愛、過去と現実。

Insert: 解脱 / Sad Rain / Love Letter /你是愛我的 / 平常心 / Should I Love Him?


I might be writing this in two languages...
Just for the fun of it...


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


Out of boredom, or just a sudden impulse,
I decided to write about the so-called history of my lovely lives.
They're nothing for me to be proud about,
Neither they're something for me to reminisce.


Just that...


I just can't deny the feeling of my heart that dwells on the past.
And the inability to move on from it.
Though, I tried, and I ignored all sorts of feelings that I had.
But then, I just can't deny them, at all.


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


已经有。。。两年了吧？
算算一下，好像也是呢。
那两年的时间，仿佛过得太快了。
而那两个礼拜的时间，仿佛像永远般的，徘徊着。


我们，真正有在一起过吗？
我们，真正有说过分手吗？
你说，你和我分手了。
我说，我们根本什么都没有说过，做过。


根本什么都不是。


虽然，我们有过一次的约会？算是吧。。。
嗯。。。。。。又好像不是。
嗯，有抱过 （算是吧？），有牵过手，
然后，也有去过你的家还有。。。
咳，详细就不说了。
虽然，我们都没接过吻就真的是。。。*sigh*


人们都说，初恋时最难忘的，最甜蜜的，最有遗憾的。
我说，如果你还是那一个人，可能这是真的。
如果，我能够坚持，你能够接受，可能一切都会有改变。


啊，如果啊如果，如果这世界有如果，那人们也不会有遗憾了吧。


不过，如果不是因为你，我也不会有所成长吧。
可能，我还会在另一个人的面前，死命的展现出自己那什么都没有的“才华”吧。
可能，我还会拼死名的粘住某些人。
嘛，虽然它不算是一个坏事，不过，你是唯一一个让我大开眼界的人。
还好你是我的初恋吧，让我能够更有毅力的下定一些决心。


不想继续了，没有希望了，就把他们丢掉了吧。
把爱剪成碎片让它随风去。


但是，也是因为你的存在，让我害怕了恋爱。
害怕希望，害怕伤害，害怕追求，害怕结局。
要不是某人忽然地问我，我可能也不会再次跌入这一个坑。


那时的日子是很开心，不过，回想起来是超苦涩的。
而且，那一段我自认最白痴愚蠢的做法，我以后是绝对不会再做了。
还真的是要好好的感谢你呢。


还有，今年四月的事情，我是绝对不会忘记的。
你虽然没想到我会有这么白痴，也没想到我的心情是怎样的。
没关系。
我以后也不会再这么白痴的跟着人家团团转。
多谢你，我才能够对人狠心一点。
多谢你，我才能够分辨是非与重要性。

Thanks to you, I can finally ignore a lot of stuffs that doesn't deem to be important to me.
Friendship? Relationship? Oh please.
Those are really nothing compare to myself.
If someone wants to die - go on, have fun in the other world.
Without you, nothing will change in my life.
If I have no one else to talk to, I can always talk to myself.
Then rage, and die, like everyone else.
Yeah, that's what you taught me in that lesson.


And you certainly taught me well.

所以说，如果人们问我为何忽然会这么的冷淡，冷血，
特别是四月之后，
我只会说我累了，就这么简单。
但是我绝对不会对他们说是因为你，教了我这件事。

If people ever noticed how much I secluded myself from people. Heh.


I guess you ARE that much of impact towards me.


PS: Thanks you to, you gave me enough inspirations to write like, what, 6 songs? Though neither of them really are down in the papers yet... Heh.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


Of course, thanks to you, I met someone else as well...


Should this be something I shall be happy about?


Heh. To be honest, I doubt it.


And the worse thing that happened was that I really threw myself in.


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


Dear... (I can't believe I can still call you this. -sigh and facepalms-)

你是，我可以说，我用了最多心思的一个人。
我从来，从来，都没有亲手画。。。漫画？ 给一个人。
更何况是用了很多个版本/纸张 Draft, Sketch, Second Version, Sketch, Paper cutting, etc.
画了之后还录制一首歌给你，让你在夜晚可以睡得更好一些。
过后，还特地到你家去，强（？）吻了你。*咳*
之后，还买了花和蛋糕，放在你家门前，按铃后，走人。
想象一下，我真的不相信我做了这些人们都觉得很荒唐的事情。
然后我还（因）为你录制了自认最好听得一手自创曲。


你竟然不相信那是为了你的。


Seriously, what the FOOK.


