Insert: Kyoukara Omoide (by Aimer)
It'll... never be fine. Each time the rift started, it got worse and worse. Nothing's probably able to heal this unless I let this shit go away.
And how to let it go away? I have totally no idea.
We don't like it - nobody likes it. It hurts people and it hurts me.
That's why I choose to destroy... but apparently someone from Neutral Good came and stop me from causing more destruction.
It's not that whatever she said don't make sense, or I don't understand, alright?
I understand, ALL of them, but I still don't... get it.
Like.
I get it logically, but this ain't something you can simply sing a four minutes of "Let It Go" and everything will became magically beautiful and you just happened to become a powerful queen.
It's... not like that.
You understand the concept, you understand the theory, but to do it practically, it's a totally different thing.
I can't seemed to get it.
I can't seemed to do it.
But this is even worse: I don't even know what's the first step. I only know everything in the middle but I'm... probably not willing to take the first step. Am I afraid of letting it go? Why am I afraid? These are probably the questions that only I can answer... but if not, then what? What's the thing that's shackling me? What's the thing that made me have to continue it no matter what?
WHY this thing had to keep on bothering me?
Perhaps it's a curse since I've hurt many other people, that I'll forever be tormented by this shit... but nothing last forever, alright? She gave me an advice on it, but then what? Was it that I don't want to take it? No, it's that I've already KNEW what's the advice going to be... and I can't take it. My hand went over but it burn it away because I KNOW that I can't do it.
Hence... I'll hide behind the books.
I don't care, alright? I'm a coward, alright? I don't want to face it, I just want to forget about it. So the EASIEST WAY is to not see each other and not see whatever. But that's gonna hurt the other person BUT THEN WHAT?!
WHAT CAN I DO???
I can't... do anything.
I have no solution for this.
You think I don't want this to be over? How many times did I try to convince myself that yes I let it go but NO. NO. IT DOESN'T. FOR SOME REASON IT DOESN'T AND IT JUST KEPT ON COMING BACK WITHOUT A REASON THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND.
I tried making new friends - that didn't work.
I tried to be cynical - that didn't work too.
I tried so hard but everywhere I go I can't shrug off the fact that THAT'S THE THING THAT I WANTED FOR SO LONG but I can NEVER get my hands on it.
That's how it is.
That's why I don't want to see it.
Now what if I continue this, huh? What if?
We'll just be getting hurt again and again and again and again and there's NO SOLUTION.
NO.
BECAUSE I CAN'T.
I FUCKING CAN'T.
I'M A FUCKING CUNT THAT CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS.
I'm crying so bad that I have no idea how to deal with this whole shit and DO YOU THINK I WANT IT?
No.
I don't want it.
Maybe my body likes it but I personally don't.
It makes me so fucking weak.
I can't show this face to ANYONE alright?
So I'm gonna hurt everything at once and just disappear from this place like how I used to. Like how it SHOULD be. I'll escape from everything.
But it won't change the fact that it happened, obviously.
Or we can choose to ignore it. And then let it happened again THEN ignore it again. Again and again. What good it makes? None.
None, I tell you.
None.
But hey, think of it. If I destroy everything beyond repair, you can always create a new one right? Just not with this pile of junk anymore, right? STOP REPAIRING IT. JUST LET IT DIE. WHY ARE YOU REPAIRING IT?!
WHY ARE YOU TRYING SO HARD TO REPAIR IT???
Like what happened to the previous 2 - just abandon me already. Just kill me already. Just let me find something else, someone else, that won't hurt me and I won't hurt them. Gimme something that I could trust, gimme something that I know it'll somehow work and last - even for a while. At least then the strained feelings will be "faded away", and I could always find a new one.
NOT LIKE THIS.
NOT FOR YOU TRYING TO REPAIR WHATEVER'S LEFT OF THIS FUCKING SHIT.
IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT, ALRIGHT?!
IT DOESN'T.
What do I want? I want love. Love that you can NEVER give it to me.
But what's the most important thing? I want companionship and understanding, something we thought we can give to each other, but no...
We can't.
You're the one that seemed like you only want something funny and something happy, and that's... all you want. You can just let go of everything bad so... easily, and that seemed like the only thing that you've done. Maybe I'm hard to please maybe I'm stupid maybe I just don't understand what's good that you're trying to give to me because I don't want it. Not that. I'm picky. I'm childish. Whatever you want to call me alright? Whatever.
I just can't bothered to care about it anymore.
We don't... understand each other.
We don't.
We thought we do, but we don't. Really.
You thought that's what I would've want, and I thought that's what you would've wanted too. We can't give each other what we both really want, honestly.
And what I want? You will never know.
