To A Lot of People

Insert Song: Nankahen no Sekai (Original by Me, am still proud of this masterpiece)

[To 2018 Me]

Yo, don't worry k? You're fine. You'll be fine. 2019 me is super fine yo. Aside from burning down too many bridges (not to say regret, but more of a... "sigh, fine, it's really my fault"), I think everything is still fine as of now?

Work isn't all that smooth, just to say. Whatever I was dreaming since 2006 doesn't work out at all. But hey, it's not like I don't like my life right now? Sure, it was ambitious. I wanted to do a lot of things, but uh, this world ain't very kind in the first place. Be glad that you at least get a good environment to stay in, ok?

But yeah, I wanted to change something, not because it's too stagnant but like, I feel like... everyone's doing their best in their life but I haven't been doing anything? Again, not that it's bad - I don't think it's bad, I enjoyed my life - but it's... a sense of guilt? Because I have been resting for too long, that kind? Not sure.

Maybe 2020 Me will answer this question heh 8D

Anyhow, that's not the reason I'm here soooooooooo

[To Primary Friends]

I have been switching classes yo, from 1U to 2G to 3C 4C then 5R and 6R. Like, the people that I've been meeting are always changing. I was fucking lazy I tell ya, and my punishment was to stay at that stagnant place (seat) when everyone around me was changing (rows).

...come to think about it maybe that's when it started.

Anyways, I knew a lot of friends - friends in class, friends that sits beside me, friends that I met through choir (thank whichever god that allowed this to happen omg I was and AM still grateful about that wonderful experience)

So who do I actually appreciate during Primary school? Who do I actually remember? 1U and 2G felt like a hurricane, though some of the events are still fresh in my head.

Like, I remembered Aster was crying because I don't want to be her friend (but I forgot WHY I don't want to be her friend because I actually wanted to be her friend so I'm so confused wtf actually happened) and we disconnected from then on...

Until like, 3C or 4C? Where I joined choir? Then we all reconnected and I fucking love the people in the choir. I can't remember all of their names but I remember this librarian Yen and Esther were in it. I really don't remember the others wow. And the reason why I remembered them is because we all are in SyncTone in Secondary. Such fate I tell ya-

I remember friends appreciated and liked my singing of Wada Kouji songs, and I really loved singing back then. I forgot their names, but... well, times changed and they soon disliked animations when they entered Secondary. But hey, I think they're the ones who gave me the courage (?) or passion to continue on singing.

Then, starting in 5R and 6R, I got to know the 5 of them and 2 dudes where my brain still have a very fresh memory about. There are 2/3 more other dudes in my drawing but uh I don't really know who are they. (And I hated one of them, but I forgot why :/ He's like, the ALWAYS VILLAIN in the drawing, but... hmmm. Why???)

The thing is, in 5R, those 5 girls and 2 dudes aren't even like my bestest best friends. My best friend is Kiwi. And... dammit I really forgot the other girl's name. I seldom speak with her, but we're all drawing buddies. They all draw like shoujo style and beautiful arts, while me be like SWORDS, DUDES, MUSCLES. But hey, thanks to them, I get to fully enjoy doing arts. Also, Kiwi and I created "Todou Gakuen" and "Legend of Avelent". I actually created stories since 11, wow.

I know you're working hard right now, even though I'm not quite sure what you're doing exactly now. Whatever it is, I hope that you're happy and doing fine. You gave me a good childhood, I'd say. My life actually "started" when I met you. I really enjoyed playing with you.

Back to the 5 girls and 2 dudes. The "R" class has been friends since Standard 3 or 4, so they all knew each other for very long time. When I'm in, I was immediately pulled into their group. Like yeah, I love being in their group, they're super funny and interesting. They find my drawings funny af.

Though sometimes, they already have those inside jokes, and I'm still an outsider. I'm glad that they pulled me in though. It makes me feel like "I belong somewhere". Though for just 2 years, thank you very much.

Even though in the end the ones that I really know is just half of them I think-

[To My Secondary Friends]

1B and 2B (C? I forgot) is truly... boring. Like, seriously. The transition is hard for a lot of people, especially for such an Otaku like me. I really can't TALK with anybody during these time, and I sincerely felt like I wanna commit suicide from such a boring class and classmates. (not a depressed moment, just felt pretty alien)

Kiwi went to an International School in Subang, so even if we can meet and talk it'll always be on the weekends. Even so, we both got new friends and things got harder to catch up. Also this is when I knew that I like girls so it got awkward I think irdfk-

But anyway, thank god Ember is still there, I can still talk to her. But we were not in the same class cuz... I unfortunately (???) scored higher and have to be placed in a "higher standard class" (though to me they're all the same). Meh, I hate those two-three years man :/

That's how I knew Light as well. Thank you man. Thank you so much. Like, seriously, without you? I think there's a lot of things that I don't know how to handle. You taught me so much throughout the years, even though your methods can be a lil'... It doesn't mean I don't appreciate you, alright? Sure, you seem like a toxic friend cuz we're seriously acting like foreigners and degrading other human beings (whenever Callous is around especially) buuuuut

You saved my life, bro. You saved my life. We're been through life and death. Even though you're not in my circle of friends now (I'm sorry cuz I made you uncomfortable, probably), please do call me if you need help. If it's not too much to handle, I'll do to repay that favor. That one favor when I was 19 and being idiot to trust the wrong person for my life.

Another one that I'll thank is Snow. Well, cuz, she was normal back then and no matter how I see it, she's like my first ever crush like HARD CRUSH. We were never together mind you. But yeah, it's as if we're together, but seriously we're... not. :/

She has became a Princess now so I'm only thanking her when she's still Snow.

...fine, I'll still thank the Princess but seriously the resentment is still going strong no matter what sort of things that she's doing now. It's like, that nightmare will still haunt me. But hey, it taught me to actually learn how to drive and not fucking be dependent on anyone else but myself, k? If it's not because of that, I don't think I'll learn how to drive that fast, and with SUCH passion.

So yeah, thank you for being my first love because of your... probably "illusionary" tolerance and the love of animation. I don't know how many percentage of you is actually tolerating this brat from giving you weird attentions and love, but hey, thank you for not pushing me away, and... sorry for causing you troubles.

But, I resent you from that time. I still do. It'll be a memory that will forever etch in my mind, reminding myself of such an event, to protect myself from everyone else.

