTHING.
And if you really want me to start counting them, you're seriously fucked up and being hated by me.
Wow, I've never dragged on this subject before. *sarcastic smirk*
But I guess when love turns to hate, this is what happen.
You start to take up topics that you doesn't cared about in the past.
And speaking of this, I owed Mr. E and Miss B a lot of thanks...
For supporting my very existence for the day.
Well, at least, I feel happy that someone actually noticed me and... yeah.
Miss B, for actually come over and talked to me even though Miss A is busy for something else.
Mr. E for actually spend his money on a ninja burger, just to feed me... and cheer me up?
Wait. How much the burger cost? DAMN! I'm gonna pay this thing back =A=
Anyway, the burger's still here with me.
Because I'm too full with whatever I put and swallowed in today.
Even though my stomach is hungry for the first half of the day.
Again, million thanks for Miss B and Mr. E.
I guess that doesn't really express how much you two "entertained" me for today.
Especially you Miss B.
If you're not here for today, I really had NO IDEA what to do anymore.
Although our "objective" just somehow... died.
By the way, love your dance moves.
You're awesome. <3
Of course, what happened today might mean nothing to anyone to read this post today.
But for me, it really changed my view and everything.
I don't even feel afraid to express my hate for someone I loved before.
Even though anyone who had been through this day who read this knew it very well,
Who and who each of the anonymous ABCDEF might be.
If you wanna talk about it to someone else, suit yourself.
I don't really care.
It's already becoming a true emotion anyway.
===
"If you love me, if you hate me, you can't save me baby baby."
"I found myself in 'Wonderland'."
===
Love is turning into hate. There's no going back now.
For what this fucked up day had made me.
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