你有这么不相信我是真的真的爱着你的吗？！


Fine, whatever.


反正从你身上得到的回忆，也算还蛮不错的了。
对一个对我根本没感觉的人来说，算真得很好了。
有笑过，有哭过，有抱过，有吻过。
算了吧。


虽然你一直再说着关于 “他” 的事情。


Funfact: Kou, does this remind you of anything? -smirks-

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


I finished with the past, now let's come back to the present.


There's a reason that I couldn't fall in love with the current princess...
Datte, ouman no hime-sama ni nachatta.
Annan no hito ga zettai atashi no mon janeen dakara saa~ ¯\(－ ▽ －)/¯
And those disappointments? Yeap, they're just too much.


Off you go~ （╯°∀°）╯︵(>.∀.)> 


Then the most recent one...
I just CAN'T fall in love with that one, at all~ t(=3=)t
Reason is simple: No feelings from the other side, and I can't do anything about it.
So yeah.


Off me go. ┬──┬ ︵(>.Д.)>  


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


虽然埋怨（？）是蛮多的，不过，我真的没有后悔过。


虽然我是很希望回忆可以快点散去。*siiiigh...*

I Hate You.

Insert: Hate [by NIGHTMARE]


NOTE: They're not in orders on whom I hate, and they can be just anyone. If you think you're in my list, feel free to feel that way. I don't care.



I hate you. For letting me down.
I hate you. For the lack of logic and common sense.
I hate you. For not letting me to love you.
I hate you. For who you are.
I hate you. For being someone I'm not.
I hate you. Fo' Dos Stupid Unneeded Caps W/ Shortcuts Like Dis.
I hate you. For creating the stupid fashion that's not fashion at all.
I hate you. For giving me everything but not those important stuffs.
I hate you. For being a bad teacher.
I hate you. For being a bad friend.
I hate you. For you who sucks.
I hate you. For the lack of love for me.
I hate you. For raising me wrongly.
I hate you. For owing me money.
I hate you. For owing me your life.
I hate you. For I need to drive for you everyday.
I hate you. For disappointing me.
I hate you. For being someone that's not yourself anymore.
I hate you. For not being straightforward.
I hate you. For concealing yourself behind that mask.
I hate you. For being such a bitch.
I hate you. For the lack of plans.
I hate you. For the lack of timing.
I hate you. For not being punctual.
I hate you. For not following my rules.
I hate you. For smoking.
I hate you. For drunk and drive.
I hate you. For being an attention-whore.
I hate you. For sharing out stuffs even yourself is disgusted by it.
I hate you. For having such confidence even though you sucked.
I hate you. For being over-confidence though you sucked A LOT.
I hate you. For losing.
I hate you. For being not in this country.
I hate you. For you who's unreacheable.
I hate you. For not taking care of your own body.
I hate you. For being poor and still rather help the others than yourself.
I hate you. For no able to take good care of your own welfare.
I hate you. For creating MMORPG.
I hate you. For dragging into the world that I disliked.
I hate you. For creating something such disgusting and no one likes it.
I hate you. For making me unable to sleep.
I hate you. For being short.
I hate you. For making me a female instead of a male.
I hate you. For making me unable to love who I wanted to.
I hate you. For not giving me any chances.
I hate you. For you who gives me hope then crush it to pieces afterwards.
I hate you. For lying to me.
I hate you. For tricking me.
I hate you. For all those sweet memories you gave me.
I hate you. For those memories turned bitter.
I hate you. For not knowing my dislike for coffee.
I hate you. For not saying anything at all.
I hate you. For being such an attention-whore--- wait. I mentioned this just now. Whatever.
I hate you. For the lack of innovations and creativity.
I hate you. For the lack of common sense--- wait. I think I repeated this as well. Hmm.
I hate you. For how can you not know a way for business.
I hate you. For the inability of understanding accounts.
I hate you. For the inability to teach AT ALL.
I hate you. For not making any safety precautions and procedures which hurts people.
I hate you. For causing accidents and hurting the others thanks to your lil' careless mistake.
I hate you. For abandoning your child.
I hate you. For hurting the child.
I hate you. For I can be a better date.
I hate you. For the inability to give happiness to a love.
I hate you. For being self-centered.
I hate you. For your egoism.
I hate you. For being EMO.
I hate you. For being emo but not and you're just a freaking ATTENTION WHORE.
I hate you. For being so friggin' fake.
I hate you. For the lack of common sense--- WHY THERE'S SO MANY LACK OF THIS?!
I hate you. For being stupid and foolish.
I hate you. For trolling to destroy.
I hate you. For letting me feel guilty.
I hate you. For making this country worse than it was.
I hate you. For trying to make each other racist.
I hate you. For being discrimination at people.
I hate you. For creating lousy music.
I hate you. For the inablity to teach me.
I hate you. For you who's myself.
I hate you. For being lazy.
I hate you. For the lack of inspiration.
I hate you. For losing what you originally have.
I hate you. For losing your voice.
I hate you. For losing your mind.
I hate you. For losing your heart.
I hate you. For wearing a mask.