I... I really don't remember many people in Secondary. I'm so sorry. I remember that one you because you're still in my friend list but... we're not actually "friends". I like you as my neighbour cuz you won't discriminate me drawing at my free time, but that's almost everything that I remember. Thank you for being humorous and funny tho.

[My Online Friends ~ Throughout my 10 - 23 years old]

My first ever forum RP is a Digimon forum... which I forgot wtf the name is. It was weird, we all just create characters and BOOM everyone's like YEAH WE CAN DIGIVOLVE INTO OUR LATEST FORM AND I WIN YOU I ALWAYS WIN YOU NEVER GET TO WIN MEEE metagame shits. It was... really meh.

But then, I discovered... my life changing forum omg.

Also Digimon, mind you. I only Digimon back then. Don't question. I still love them now. Waiting for the final movie to come out. 

Digimon Chronicle. The first version. In ezboard. Fucking old I tell ya. I was in there, and luckily I was in there, I managed to make an account and start an adventure with a GM.

Then, there's the second version... and because of the second version, the people who imported from the first version get to have a whole ton of godmod freebies that I can't even imagine that I was so lucky to get 'em. But anyhow, because of that, I'm like "yeah, the VETERAN" of the forum *smirks* (even tho I was a newbie in the forum LOL)

But uh, that's not the biggest deal I tell ya.

Majin DarkSide. Yes, I still remember his name. He is like my first best buddy in the board, and like my "first leader". He was a Moderator back then (like a GM) and there was no "draw system" back then, so... when you do the Flamingomon's Casino 10 draws, the GM will randomly give you stuffs based on how they feel during that day. (Yes, I /think/ bias did happened back then, but I never knew since I was so young - I was 10 I think. I forgot. The records in my saved files is when i was 13 so I probably started a few years before.)

I didn't cared about relationships and politics back then, but idk how he liked me and we're always like RPing (or chatting) together, so I managed to get quite a few amazing deals from him. Money, Digimons, Eggs, High Level Other-Anime-Bastards-'mons, etc. It was great time...

Until they realized that shit is too much and wanted to close it down to REVAMP it into a new system. So....... here comes two different forums. (Or was it that the admin was too busy to handle it so they decided to change shits i forgot) They also allow humans to level up themselves so it's really weird but uh Y E A H. (Also, this is before Digimon Frontier is being introduced, so they all banned the Spirit 'mons; also since this is before DF it means it's before Saviors hence WE ARE THE ORIGINAL DDS WITH PUNCHES K??? ehem)

One is still called Digimon Chronicle, if I'm not mistaken, but has taken a whole new approach. You can no longer get daily freebies like how you do back then, and you're actually forced to RP. Buuut it's inactive af so we never really got to do anything here - which makes me fucking S A D. It has so much potentials orz

The other one is Forgotten Chronicle, which is like a spiritual successor of the original DC. You still get freebies, yes, but it's more systematic and you can't really "cheat". No more "bias" giveaways. It's all dice rolled and randomized. This is where I /really/ learned how to RP, cuz a lot of "competitions" aren't centered around "how powerful is your Digimon" but more of "how did you use your body and moves, how do you describe your actions, to land a solid and convincing hit on the other party".

There's this dude named "Zero", and I really followed his every single posts. His descriptions are the top of the top, so I'm always learning how to write from him. That's also how my English got like almost perfect I'm so damn glad and proud TAT

I knew Azure from here. He's from... Vietnam? I think? I forgot. But he's like my best bud during that time (aside from Majin, who created his own Chaos Knights and then shits happen and then idk what happen omg it's so chaotic like its namesake I really forgot what actually happened hAHAHAHAHAH) and we always RP together because our time matches really well.

Buuuuuuut they're all not THE friends that I treasure in my heart.

DC and FC got inactive when all the mods stopped modding, and admins stopped coming in, so it was dead. I have to find a new place. Then I found the one that got my heart beat, then broken in the short span of 5 years - wow 5 years is actually very long.

ANYWAY.

ArianaPhoenix. This is the person that my heart always have a soft spot on, and I still have. The thing is, I can't always connect with her, and it's just so hard to get to her. But when I do, I always have a great time with her. Hence, this is a huge guilt for me to unable to commit my heart and soul for such a person out there in the world where I have never seen, meet, or touched before. But hey, we heard each other's voices. That's when my phone bill racked up - yikes. I was deeply in love with her back then, and she to me. But...

It doesn't really work out when it's like on and off and on and off and like there's so much doubts. My heart is always up and down in the forum too, cuz when she's on, I can do a lot of things - but when she's not, there's so many things that I just... don't feel like doing it.

I got to know a lot of closer friends too during those days (maybe because I'm 18 and I know what I'm doing already???) like Enzan, Random, White (in a Persona forum)... fuck, I really don't RP with a lot of people :/ Like, I spend my time only with Ari orz

I'm too scared to go and check her out, like, my heart is always grateful and misses her company. But I can't afford to love you anymore like how I did back then. I'm so sorry, and I thank you very much for all the time you spend with me. I truly hope things are getting better for you, and you got to marry the girl of your life, somewhere, and be happy.

[To My University Friends]

There are TWO important friends that I gained and I hope I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER IN MY LIFE lose them. One is Keyboard and one is Criminal. Obviously those aren't their real names but it's an inside joke that if you know, you know. So they're not a keyboard warrior nor a criminal, ok? In fact, they're FAR from it. (is that why they got the name HAHA)

Anyway.

I don't know how many karma I racked up to be able to meet you two man. Holyshit. Like sure, there's the Tree and also the Bean but seriously, you two? You two are the bombs. Even though there's always disagreements, and Keyboard you're always too shy or too insecure to speak your mind out, but when we solve them - we SOLVE THEM. You two helped me to get through my University Life of Despair.

I really hated that we can't be in the same band for longer time. I really enjoyed my time with you two. If it's not because of you two, I would've - again - died somewhere out of boredom or out of distress. Thank you. I hope you two have a good life. It doesn't matter if it's long or short as long as it's a happy and a fulfilling life <3 (but selfishly I hope that it'll be long cuz I still wanna be friends and hangout with you two TAT)

Hey Keys, like, I really hate the fact that I didn't know you earlier so that we can take most classes together (we're born in the same year but got in at different times dammit) and we can go on a great adventure! 8D I mean, Nan is a great adventure on its own, but... There's too many things that happened. So I'm really sorry for not explaining myself very well, making some regretful decisions, and hurting most of the people. No, I don't want to connect back to everyone - yet - because tbh Nan isn't about them. It's about you and I trying to make it work.