Because I won't want anything from you anymore.
It's damn... tiring.
I really... really... just want to let go.
Somehow, deep inside, I wished that I never knew you.
I wished that you never existed in the first place.
I wished that you never entered my life in the first place.
Because if it's going to be this painful, then why should I want all of these in the first place?
This is not some stupid melodrama of something like "I like you you like me we're happy family the end" cuz that's not how life works.
I'm envious of those that could find their dream partner.
No. I'm envious of those who could actually date someone, then let go of that same someone because they finally realized that it's not gonna work, they're better off being friends, and their patience with each other have already ran out and stuffs.
It makes giving up so fucking easy.
It makes letting go so fucking easy.
It makes disappearing so fucking easy too.
But no. We decided to become friends! I've fall for you, you didn't like me back the same way, but you like me a whole lot as a friend. If that's not torturing, I don't know what is man.
I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of keeping up promises that seemed to torture us even further. I'm tired of arguing and trying to prove each other right and wrong. I'm tired of having to clash our opinions on so many ways that I cannot admit that I disliked that part of you and yet I couldn't say it out because it's unfair to you. I'm tired of having to clarify myself each time this happened. I'm tired to talking to you about these kind of things. I'm tired of finding happiness from you. I'm tired of being unfair to both of us because of all these little things that we just couldn't solve-
I'm tired.
So tired.
Of having the need to pretend that nothing happened, everything will go right, and none of the things can matter to us if we turn a blind eye over it.
It... doesn't work this way, alright?
Like you said, it's bound to happen again, too.
Our opinions will once clash, we will became strangers with each other once again, and we will have weird arguments that're based on misunderstanding and miscommunication.
And then? Are we gonna solve it and try to repair it again?
Let me tell you something: Some of the things, no matter how much you have repaired it, it's still there. Even though physically you did not abandon me in the end, verbally you already have. It cuts deep. And I know the same thing happened to you too - even though it's the other way round or something.
It's just so unfair whatever all of these just happened, alright?
It's none of our faults. We're just hoping for another's good. We don't tell each other our good wills. We just forced whatever we thought that's good for each other.
I had enough.
It's so... unfair to each other.
So unfair.
*sigh*
I post this here, hoping that you will not see it.
Hoping that you're not that daring enough to search until this extend.
Hoping that nobody showed you this.
Hoping that none of this is known to you because it'll hurt you (probably; idk)...
...but what if this is what we need?
I don't know. Let fate decide what'll happen.
I'm too tired to care about all of these.
Too tired to smile with you.
Too tired.
To do.
Anything.
I have no solutions to everything anyway *laughs*
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
What is "peace", actually?
Insert: AlieZ (Aldnoah Zero ED)
What is humans?
Why is it humans?
Why NOT humans?
There are so many questions regarding humans, compare to the other creatures in this planet called earth.
Why were the humans the ones with intelligence? Capable of creating a civilization, capable of discovering new technologies?
Why is it also humans the ones with moralities? Capable of differentiating what's right and what's wrong, capable of judging another person?
Why do humans fear another human, until the point where they want to destroy another's civilization, cultures, and technologies?
What makes the humans think that they're the top of the world? The ones who ruled the other creatures, and make them submit to them? What exactly makes them different from beasts, who also lived in the world of "Survive of the Fittest"?
Who created currencies? What's the use of currencies? Why not reviving the barter system, that we exchange things that the other people need, instead of basing everything upon money? Then again, another kind of greed will surface... right?
But what happened to compassion? What happened to morality? Who's the first one who decided that it's alright to bang any woman to reproduce? And who's the first one who decided that it's NOT ALRIGHT to rape women? Why that happened? Why did the morality changed? Why they judge differently from countries to countries? Why some view it shame, and some view it proud?
What really made us different from animals?
Honestly, I don't think so. Animals are part of nature - looking at them, you can think of us. If it was the lions who gained intelligence instead, wouldn't they one day became... like us? Having to know what's morality, having to know how to judge another? Like Zootopia - that's a world where all animals gained their intelligence. Was it so different from our current world? They have people of all races, all sizes, all kind of thoughts...
Stereotyping wasn't the only thing that could happen to humans.
Now, what is world peace?
No wars? No combats? No battles? No bloodshed?
What about mental battles?
Winning/Losing an argument? Backstabbing? Blackmails?
Those have nothing to do with bloodshed, but was it peaceful enough?
Was "no fighting" the only peace that we're looking for?
What about "economy" battles?
The winners will be rich, the losers will be poor... and soon be kicked out of their normal lives and have to live miserably.
Was that part of "peace" as well?
What is peace, actually?
= = = = = = = = = =
I don't like mind games, yet I can't get away from it.