I hate you. And the list goes on and on.


And I hate you. For the sake of hating you.

Misunderstood / Stirring...

NOTE: Direct copy from my FB status.
Insert: 如果或可是 / 真的真的很爱你 [NOTE: Different songs :/ One sang by me, one wasn't]


‎"...you said you didn't believe this song is meant for you. By saying this, you're denying my love for you. You really thought that I'm still in love with my first love - but seriously, who doesn't? You did the same. But if your denial towards my love is really the reason why you just won't accept me, then fine.

It's already been months, and I really don't quite care much about this already.

I've brought you on a date, I've sang songs for you, recorded songs for you, drew a mini-comic/leaflet as your birthday card, brought you a rose, gave you a cake, hugged you, kissed you.......

...and they're still not enough to prove my feelings for you?

I grinned at the thought of that, bitterly. Especially of all that I've done for you. Oh well, if that's how you really think, then I really have nothing to say, my dear.

And as someone's suggestion, I should have just forget about you.

And I shouldn't have typed my blog out.

Yet, I dislike misunderstanding.

So, I typed them out.

Just to let you know - if there's fate, once again - and to let myself know, how stupid I am fall into the wrong hands again and again..."

~ Arcym, Misunderstood




= = = = = = = = = =


Some Little Things That's Not Typed Out:


All those aside, I have never regretted in any of these.
Since they're the once that helped me learning something new.
And I'm pretty sure even though I really still am in love with you,
You will never come back to me.

Unless someone proved me wrong - but that's highly impossible.

And so, I shall continue living.
Living on those days that I have, or never, met you.
Yet, I will still be reminded of those things that the both of us shared.
Which... I'm pretty much was annoyed about.


The stirring in my heart, I just couldn't stand it...


-sigh-


Oh well... Time to go.

真的真的很爱你

Insert: 真的真的很爱你 (by yours truly: Me - Akira Rei / Arcym)


Wow, I can't believe this...
I love my new template 8D
But it's rather hard to fast-post it in the Blog itself anymore :/
But it's pweeeetty DDDDDD8


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


So... I've uploaded this song, like, finally.
And, like, erm...
I don't really plan to let that idiot to listen to this so...
Hmmm.


I'mma just posting it up.


Oh, disclaimers: Guitar not by me, repitching not by me.
I only provide my own voices ;3
Guitar is done by Melissa Sasa and Repitching ish done by Kou.
And I fall in rabu with mahsewf 8DDD -shot-


PS: This is NOT the full version of the whole songs, there's still more instruments to come in. This is just a BETA version. ;3


The Link For The Song: http://www.box.net/shared/ahe6c0mx0sq395njnick

= 真的真的很爱你 Lyrics =

Verse 1:

我好想念和你 S M S 的快乐

我好想念和你西哈打闹的快乐

多么的开心，多么的幸福

就这么简单就能得到满足

我好想念和你手牵手的日子

我好想念和你互相调戏的日子

那一片蛋糕，那一杯红茶

就这么奇妙的变成了佳肴

Pre-Chorus 1:

但，欢乐的时光就是那么快结束的

被我的理性，被我的双手

是我先放弃了爱你的资格

让这一小段奇迹般的幸福结束了

Chorus 1:

但是我真的真的很爱你

爱到我控制不了自己的感情

不想掉入这个没结果的陷阱

却又一次一次被你的温柔所拉近

就因为我真的真的很爱你

爱到我遍体鳞伤还继续下去

刻意的避开你我持续不下去

就这样慢慢的被你的温柔所侵蚀

Verse 2:

从哪天开始我们不zai通话

从哪天开始我已经把你给隔离

但我删除不了你，删除不了回忆

一遍又一遍重复读着我们的过去

从哪天起我不再等着你的消息

从哪天起我不再拿起手机 S M S 你

那时的快乐，那时的伤心

我很想把全部关于你的忘记

Pre-Chorus 2:

但，我每次都下不了手，股不起勇气

这一段幸福，这一段感情

哪怕只是一片浪漫的幻影

它在我脑海里深刻地留下了痕迹

Chorus: 2

就因为我真的真的很爱你

爱到我遍体鳞伤还继续下去

不想掉入这个没结果的陷阱

却一次又一次的被你的温柔所拉近

但是我真的真的很爱你

爱到我控制不了自己的感情

刻意的避开你我持续不下去

就这样慢慢的被你的温柔所侵蚀

Bridge:

泪不停的落下  我处于地狱中  生不如死

就像伤口上撒了一堆盐   心被打碎   身体被疼痛所麻醉

好痛苦

Chorus 3:

我真的真的真的很爱你

爱到连我自己都快要窒息

它就只是个奇迹般的幻影

却逼真得让我堕入下去不能够回去

就我真的真的真的很爱你

爱到我控制不了自己的感情

明明很清楚这是没结果的骗局

最后还是欺骗了自己

就因为我真的真的爱着你

所以我才必须离开你

So... yeah, that's all for this post. ;3

Hope you guys enjoyed this =3

Or not 8D

Don't hit me if you don't DDDDDD8

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

It's been, well, a while...

I still don't regret about my decision.

But whenever I see that name popping up in my notification,

I would immediately went onto that post, and delete everything of mine.

Just because I don't want to be reminded anymore.

I've deleted almost everything and as much as I could.

But this song...

I guess, let this song be the only reminder, then.

Since, well, this is also a beautiful song.

I must thank someone for giving me such inspiration to make such a good song.

But I don't want to be reminded of that someone any longer.

Perhaps I'm not over yet,

Or perhaps I am.

Maybe...

Hmm.

Either way, I wanted to move on...

So don't come into my life anymore, thank you.

I'm out. |3

= = = = = = = = = = =

:: EDIT ::

Ohhell you said this song wasn't meant for you?!

Fine. SUITS YOURSELF.

If you really don't believe it, then don't.

Though I really dislike misunderstandings.

Just to tell you right here right now:

I have loooong moved on from my... I couldn't call that an ex. Let's see...

That princess, yes, I should call that B that.

I have no longer bear any feelings for the current Princess, you see?

The only thing that remain in my mind regarding that B,

Is only, and ONLY, the past Ice Mountain.

I will never be in love with a bitchy princess.

That's how I came to -coughlovecough- you and get rid of that feeling.

You just won't believe it, huh?

Oh it's okay.

I've done WHATEVER I could.

And also to heed someone's advice, I really shouldn't bother but STILL:

Until you FREAKING call me, I shall NEVER find you back!

I. Hate. Misunderstanding.

If you have anything, talk! Speak that shiz out!

Keeping in your FREAKING HEART doesn't make anything much better!

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF---

See? This is WHY I freaking hate you people. ARGH.

I don't care about it anymore. -storms gracefully walks out-

Of K-On and Reality...

Insert: On My Own / Turning Tables / Get It Right [GLEE]

I love you K-On.

So much that I need to create a blog post just to talk about how much I love you.

I love your humors, I love your songs, I love your characters.

Yet again, it was because of all of these I hate you.

There's no such humor happening around me right now,

There's no such skill within me that I can hit those songs with perfection,

There's no such humans with the exact characteristics that I wanted beside me.

However, K-On, you're the only joy that makes me love what I loved right now,

All the humors, the joy of music, and hanging out with my dear friends...

Sadly, they're not exactly like K-On...

...and that's of course, impossible, since Anime and Real Life never crossed.

= = = = = = = = = =

After watching the K-On!! Come With Me Live Concert mkv file...

...which, freaking lagged at most parts :\

I have the urge to re-download the whole friggin' thing once again... but that's not the point.

When I'm watching it, I feel so joyful and hyper regarding all that happened within,

And I'm touched by all those scenes that made me wanna cry -

They're performing as if it's their last time...

Even though they're playing a friggin' happy song, it made me wanna cry.

But of course, I kind of wanted to watch this with Kou,

Therefore I only clicked on the center to check...manatau, hahaha. =v=;;;

Ending up watching almost the whole later half... OTL|||

But I haven't watched the beginning yet, and the lags in within really bugged me. =x=

How dare they lagged on Death Devil's part?! DDDDDD<

*cough* Anyway, I loved so far how much I watched it...

And the full thing is like, almost four HOURS. D8!!!

It'll take me a friggin' long time to finish it... hmm.