So... for me to actually step down, and causing such a rift, there's been a great shame that it happened. I have put the shame away and try to connect back one by one, and I started from you. But of course, that's because Criminal is coming back that's why I can use like ITS MY CHANCE!!! But yeah, I missed playing with you, really TAT No matter how the others say, you're still the best in the smol circle that we have here.

Criminal, you're always that big sis to me. You may be smol and blur (at times) but your aura is always calming. You're like, the sister that I wished to get. You listen, and you gave sound advice. You listen, and you would laugh together. I really, really, hope that you and your bf can be happier and live well together without caring too much on the social standards, society's expectations, or other people in general. Just be who you are, and your bf the same. I hope he treats you better too HAHAHAHAAHHAHA dudes be dudes i'm the dude so i kinda know why certain words are being said that way X'D

Of course, the Tree is important. If it's not because of Tree I wouldn't have know the two of you. We were buddies, too. Great buddies. Until... the band. *SIGH* Why oh why guitarists are always the source of all problems. It's just so hard to get a good guitarist in uni it's A HUGE DESPAIR I TELL YOU. Especially when all my songs are rock/metal based and without a good guitar means YOU ARE PRONOUNCED "DEAD".

Do you fucking know that I used to admire you? Because you can play your own songs, but I can never do that? I may have been learning piano since 7 but I ragequit after Grade 7. But no, you didn't live up to our expectations. Tbh that's fucking sad and disappointing. It's like, a huge mountain collapsed. Do you know how hard is it for us all to accept that fact?

SIGH.

But seriously. From Keyboard, it sounds like you're doing super now - albeit fucking busy and all over the world and stressed af - but hey, I hope you're happy with whatever you're doing and actually contribute well to the music world, k?

Please don't further disappoint. Please.

Now to the juniors. Let's start with... The Bean... *SIGH* This can be a whole entire new blogpost but heeeeere goes.

I am SO FUCKING SORRY I called you my disciple cuz, obviously, you're much better than me! Look at you now, you can even function without me, and be learning arts now! You have always been better, and much more talented, just without my kind of confidence (though I really have none I just appear to look like I have).

That's why I loved you, ok? Your talents are killing me. Do I love your personality? That time before I graduate - yes, yes I do. But aaaafter I graduate?

Nnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh.

Ok, I wasn't sure if it's a change. I hope it- I don't even know what to hope. But anyway, if it's a change, then I feel sorry and pity for you to have that change. If it's NOT a change, and it's just your inner self surfacing and be bolder, then... *sigh* I don't like you anymore, then.

Come to think about it, do I really know you? Are you really my friend? At that time, I truly think that you are, and I shared every single detail to you - even my hobbies and arts and music and... so many other things in the world. Did you cared? I'm not so sure now that I think back. Were you just trying to taichi me? I have so much doubts now.

But nevertheless, I loved you, because I was happy around you. I cared for you, because there was no other one worthy enough for my care. There's so many things that we've been through together, and tbh I really am disgusted at myself being so disgusting around you. I don't think that there's ANYTHING in the world that can help you to clear that off from your mind and it's also been a nightmare for me but seriously, I hope that I can apologize in front of you and talk things through.

If, just an if, whatever that part of my heart "believed" is correct and you ARE really hurting, I wish that in a very near future that you can really move on and start to heal. My pain is over, so I hope that yours will be over too. If you don't want to talk, that's perfectly fine - whatever that makes you happy and healing.

Aaand last of all, a person that I don't deem too much as a role of being a University Friend but she IS my junior and she IS in the university when I'm still in there... Pens. Yo Pens. You never joined any of the classes with me - that's like super fine, because even without being classmates, you're a great friend. Awesome friend. Another friend that I don't want to lose.

We never really played together too, so it's a... different kind of friend, from Keyboard and Criminal. But hey, you're working with Keyboard now! I hope you two are friends too, then we can have a friends night where everyone isn't strangers 8D I hope that everyone can go out and play together too TAT (Whether it's tabletop games or band also can)

Thank you Pens. Thank you for listening to this potato's weird rants about love and relationships and keep on nagging at you for every single small details then distance because you won't listen or something then come back because I fucking missed you and frankly, I can't care about your life so... as long as you're happy, I'm happy k? I hope that you won't live to regret, or fuck up in your life. Your past is the past. Ignore them and look forward, do well, live well, for the future.

I'm waiting for the wedding invitation punye k so pls don't just ghost me 8'D

Ohya, after talking to you, I wanna thank you for one more - thanks for being the only person (and still is, I think) that understands each other's situations and be able to talk about it. No matter the conclusion, at least we managed to talk about it. Otherwise, we probably end up being like YaSi or something... and that's creepy af TAT

[To My ACG Friends]

RLC. The one and only. No other one other than you. You may NOT saved me from death, but you have saved me from being suicidal and knew that someone actually cared. That gentleness and kindness from you towards a stranger like me at that DREADFUL DAY was the one favor that I'll always remember.

Now that we're actually in a group together, I wish that it works out and lasts. You've always been a great person to work with - it's really my fault for not really doing things properly, I think orz Sorry to have to bear with my odd requests and actually tolerating the times that I forgot to tell you we're going out and just BANGING on your door and saying

YO LETS GO EAT

Like that's super sudden and it may destroy your life you could've just say no buuut maybe you're too shy to say no idk but thank you for still coming out with us and eat 8'D Thanks for hanging out with me for these two years I really miss you friend TAT

Though, yeah, we're kind of distant from time to time. I want to believe that you're just socially awkward just like I am LOL But hey, you got problems? Tell me and I'll help ya with all the best that I can.

Thank you for being my bestie now. It's really like a dream come true TAT 

MB, everyone in MB, thank you. I don't know each and every one of you personally, and just collective as a group. Though some of the words I wanna speak to each and every one of you. But as a group, thanks for sticking with us think and thin. We talked through things and ended our hesitations. We all wanted the same things, but real life is being a bitch. I hope that the bitch part ends SOON and we can do MORE THINGS again 8D

I hope everything goes well in 2020 and we can soar up higher ;D

Riida. You reeeaaally need to start eating your veges if you wanna continue down this path. If you kept on doing what you've been doing, you'll destroy your career pretty soon. I know you don't like it, but you HAVE to. Veges are good for the skin, your organs, your... everything lah, ok? Water is important too. If only there's someone that will monitor you. Oh, and stop eating them chilis k? They're not good for you now. Stop it for a while and see what happen. You really need to take care of yourself.