"On my own, pretending you're beside me..."

Main point: When I finished it...

After the long while of hyperness and joys that I got from this video...

I'm, depressed.

On how much it is different from real life...

There will never be people be bonded as much as they do.

We might be so friendly and our relationship is tight, right now...

But after some while, people would change and things happened.

Then, the bond will loosen.

And then, it'll snap.

And dead.

Our relationships be.

I would dare to say that I have no such a close friend beside me right now.

Friends in the college, friends in cosplay, friends in the past...

All of them were nothing but strangers, acquaintances.

Even if we're so close during one time, we'll just walk our path after that.

Everyone would walk their own path.

Everyone has their own ideals.

Everyone has their own future worlds.

No one would be the same as you are.

And you will meet new people, continue finding your place in this earth you called home...

...or hoped to call home.

And so, everyone is alone, despite how many friends they called or how many family they had.

Nothing will ever let you feel you have someone beside you.

Nothing.

Because they will still leave you, someday in the future.

No one will get such a luck and chances like those characters in K-On...

Best friends since they're young, meet new people during highschool,

Studying in the same college after everyone graduated...

Even though their ideals are different...

Who, can achieve such bond?

In this world we called "Real Life"?

I'd say - nobody.

= = = = = = = = = =

From my own past...

During primary school, I've known and forgotten a lot of people,

Because my class is always changing.

1U, 2G, 3C, 4C, 5R, 6R.

Two years, for a kid, can never be enough for true friendship to bloom and bond.

The most we can be, are good friends, but mostly we're just acquaintance.

If I really need to name one, it'll be Tako.

Even until now, we still... kind of talk with each other.

Still, there's so much we lost and missed.

Then, middle school.

1B, 2C, 3C, 4E1, 5E1.

Thanks to the trait I carried from my primary school, I'm assigned to a "special seat".

I'm not changing, and those that changes were only the people sitting beside me.

Whom I gained as a best friend, throughout these years?

1B? None. 2C? None. 3C? Not really.

Then, there's 4E1.

It's a whole new class. Faces that I knew and don't.

But then, those were the faces I would face for two consecutive years.

I started to learn about them, yet, they weren't anyone that I can call close friends.

Not at all.

After 16 years, there's still none.

Even when I joined the Drama Team, it's somehow for fun to me.

Well, I must say, I had fun, but I'm not really that serious.

Because I have no real roles in the team.

I'm just a person who made those Special Effects.

Nothing much. :\

Then, Form Five...

I met people, formed a Japanese Club.

One of them is Kou, and he remained as my first ever best friend up 'till now.

The other? *smirks* To be honest, I don't know what should I call that right now.

Too much disappointments. I'd say.

And I thought that it'll be back to the past - that's what she hoped for.

But then, it'll be impossible, since things had changed.

There's nothing that I can do to revert myself to the past and face her the same way as I did in Form Five.

I don't even hope for the change to happen, too.

Even wishing on the shooting star doesn't make it happen.

For two years I've been waiting, yet nothing happened.

It's okay. I've gave up on that.

Oh, and the owl? It serves no purpose right now.

And it's cheap anyway - RM10. Yeah.

I might have thrown it away if it wasn't because of its beauty.

"God knows what I'm fighting for..."

Kou?

He did not change from how I knew him since the beginning -

As depressing as always.

Nothing can cure its depressions.

Not even a loving man or a caring woman can cure this sickness of his.

Forever and unending.

Proud to say this bad thing: I gave up on that as well.

Oh yes, I gave up in a lot of stuffs.

Let's see...

I gave up on playing the piano.

I gave up on getting as slim as an athlete.

I gave up on cosplay like the pros could.

I gave up on hoping my family would leave me alone.

I gave up on miracles in group works.

I gave up on a lot of people - love-interest, friends, and comrades related.

I gave up on finding love.

I gave up on becoming a good drummer.

I gave up on singing professionally.

I gave up on RP-ing... then came back because I missed it.

I gave up on becoming a better person.

The only thing that I couldn't give up on is to continue living, and continue dreaming.

"What can you do when your good isn't good enough,

All that you touch tumbles down?"

= = = = = = = = = =

Playing games is just a way to escape from real life.

Because in games, you can start all over again.

Because in games, there's walkthrough and guides.

Because in games, there's something call "quit game" or "game over".

If only life is so simple and so easy...

If only we can quit the game whenever we're tired with it...

If only...

= = = = = = = = = =

It's been a while since I typed my blog...