But enough with the nags, I wanna talk about thanks. Thank you for approaching me, the only one race that's different from the rest of you, and inviting me into your circle TAT Without you, I probably still live in the world where it's only my kind of people, and having misunderstanding and misconceptions about you people. Or more like, I want to befriend your people? It's just that the first step... where's the first step??? @A@ So yes, for  you to invite me into your circle, is a HUGE step, and very important. Thanks to you, I can thank more people down below like

The Wotas. You all are different, but you don't care about skin color. What's most important is us performing on the stage and you all enjoying the performance. There's some individuals that I really want to thank individually (like Ajaib) but hey, I'll just thank you collectively first, ok?

Back to Riida. I know that this band is not the only thing that you pay attention to, so I thank you for actually trying your best to make it work. I know how hard it is to do something and start something (I was Nan's leader ok?) so I appreciate your hard works. I am so sorry for certain times when I seemed distant, and probably choosing the other side of the circle instead of hanging out with you. I wish I got Kage Bunshin no Jutsu yo TAT I feel bad for not joining your circle SIGH orz

If there's no you, there's no drummer me. So thank you very much <3

Hal. It's a good thing that you're trying to slim down yo. Even though the love for food is very important (it still is ok?) but health is more important. If you don't have health, what food can you eat? How many years can you still try to eat? Don't worry about whoever that hurt you before, ok? Those people are just idiots who don't know how to appreciate a good girl. I hope you found the one that's for you (like how I do right now) and be healthy enough to enjoy all the things you love in the world. <3

Thank you for always being that sweet girl who thought of everyone's wellbeing and be like the middle person for most of the time. I appreciate your hardwork for the guitar even though you're the least musically trained amongst all of us. I really enjoyed playing and working with you. I wish that we can continue this <3

Tag. You're an amazing person. You can do SO MANY THINGS. But I think that's your burden as well. I don't think you wanna hear my nags so I'm just gonna nag here, nag finish, then move on. But I'm still gonna thank you later. Anyhow, let me nag a lil' here LOL

You do arts, you do music, you do all the things you love, and now you even got your own studio. I feel like the amount of things that you want to do compare to the time you have is overwhelming, so I actually wished that you can take a good amount of rest in between of the things you want to do, without actually burning yourself out like how it was for the past 2 years. I don't want to face another ghosting period, but if it happened... well, it'll happen and we'll manage. I'm glad you have tried to open up to us, and talk about your problems, so that all of us are at the same page and understand what you're going through.

So I thank you for trying to spend time with us, open up, and still do until today. Idk how it'll be tomorrow, but I hope that it'll last. You're a good friend, but if you don't want to talk to us or just want some alone time, I get it. Some people probably won't get it. I hope more people understand your need and give you the love that you deserve to have.

Eagle. Being the youngest in the band is really tough, especially when you're originally not from this circle or this generation. The speech gap is really huge sometimes, and you don't use the apps that we use to connect a lot of times. But still, you did what you could and we're now connected.

Thank you for sticking with these weird weird onee-chan (even though none of us call ourselves that and you actually is more mature than at least two of them) and play with us. It made us feel young too WAHAHAHA (at least two of us idk 8'D) I appreciate your humor, your skills, and you as a person. Your family is awesome too 8D So thank you for being in MB, and I hope that things go well for you. Whatever you do, as long as you're happy, go for it. I hope that you won't do something regretful that you'll lament about it in the future.

Testarossa. You're not in any bands or groups that I am in, because you really don't need it. You're like that accidental friend that I made over these few years and I really still am proud that I got to be your friend. I don't understand you or have a lot to say compared to all the other people up there, but I really do appreciate you because you're a very good friend that I sometimes can talk to. I hope that I can collab with you again in the future TAT

Florence. I have sooo many things I wanna say to you. If it's not because of you, I probably won't get my Treasure or some other friends and discover what I really need in life. This is something that you didn't exactly do it, but if it's not because of you, I can't connect these lines together at all.

And for the things that you actually do, I fucking thank you. Like, from the deepest in my heart. I'm so sorry for the things that didn't work out, and you're so talented that I felt like, tsk, what a waste if you don't have your stage. But with us? I really don't think it works. So I thank you for at least giving it a try, and allowing me to come connect back to you after a long period of... uh, disconnection. You also gave me the courage to go around and try to connect and have closures with different people.

I think it's important to do that, and you made me realize it.

Even if we can't be friends now, you're always being appreciated for appearing at that time in my life.

I mean, the other friends, not you. I still want you to be my friend thanks D8 No one can talk about fictions and creating stories and plotlines like you do >A< You're still an important friend to me ok?

There's also Cinderella and Nico but uh, tbh I don't really know what to say aside from thank you for being my friend during those 2 years. But srsly, I prefer my own group of friends now. I hope you do your best things, perform best, and continue to thrive. You have potentials, and I hope that won't go to a waste.

There's also like so many people that gave me a chance to shine, like Rice cuz she paid me to compose for her. That was great, but the end result isn't to my liking. I'm sorry that I can't do more, and I think I should invest more on this if I want this to work out :/ Thank you for still connected to me (even though not much) and willing to drink tea with me <3 I hope I can continue to make albums for you, cuz your band is amazing and I really do admire you personally TAT

Easy, too, I'm grateful to him. He's like the other Tree, but at least I know that he's trying his best not to disappoint and improving. But he's still a dude, a young dude to be exact, and he's not mature enough to know which jokes are not meant to be said out yet. Still, I'm grateful for him for giving me a chance to collab with bands as a... uh, drum transcriber uvu

Miss 2 is very important too, because she gave me a chance to collab and shine (even for a while) as a vocalist. I'm really happy to work with her, but I feel so sorry for not being able to be productive, not enough to get to THAT POINT. Maybe she's like that too??? I don't know??? But hey, still, thank you for the chance and sorry for the latency 8'D

Are there more out there that I want to thank? Maybe, but for now, I don't think so? I think I tried to thank the people that I wanna thank like, that's all, I think.