I'm surprised at how much depression I had in my life,

Yet I don't look like one that face depression.

And I certainly don't sound like that in my blog as well. *smirks*

Why, of course, I had nothing towards depression.

And they... aren't really depressions.

Or rather, I'm just trying to turn them into depression, or turn depression into something lighter.

Ah, well, who would care much about this anyway? *shrugs*

After all, even though one's in love with you, they wouldn't go and know you thoroughly inside out.

They have something better to bother about, anyway. *grins*

Don't you, my dear readers? ;3

Lessons Learned. Today. OTL|||

Insert: Party Rock Anthem [by LMFAO]

Ah, good days with my mom NOT around...

I feel happier |DDD

Even mistakes and ouchies can be happy, as long as my mom's not around |DDD

Though, happy days are bound to end soon.

My mom's coming back tomorrow. .w.

Ohwell, until then... I SHALL HAVE FULL FUNSSSSS!!! 8DDDDDDDD

Anyway, I fall in love with the song Party Rock Anthem and tried to shuffle... but I failed LOL!

...

...

...wait, that's not my purpose in writing a blog today. OTL|||

===

So, today's dinner: Curry Soup Maggi Mee.

With egg.

Because I'm not the one cooking, so I'm not proud with it LOL!

But still, it's one of my favorite. |D

However, there's no vege.

Hmm.

Search... search... search... I remember there's seaweeds around here... search...

AHA! WAKAME!

It's not the normal seaweed I ate, but... it works the same~ Right? 8DDD

Check expiry date... okay. 2013. Still edible. |D

Tear it open. Popping it out.

...

...

...

So small. Is it enough? Hmm. -pops more in-

-looks at the full bowl of wakame on top of the noodles-

Okay~ This should be enough--- wait.

Something's not right.

-checks the manual behind the packet-

"Soak it for 3 - 5 miutes, weight and size will increase in 15 times."

Soak: 3 - 5 minutes.

3 - 5 minutes.

Three to fifteen minutes.

-looks at the bowl- ...ha...hahaha... Oh great.

Soak la you, soak la.

Soak.

-went back to the packet, rereads-

INCREASE IN 15 TIMES.

...

...

...

-looks at the bowl again-

...

...

...you know what? Screw it. -EATS THE NOODLES + WAKAME-

OMFG.

WHY SHO SHWEET.

YOU ADA ADD SUGAR KE YOU STUPID WAKAME?! =A=!?

-checks-

-no sights of sugars added-

WHAT THE HECK?!?!?!? ORIGINAL GOT SHO SHWEET DE MEH?!

Is it because I added too much...?

Oh shizzles.

-eats... and laughs at my stupidity-

Ah, hao tian ohhhhh....... TvT;;;;;;

===

So next time, dear readers...

Take note of this lessons that I learned today:

1. Do not be greedy... if you want to be greedy then;

2. Please read the manuals. Even if they're foods.

So that you will not suffer. -bows-

Rants.

Insert: Raise Your Glass [by The Warblers in GLEE]

I don't deserve to rant.

Why?

My family treats me too well for me to rant.

They give what I want and what I don't want.

They don't have arguments or divorce problems.

They love each other too well.

They take care of me, like, overprotective.

They love me but I'm the only one that doesn't feel it.

So yeah, I don't deserve to rant.

Whenever people were talking regarding their families,

They always have major problems (my closest friends, not those dumb strangers...)

Like, divorce, siblings causing troubles, being abused, blah blah blah.

Me?

I have no sorts of things happened like that in my life.

I'm far too lucky.

Compare to them.

Still.

I wished to change my life with them.

Oh yes, that's one kind of a twisted thought I had.

And for such a long time.

Or maybe I watched too much animations that it somehow altered my mind.

Whatever.

Still.

I wanted to change my life with them.

Because that would somehow make me feel stronger, I think.

Rather than being stuck in this cage, being protected and loved...

I don't know, I just... don't like my family.

I don't deserve to NOT like them, because that's how people want theirs to be, but...

I really, REALLY, want to change my life with them.

You want my keyboard? Sure, have it.

You want my laptop? Sure, have it.

You want my money you want my life you want my parents you want my family?

Sure. HAVE IT.

I want to get rid of them, and be independent.

I felt like being pampered too much by them to be independent.

Of course, all the cause is because I'm too lazy and everything - still.

Can I have my life to be switched with you?

You want the fames, you want the flames, get it.

I really don't mind giving up in all of those so that I can live alone INDEPENDENTLY.

Oh yes, I really hate myself.

Because despite I had SOOOOO much things that people wanted to have:

Love, money, life, school life, parents, loving family, whatevernot...

I have ALL of them.

Yes, I can... not proudly, but honestly tell you, that I have ALL of them.

But I'm not satisfied.

Not the love they gave is not enough, not the money not the life not EVERYTHING.

They gave me EVERYTHING, and perhaps it's TOO MUCH for me to even FEEL a thing.

I dislike this.

I dislike the ME I've been raised.

I dislike myself.

Oh yes, I do.

That's why sometimes, when I said that I'm in love with someone...

I can understand why I'm not being loved back.

I don't deserve people's loves.

Nuh-uh, I'm serious.

I don't even love my family I don't even love myself.

How can I love somebody else when I... don't feel any loves?

I can proudly and honestly tell you I'm selfish.

Because I can't feel the love, at all.

When people (mostly friends, and families) tell me they love me...

I don't know, I just... don't believe it.

I would doubt, and I would shrug.

My mom always said this to me:
"You must be thinking that it's a matter of course for us to love you, right? And because of this, you won't treasure the things beside you!"

Hmm, I wonder how many percent was that true.

Because I never thought that it's a matter of course for you people to love you - or rather, I would prefer that you don't. And it's not that I don't treasure the things beside me, it's just that I don't really need them, like, seriously.

The guitar... I don't even learn it.

The keyboard... I'm borrowing it to one of my best friends.

The laptop... I want it because like, I don't want to bother my friends many times to borrow theirs in school.

The PSP... hey, it's sis-in-law who doesn't want it, okay? It's not that I want this because I dislike the PS2.

Hmm, what else they said that I don't cherish? Well, everytime I ask for new things, they said that.

They just nagged and talked, and think that I shouldn't borrow those that's supposed to be precious to me to anyone else. But... Hmm.

Oh well, maybe it's really my problem, or they just don't understand me.

They always say "Come down, don't lock yourself inside the room! How can we even understand each other if we're not talking?"

The point is: We're too far away. Me and my siblings? We're like, one decade away. You can't blame me for being an outcast in the house. Even though I wanted to talk...what should I talk about? Animes? Games? Oh no, they're too smart for these kinds of stuffs.

And what they always talk about? Their works, their jobs...

Oh, they work in the same company, so.

So what can I say? Music? They don't have the same sense as mine. I listen to Japanese songs, they don't. I listen to Broadway songs, they don't. And they call me to stop listening to Japanese songs because it affects how I talk and everything and blahblahblah and my singing style---

Yes. I know that.

But of all stuffs - DON'T INSULT THEM.

But did they listen? Oh they sure not.

I don't even bother proving - okay, that's my bad for NOT proving myself to you.

*sigh*

So much happened in the weekly "Fantoi" session...

And they kept on "urging" each other to "voice out" their problems...

I don't feel like voicing out - why?

Those wasn't even some freaking PROBLEM compare to theirs!

And so, I'll just keep my quiet.

I'm only saying about people's problems that had no concern with mine.

At all.

Like, my brother and my sis-in-law and how they treat their son.

Not even my problem. *headdesk*

I just don't feel like talking about mine - because they aren't really... problems.

I'm NOT neglected.

I'm NOT a poor kid.

I'm NOT being abused.

I'm NOT with unloving parents.

I'm NOT the eldest.

I'm NOT the one who's gonna carry the house one day.

And something I wished: I'm NOT their child.

But it's a wish.

(I hope it'll come true, so that I can use this excuse to escape...

I'm so bad. OTL|||)

My family is just like every other families.

NORMAL. Family.

No finance problem, no family problems, no working problems...

NO. PROBLEMS.

The only problem is only my heart and how I see all of these, I guess?

And they always call me to reflect - I CAN'T EVEN REFLECT.

All I thought during that time is HOW they treat me.

And HOW MUCH I wish they treat me differently.

Can they just like, ignore me?

I wanted to be ignored.

I wanted to be poor.

I wanted to be pitied but not be looked upon.

I wanted to... be whatever that the others doesn't want to.

Of course, that's just plain selfish - I know.

That's why I can't say a single word.

And so, I type.

Not for anyone to see - I don't think people would even be so free to stalk your blog everyday to see your updates and I don't think people would even CARE about what you shared in FB.

Only someone like ME who's so 38 and kepoh and BORED to do such a thing to go and like and comment and trying to butt in people's business--- whatever.