OHWAIT. Amaterasu~ Yes. I saved her for last and then I nearly forgot to write it down omg X'D So... I knew you through Florence, and we became fast friends after that. When Florence spoke badly about you, I was almost convinced but then I'm like, hey, isn't that's her own high expectations??? And we have no issues with each other, aside from the fact that (I'm very sorry about this) you do not sing as well as you thought and I can't really help you out nor point it out cuz I was too scared that I'll chase another friend away.

Also, it's been a looong long time since we managed to speak and tbh I... I forgot why we didn't speak but the connection between us always seemed to be on and off and on and off but, to be frank? I like how we're still able to connect even though there's always this "off periods", like, you're always that good friend that I can always go back to. You'll always understand the things that I'm talking about, but it gets exasperating (like how you do to me ;D) at times so I'm like, back off to recharge. The energy level that I require to talk to you is always very high idk why-

Thank you for being with me during 2015, to duet with me and mark the start of my journey as a performer. If there's no you, there's no me on the stage as a singer. If there's no you being there to appreciate my works, I'd feel so dejected and not do anything at all. Thank you for being that supportive friend.

I like that you're trying new things, and finding the CORRECT ONE for you. I'm proud of your efforts, and I really wanna see it work. Here, to hope that you find happiness and be proud of it.

OK THAT BE ALL I THINK. I REALLY DUNNO ANYONE ELSE DESERVE A SPOT IN THIS POST. MAYBE THERE ARE AND I MIGHT EDIT BUT HEY NOW, THAT'S IT.

PS: So far I PM'ed Amaterasu, Pens, RLC, and Keyboard. I haven't PM'ed Florence and Criminal yet. Do I need to? Aiya after these lah uvu I need to PM my MB members too, or not. Ugh, so lazy orz But hey, at least I talked to them in a collective generalized thanks. And I thanked Riida already. Oklah. _(:3

[To My Treasure]

Yiiiiy finally <3 My bb <3

I'm actually quite sad that you don't share my passion for RPing, because I live with that hobby for the longest of my life. I'm sad that I have to find someone else to fill up that gap within me, though... come to think about it, I don't even have the time for it. I'd rather spend time with you than find people to RP with me.

Aside from that though, like that smol regret, and you know about it... there's really nothing else that I really felt sad about? Like, overall you made me happy. We would discuss everything out, even though initially it's hurting the both of us, but in the end we solved it and everyone is happy. Or at least, we knew that each other knew about it, we would respect our different opinions about it. We won't shy away from talking about things that we think the other party probably wouldn't accept it. This is good for both of us. I wish that we can continue on this way.

Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for appearing and appreciating me when the others don't, or never once showed. I appreciate you always appreciating me and supporting me, even though I don't really do much that would make you proud (in my opinion - it may differ in you opinion LOL). Sometimes I think you overestimated me and put me on a pedestal, overglorifying my achievements while I really think that I'm just a nobody trying to survive in this harsh world that is unfair to artists in general. I'm so sorry that I can't give you more, but I promise to give you the BEST that I can ever give.

I hope that we can reach higher levels, in terms of performance and health. Wealth... uh, we're bound to be broke cuz one day we'll probably be buying houses together, and that'll kill off a huge amount that we have 8'D But hey, what is money without using it, right? ;D

[To 2020 Me]

I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but I sincerely hoped that everything goes well for you, you can stay healthier, you actually managed to slim down (I mean, we're all working hard for this so don't fuck up k? Don't fucking waste it. Complain later if shits failed and you got sick but now, just keep it up k?), and you're still happily in love plus living well with Treasure.

I hope you even got a HOUSE to stay with Treasure yo! 8D

That's like, my greatest dream right now. I hope it happens. Even if it's not in 2020, it'll be one day in the future.

I Just Graduated!

Insert: My 5-Star Playlist of Greatness <3

Omedetou to myself 8'DDD

I dunno why I decided to write something here today buuuuuuuut here I am XD

Well, I have no ideas what to write here...
Or rather, how to really start...

Well.

Many, many things have happened.

I laughed. I cried. I'm hurt. I'd hurt. I rose. I fallen.

I...

Suddenly that one big obstacle just disappeared in my life and I don't really know what to do next.

People told me that I should rest, but what should I do while I'm resting?
How long should I rest?
I have been resting, and it's been quite a long while.

Well, at least, right now, I'm able to play, to have fun, and to enjoy my life and catch up with whatever that I couldn't before... which is a lie, 'cause, I CAN always enjoy them and do what I want to do at the same time. I procrastinated - even my own enjoyment. It was funny, even until now. It's not like I don't have the time, it's more like, I don't feel like doing it.

But one thing that I really want to do, and I didn't got the time to do, was to listen to songs.
New and old.
Good and bads... actually the bads can go one side but, I always have this thing about "potential songs" and how to make them better.

Hmm.

Maybe I can try rearranging them? 0w0

Yeah. I could add that to my list of things that I want to do. Kek.

= = =

Aside from that, what else I want to do?
A lot, actually, that it peaks at 11 major things that I wanna do - that I've been wanting to do.

Funny thing is, I don't know how to feel about gaming anymore.

Sure, leveling up my Disgaea characters have been a thing... but after 2 hours of doing the same thing? Nah. =v=

What about Dragon Nest? I shrugs, because I don't really feel like looking at the lagging screen and fighting... the same bosses. I can read up their plots in wikias too so... doesn't really matter to me anymore, about everything. One thing that I used to take enjoyment was about earning money. When it's NOT about earning money, I'm not quite sure what I really want to do in Dragon Nest. Quite odd, this is. :/

What about the rest of the games that I left behind? That I didn't get to finish them? Well, Mass Effect 2... I'm actually stuck at one of that super difficult mission that I just went and "nah, not gonna do this =v=;;;" I mean, I'm too tired to continue that, tho I want to finish that and move onto ME3 OTL|||

I'm still waiting for Legacy of the Void to come out tho. And Dungeon Keeper THE NEW VERSION which I forgot its name OTL||| I've always loved strategy games, and it's been quite challenging sometimes. Hahahahahahahaahah whatamIdoingwithmylife. OTL||| I can strategy here but I don't like strategy-ing in real life @w@

What other games? RPGs take too much of my time to level up so I actually don't prefer them anymore... =v= I mean, graphics, sounds, etc. are nice and all but, I prefer to "play games" that are more "free"... like, whatever you can do with RPing, y'know? That's another kind of "game" for me but... I can't really continue with my community anymore *sigh* I just hoped that I can get another free place to start everything over and shit. =v=;;;

Oh well. OTL|||

MaybeIshouldgoback.

= = =

Gamings aside, I've been wanting to draw 0v0

But. My inspirations are hitting the ground and I have no idea where to start with OTL|||

Then I wanted to write as well.

Maybe I should restart my "Kagura" Project (yes, it's now an independent series 'cause I think using DMC as its title name is kind of weird... don'tcha think? =v=;;;)

And all the other one-shots about Yuri and stuffs... hmmm. But not much things came out from this brain for now. It wants to make music more than anything else *sigh*

I mean, sure, making music is great but, I want to go back to my previous hobbies and not just revolve around making music...

OR I can start making music until I'm bored with it THEN I can go back to my previous hobbies 8D

Yeah. That should do it. <3

Lemme just start rearranging all those bad shits MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *shot*

Ohandcoveringsongsweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 8'D

= = =

Exercising is a must. I need to diet and I need to stamina-gain. D<
I can't let everything to stay as it is OTL|||
Gotta go to those Idol things and score 'em =w=)b *shotshotshot* (where this confidence came from oi =A=;;;)

Also.

I want to get a girlfriend.

Goddammit I WANT A GIRLFRIEND D<

WHY THAT WOMAN HAS ONE AND I DON'T HAVE ANY.

Am I unattractive? *sigh*
I swear I have good looks oi :/
Am I being too confident about myself then? 8'D

Oh well.

In any ways, I need a new romance so that I can forget all those bad ones.
That I felt guilty about, that I felt miserable about. *sigh*

Gimme my chance oi. =A=
I'm not a bad person, I deserve at least something oi. =A=;;;

*sigh*

= = =

I couldn't forget all those things that I've done.
I couldn't forget all those emotions that I felt.
I couldn't forget all of those people's faces.

Seeing them being happy and I'm not distorts my heart as well.
Like, wtf?
I'm a better person than they are but I don't get this?
Then again...

I'm not.

I'm... a very pathetic person. =v=

Meh.

I don't deserve love probably OTL|||

Still, I'm quite envious of their relationships.

And when I think of my own, it does nothing but leaving me a battered heart and soul.

For years, and perhaps years to come...

Have nobody attempted to get to know the real me?
To get close to me?
Really?
Am I that bad a character?
Did I push them away unconsciously???

Or was it because of this particular woman that I'm still having feelings of?
That everybody just sort of thought that we're together?

WE'RE NOT DAMMIT.

SO HELP ME GET RID OF THIS FEELING ALREADY. D<

Goddammit OTL|||

= = =

And so, my life after graduation have just begun =v=

I hope that my future is gonna be brighter and I can find some lights...

Lights...

Hmmm.

Where?

Hopefully I can still go to Japan - not as a traveler, but as a student... as a worker...

I didn't forget the noble quest of mine - to learn, and to teach.

But can I do that?

Hmmmmmmm.

I need to get a teaching cert too. Meh :/

Ohwell. <w< >w>

Thoughts. Thoughts. Thoughts...

Insert: Uso no Koi

以前的我可能太过于大胆，什么都敢做。
想着，反正这个地方呆不长久，得罪了人可以逃之夭夭，不理不睬。

现在反而羞愧了起来，学到了很多事情，不敢再以自己觉得无所谓的方式去实行很多东西。

但是，有些事情依然不平衡。

所以每一次都让自己觉得“可能这是我前世欠他的“。这样想，有时候觉得什么不平衡的东西都能行得通。但是理性的脑袋依然要想：这样对自己公平吗？自己不会像个白痴一样吗？

说是这么说，我依然不敢去索取我真正想要的平衡。这样反而觉得自己太自私。所以每一次只是嘴巴上讲讲，随兴地倾诉/埋怨心理的不平衡，然后就算了。有时还会记得，但也只能等着时间把它给冲淡，化为无。

想要去索求，不敢去追求，索性地漂流。。。

脑海里的声音，依然轻声地问着：这样子，好吗？


这样子，真的好吗？

= = =

喜欢看着你的背影，慢慢离我而去。
喜欢看着你的手指，纤细又强硬。
喜欢看着你的头发，深黑的魅力。

无可否认，这无法自拔的感情。

笑而不语，在背后默默的付出。
不说不提，对于你的感情。
谈笑风生，与你像哥儿们地相处。

但毕竟自己是个大人，有时会还是有冲动。
可以控制；难以控制。
这样可以持续到何时?

想对你索取，但对你公平吗？

不公平。不公平。

不公平的是自己，还是你？

= = =

Chinese is really an amazing language.
It's simply just beautify every single thoughts in your mind.
Everything seemed very deep after the right usage of the language.

Then again, perhaps all languages are the same.

Still, I find Chinese very beautiful, but really hard to grasp.
To learn different types and ways to talk about the same one thing is simply difficult to understand.

Deep. Very deep indeed.

= = =

过了很久，还是觉得很对不起你。
夺走了你最重要的东西。

但是，我无法同情你。

是你自己无法明白道理。
是你自己无法明白事理。
你把罪推到我身上来，我不是不知道，我只是不理。
我甚至什么都不想说，也不想再贬低你。
但是当其他人说了，已经不关系到自己。

好好的去想吧，好好的往前走吧。
只要你一天还停留在这个圈圈，无论如何你是无法得到你要的东西。
你只会失去更多贵重的东西。
我没有和你抢过什么，也没有亲自去夺走你之后的什么。
你怎么认为我的为人，其他人是怎样的为人，也就只有你自己能够去明白。
是真是假，是对是否，没有人能够对你说。
只有你自己才能去找到答案。

好好地去想吧。
别再回来这个不属于你的框框了。
我已经决定要走了，你一个人还待在那儿吗？

去造新的框框吧。

= = =

I have hurt a lot of people.
Even thought I did not cause bloodshed, I felt as if my hands are filled with blood.
The scars that I inflicted on people, they are as if having knives cutting through their throats.

Yet I tried to redeem myself - it's a failure, I can see that.
Did I stop trying? Maybe.
But I can't.

For I have hurt so many people, I will hurt myself in return.
If this is redemption, then so be it.

If I can't take it, who else will?

Many Things Have Happened...