And it hurts me so much to see people's family worse than me... because I would feel so much lucky and I would just shut up and can't give any good comments for them because... well, I'm... lucky.

Yeah.

Lucky.

Yeah.

Trying to convince myself here.

Yeah.

Padahal in my WHOLE life I have never been stressed before.

I told this to Yuki because in one of the phone session 2 years ago...

That, I don't feel stressed about anything,

Is because I'm stressed with my family. Too much.

Hmm.

Now I'm afraid to open a drinking party in my house.

Because I MIGHT go slam open my parent's door and start screaming at them.

Something I NEVER do in my whole 19 years of living.

Am I being too obedient to them? *shrugs*

And whenever I rebelled - somehow, which in my thoughts they're considered quite minor,

My mom would just nag nag nag and said something that I've grown up blahblahblah and being much worse.

Where... I'm actually being much expressive than previously.

I'm trying to VOICE OUT what I DIDN'T in the past... decade.

Because I'm trying to respect you elderly people.

But apparently, that's not enough for you to understand me.

Or you just can't believe I'm actually not the one you're hoping for me to be. *shrugs*

Look, at least I don't SCREAM in front of your face. All I did, was yell for one word, and then I kept quiet and swallow all my other words in.

Hell, Yuki even said that I'm suffering from injustice...whatever 委屈 meant.

But... compare to their problems, I... I just... don't think mines are problems!

Damn.

I wanted to rant but I have no place to rant.

Luckily I have Kou. *sigh* And I guess I have yet to open up to the others...yet.

Nope, not even Reina, though I don't mind for her to know but... I just can't speak it out. *sigh*

It feels AWKWARD. =x=

And I don't know WHY. =3=

===

And over here, I need to apologize to... the people I loved - or rather, being with me before -

And... STILL, in love with.

*sigh* Oh yeah, I need to admit this.

I'm still in love with the people I loved/been with before.

Or rather, I just can't forget/discard those feelings.

*cough* Anyway, enough for my "confessions" which... they aren't really IS a confession.

(Grammar mistakes...skip it.)

I wanted to apologize for being... mean.

Yeah, mean. (Or overly sarcastic that I'm actually sound like wanted to have a fight with you... which I really don't meant to do so... whatever.)

I don't meant to be mean but...

I just... I don't know. *scratches head*

It just happened that way.

Perhaps I'm just being hurt too much.

Or, I just am disappointed at how you are right now.

...I guess.

*sigh*

And another thing I found out - I'm only sarcastic (or being mean) to those that I really, really, loved.

And treasured.

Which is, a bad thing - I know.

I'm literally hurting the people I loved, and myself for being mean (and thinks of negative stuffs OTL|||)

GAH! This is so confusing! *ruffled with my hair*

Whatever, you can ignore this part.

Just remembered that I'm sorry, and you can ignore the others.

There: DONE.

===

I guess there's really times that I'm so selfish that...

I have that thought of "Yeah, it's like, you owe me a lot and you should've pay me back in this way."

That's why when someone decided to belanja me or anything, I would be so glad to accept it.

Oh yes.

That's why when it's my birthday, and like, someone FOR THE VERY FIRST FRIGGIN' TIME decided to like, belanja me (is that my first time being belanja'd? I think so), and I was like "FINALLY! Someone decided to like do this. GREAT! I don't need to pay! All my pay off in the past is like, finally paid off! Yeap, I definitely DESERVES this."

Oh my, I really sounded like a freaking pampered princess, don't I?

But that's really what I was thinking that day. March 31st 2011.

Therefore I need to thank the people here again: Kou, Qiqi, Reina... and Yuki for that wig. The rest of the 3 for like, having a surprise party for me.

Seriously: I'm really... touched.

My very FIRST. FREAKING. TIME.

In like, NINETEEN YEARS.

I have something different.

DIFFERENT.

And it feels so special that... I feel like crying everytime I thought about it.

It's really the best birthday, EVER.

I love you guys. <3

===

OKAY OKAY! I've ranted ENOUGH!

It's friggin' 3:16 A.M. right now...

Great.

Tomorrow 8a.m. I still have a breakfast to catch up with.

WITH MY FAMILY.

......can I like, not go?

And then they will say things like "Why you're so separated with us blahblahblah..."

"Families should talk!"

"Family is the most important thing in the world!"

...and the yadayada-HEN.

Okay, stop ranting and putting inputs.

Oyasumi, minna.

Thanks for reading up 'till here. =3

Love ya people. <3