Insert: REAL (feat. Cyua)

Many things happened.

I couldn't even put them into words anymore.

The stories are just too long for me to even put it in a single post.

I've been constantly updating my own FB status that I don't feel a need to vent in this place anymore...

...but it's not really that, I guess.

I've made all my problems as general as they are, not turning my fingers onto anyone specific. It's not that I want to keep them a secret, it's more like... I don't want to hurt anybody in specific, or make myself a target for them to hate on.

But guess what? It doesn't work if that's the case, 'cause there will still be people venting about me. *snickers*

I wanted them - all those that read the statuses - to realize their problems and actually KNOW when to not cross my line... but all they do were just "Was it me? Speak it already!"

Pffft.

If you THINK it's you (even though sometimes it's not you, or anyone at all), then CHANGE already. CHANGE so that I don't HATE you.

But no, people decided to go ask questions instead of changing for the better. -sigh-

Well, that's that. What's done is done. I cannot ask for more, don't I? *shrugs*

= = =

Many things happened, as so I've said.

My feelings never changed towards everything around me.

My love for a certain one.

My hatred for a certain place.

My dream to a certain place.

My hope to a certain group of people.

Never changed.

And so was the disappointments.

I thought I got over them already, but it never did.

I thought I can get over with my feelings, but it just keep on creeping back into me.

So one day, I decided...

I gave up on giving up on my feelings.

I shall embrace them, and let them to merge with me.

I will not let them advance, but I can't force them out.

So I'll wait, until one day... something change.

I will face all of them, but I won't actively face all of them.

I'll face them when it comes.

But for now, let them sleep. Let them hide beneath this mask.

Let me continue this facade a little longer.

Let me out of trouble a little longer.

Let me enjoy this... a little longer.

= = = = = = = = = =

I have confessions to make. In fact, I have a lot.

1. I would be glad to harbor your hatred onto me. I will not escape, and I will not let your hatred to land on any of my cared ones.

2. I am not as confident as you may think I am. I may boast about my abilities, but I never thought that they can get to somewhere far in reality.

3. I may be brave, but in reality, I would rather run away than to face them.

4. I do not fear death, but I fear meaningless death... like, car accidents that happens because I'm careless and it should not happen.

5. I am... some sort of a mental-masochist. While I do not enjoy pain to my physical body, I am able to embrace pain to my inner heart. Not by insulting me, but by agonizing me. Not by disgusting me, but by saddening me. It's like, I would enjoy sad endings, even though I prefer happy endings... but it's the sadness that is beautiful. That kind.

6. I am callous. I do not care about people. Yet I empathize with people. I understand their pain and I would cry in their stead. It was the weirdest clash within me, and I do not understand which part of it is real.

7. I am scared of myself. I am scared of myself being able to hurt the others. I am scared when I hurt the others. I am scared when I induced fear onto innocent children. It happened once, and it never happen again.

8. I am a twisted kind of person. It's not the fact like people like gore and like killing, it's the kind of mindset that I have. In front of people I'm a saint, behind the people I'm a devil. I wished for world's peace, and yet I do not care when a person die. I'm a hypocrite, yet I am not one. If I have to reason this out, it's because it's the nature, the karma, and the cycle of life that all of these happened. However, war and pollution should not happen. It is not part of the karma - rather, it's people building bad karma with war and pollution, therefore increasing their length of payment before they can even pay. Therefore I do not believe in war, but I'm ok with people dying because that's their payment.

9. I love to justify one thing - in fact, I justifies EVERYTHING that I can. About myself, about my own reasoning, about one person's faults, about why a person does this and that, about why a person commits crime... etc. I try to find the good points of everyone before I find/talk about the bad ones.

10. Yet, I resort to complain about every single bad things I come across after that. I guess I'm no different than those people that I am disgusted on, for I am disgusted of my own self.

11. I never felt the right to complain, and I have always been suppressing my own negative thoughts. I have always thought that there's people that's worse than my own experiences, therefore I shouldn't complain... but it pains me to suppress all these things. It hurts. Yet I couldn't find a soul to complain to, because my problem, as to compared to theirs, are worthless. Therefore even when I'm complaining, I'm suppressing. Because I'm not the worst. Just because of that. And it really hurts.

12. My own agony came from how good and how well my family was. Just because of that, I have to compel with their rules, because "I should have nothing to complain of" from this kind of family and upbringing. Yet, this is the root of my agony. I seemed to have freedom, but the chain came from where "I cannot complain anything at all"... and this chain is my family indeed.

13. I tend to forget my troubles after I speak about them - in any platforms at all. Therefore I rarely blog anymore, because I forgot all of them. Yet, there are stuffs that I can never tell anyone, and they're still here, within me. That's why I typed this post out, so that I can finally put them into rest. Heh.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

One last thing before I really went to my slumber, was that...

I love you.

I really do love you.

Even though you're a fabricated fantasy of mine, or anyone who will probably not grow into my kind of fantasy...

I love you.

Because of you I managed to feel the sweetness that I couldn't feel from anyone else, and the kindness that I couldn't feel from anyone else...

I guess I never loved anyone else except for you.

You are  the unrequited love that I've been aching my heart at, and the beauty that I've always been looking at.

Nobody else can take over your position.

I've tried not to think of you when I really get a lover, but I guess that's what stopped me from moving on.

The shapeshifter in my mind, I love you.

But you are not real, therefore I cannot love you even though I really do.

Heh.

But otherwise... I love you.

The real one.

That will never return my feelings as I harbor for you.

Heh. Heheheh. Heh.

I am so twisted.

I Have Something to Tell You...

Insert: Hajimete no Koi ga Owaru Toki (Choucho cover)

Ok. I've think all over and I know what's the reason for telling you all of that.

I've been thinking, that, the letter has been tying you down... maybe.
'cause, I asked, for you not to, erm, leave? Something like that?
But... you know what?

It's actually harder for me to cope with it.

Sure, you've been a great friend but...

My feelings just can't be stopped and I have no idea why.

That's why sometimes I'm very cold to you, or very... I don't know, sarcastic?

I'm trying not to show what I really feel, 'cause it might really... uh, disgust you, maybe.
Or creep you out.

I mean, I really... do...

Then again, I tried myself not to, and something just conflicted within myself.
So.
Things just happened, and I... I just hurt you more and does more than I wished.
So...

So I'm asking you, again, that you would... disregard everything that's in that letter.
'cause I truly regret in writing those words down.

I do not want you to be tied down because of those words.
And if you really do want to leave, please... just... yeah.

You don't need to care about how I feel, 'cause it's actually easier for me to cope with it.

Maybe I'll ask "why don't you care?!" but after some while, I might feel better.
It's bitter, but it's better this way.

After all, I'm more used to this than being used to the uncertainties that would happen.

My feelings, I will keep to myself.
I'll contain them with whatever I could, and perhaps no one can change how I feel.

But...

I hope that you keep true to your own, and ask yourself... think...

If...

If you...

If you do care for me as just a friend would do...

Then...

"Deatta, yokatta... Kimi ga... suki..."

*smiles*

I guess, that's rare enough XDDD

Maa maa maa, I've been thinking too much. Sorry HAHAHA XD

And, after all, I don't think there's a need for me to be around anymore.
It's fine for me to leave this place as soon as possible. =3
There's nothing else that I should be concerned about in this place...

= = =

*cough* I'm not even sure if I have the courage to let you read this *LAUGHS*

After all, you're a super sensitive fox. =v=;;;

Wordless Bitterness

Insert: Going Under (by Evanescence)

You.

You do NOT trust me.

You do NOT trust my judgment.

You do NOT trust my judgment and my words.

I have explained, and yet you do not understand.

Which part of my English do you not understand?
Which part of "this is not aimed at you" do you not understand?

Yes, I do meant to shoot you - I really do.
But this one is clearly not about you.

You felt it, because I've told you.
I've told you, in a different platform.
I've told you, in a different way.
I've told you, that this is in a whole entirely different situation.

Though similar, it's DIFFERENT.

DIFFERENT.

Yes, you're hurt.
Maybe I am sorry, but I will not take back my words.

Because I am true to my own statement.

Still, it hurts and frustrates me that you do not understand.

*takes a deep breath, and sighs*

Never mind.

Perhaps the next time, I'll keep everything to myself.
Maybe in that way, you will not get hurt any longer.

= = = = = = = = = = =

[ In A General View ]

You see, this is why previous/current relationships failed, including family and friends.

Because often, the truths are... hurtful.

But if you can get through that, maybe things will get better.
If you can actually take my words, digest the bitterness, you might find that it's good for you.
And you will change for the better.

= = = = = = = = = = =

[ As An Entertainer/Audience ]

I might not be able to live up to my own expectation, but I certainly hoped the others could.

It's my own selfishness to want the others to advance and give me a better entertainment - for I am the ultimate audience of the whole show.

I want: The best show in the world.

That's why I give critics, in hopes of making the whole quality better for people to enjoy.
Who cares if I can advance or not - I want to be an audience.

An audience that knows what I myself want and in the best shape ever.

= = = = = = = = = = =

[ In the end... ]

So yeah. If you can take my words and transform it as a Skill +1, it'll be great for everyone.

If you can't, then... I shall not speak anymore, if you do not wished for it.

I shall keep it, and be bitter about it forever, by myself.



For I know that there's a way to make it better, but no one wants to listen to it.

想幸福的人

Insert: 想幸福的人 (by Rainie Yang)

“心裡的烏雲
眼角的祕密
來不及燃燒的感情
被流言給吹熄
轉身回到孤寂“

目前为止，我还没有有过这样的遭遇。。。
但是，很多人都很在意可能会有这样的遭遇，
封闭了自己。
封闭了幸福。

“生活的叢林
堅強的遊戲
在白天掏空了勇氣
在黑夜剩不平
不懂錯在哪裡“

的确，有时候真的觉得很无奈，不知所措。
也知道自己应该什么都不要做，会比较好。
但是，我终究很在意，很想做些什么。

“我不過是一個很想幸福的人
為什麼遇不到會生根的緣分
學著戒掉悲觀 負我的都不恨
讓心靈完整 美麗動人

還是一個人“

那一句“还是一个人”真得很贴切。
做了这么多，放下了许多，
终究还是不能找到一个真正的那一个，
爱自己的那一个。

也许是因为悲观是戒不了的吧。

“生活的叢林
堅強的遊戲
在白天掏空了勇氣
在黑夜剩不平
不懂錯在哪裡“

这一句话被重复得有重量。
过了这么多关卡，
用尽了许多的心身力，
还是得不到预期中的宝藏。

到底做错了什么？
没人知道。

“寂寞的當一個很想幸福的人
等待著一顆心接受我的坦誠“

明白自己从未对自己坦诚，
也明白有些事情不好坦诚。
但是还是很想找到一个完全理解我的人，

理解我的不坦诚，也理解我的内心最想要的，
能够逼我坦诚，比我坦诚，也能接受我的坦诚。

“懂得愛甜蜜中有苦澀的成分
會和我爭論 愛卻不磨損
沒有不信任“

我喜欢争论，有道理的争论，
因为这是互相交换想法而更接近一步理解对方的一个步骤。
但是，如那歌词所说的，爱不能够磨损。

如果我安静下来了，再也不说什么了，厌倦了，
那么，可能我不能够接受你那幼稚的想法，又或者它太偏激了，
又或者你根本没有站在别人的角度去思考一下，
反复的强调你才是对的。。。

我不能够平衡。

“我相信 當一個很想幸福的人
也必須是能夠讓人幸福的人
我不怕去付出 也肯承擔責任“

想付出，不能付出。
付出太多，可能会被厌烦。
付出太少，反而对自己不忠。

自己到底有没有这个资格，去付出？
人们能不能够接受到我赤裸裸的诚恳？

“溫暖的誠懇 溫柔的迷人
誰是那個人 能讓我沸騰“

我也许找到了，但是我能沸腾吗？
还是我又必须压抑着自己的情感，过这一段时间呢？
又再次当作无所谓，逼着自己把情感迁移他人或物？

“想幸福的人”

对，我只不过是想当个幸福的人。
但是，凡事都只能“想“而已。

很多人说，不要只是想，要去做。
你不做，愿望达成哪儿来？

如果只因为我的幸福而去害了他人，
这样的结果，不是我想要的。

我学会了，我遗憾了，我也懊恼了。

也从中，更加明白幸福是很难得到的，
不是说找到一个爱你的人就可以了。

我应该早一点理解这一个事实。

果然，有些事情，还真的只能够“想“，而不能去做。