People will hurt from mind games, no matter how much they thought that "being on the line between yes and no will be the least hurtful".
I'll tell you fucking WHAT.
Telling the truth is hurtful - yes - but it CAN make a person to improve!
Telling lies... and then what? Give that to a person that thinks a lot, what do you think can happen? They will believe you? Or they will think about worse things behind your words?
You guys... don't get it at all.
I don't get it either.
Why does humans LOVE to be dishonest with their actual thoughts?
Why do they like to make fun of another person?
Why they do this?
I just... *sigh*
Wtf humans :/
= = = = = = = = = =
Then again, no matter how much I came to find humans are supposed to be hated...
I still can't understand how does "animal lovers" think.
Yes, they're always honest - sure, whatever - but wtf are you getting fired up about dogs getting eaten and fucking beaten?
What about those humans that got eaten and fucking beaten, too?
Because dogs are loyal to humans? If so, WHY are they fucking loyal to humans? Not other animals? Was it because they're plainly stupid? Like, why the fuck dogs love humans so much I don't get it.
Humans were the ones who betrayed their loyalties as well. So why the fuck dogs were still loyal to humans? Was it because that's their... jobs, destiny, or whatnot? Or was that karma? To repay "your kindness"? Or to repay their sins?
*shrugs*
And cats too. If you fucking want to stop dogs from being eaten, please stop humans to eat other living creatures as well. Why only dogs? Why not snakes too? Why not deers? Why do you still want to hunt down deers for fucking placentas?
Why the fuck only dogs?!
WHY ONLY COMPASSIONATE FOR FUCKING DOGS?!
WHY NOT FUCKING DEERS?! TREES?! SNAKES?! BEARS?! COWS?! OTHER BEINGS?!
What's your fucking REASON?
"Dogs are the companions of humans" HOW DO YOU KNOW?!
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF DOGS WILL NEVER HURT HUMANS?!
And how do you know if a monkey will? Or a cat will? Or a bear, a snake, a deer, a COW?
WHAT HAS DEERS AND COWS DONE TO YOU GUYS?!
WHY CAN'T THEY BE FORGIVEN AS DOGS?!
Haven't the cows supply you with milks? Haven't the chickens supply you with eggs?
WHY EAT THEM?!
"Because they're delicious" THEN WHY NOT DOGS?!
Because they're the most popular pets?
What about hamsters? Rabbits? Horse? Cats?
There's no such thing as "fairness" in the world of humans, and their moralities.
Of course, there's no way that everyone will feel the same way as another does.
But I must say - the reason why dogs were so being protected is because they're MOSTLY the pets of other people. Then I ask you dogmeat sellers...
Why the fuck do you think that taking another person's child (pet) without permission is allowed? Summore you EAT THEM.
Now think about your CHILDREN holyshit.
YOUR OWN FUCKING CHILDREN.
OI. IF SOMEBODY CAME RAMMING INTO YOUR HOUSE AND TAKE YOUR CHILDREN TO KILL or worse: MAKAN - HOW?!
You can't say "IT'S A HUMAN. IT'S DIFFERENT" well what the fuck is different?
Both are each other's TREASURES. You STEAL another's treasure... and ATE THEM.
Tell me what the fuck's different?
There are dogs that lived happily, with great masters.
There are dogs that lived poorly, with bastards.
What's different from humans, then?
There are humans that lived happily, with loving friends, families, and great chances.
There are humans that lived poorly, with fake friends, hateful families, and horrible chances.
There are dogs who can be loyal to humans, and we put them into the limelight.
But there are also humans who can be loyal to ANOTHER human as well... we just treat that as "it should have been like this".
If you want like, TOTAL FAIRNESS, please don't just say no to ONLY dogmeats. Say no to other-meats, too.
ESPECIALLY SHARKS.
SHARKS EAT HUMANS - YES - BUT YOU HUNT MORE SHARKS THAN SHARKS HUNT FOR HUMANS. FOOLS.
YOU FOOLS.
AND TIGERS.
Tigers eat humans YES BUT YOU FUCKING HUNT THEM MORE THAN THEY HUNT YOU.
Then there's rhinos.
WTF RHINOS DONE TO YOU?! BECAUSE THEIR HORNS ARE BEAUTIFUL!? THAT'S ALL?! THAT'S WHY YOU DO THAT?! WTF HUMANS.
Yeah. "Survival of the fittest".
I really don't see a difference of humans and animals. Really.
Except for intelligence, I really don't see any.
We're all fucking animals. :/
Deal with it.
What is humans?
Why is it humans?
Why NOT humans?
There are so many questions regarding humans, compare to the other creatures in this planet called earth.
Why were the humans the ones with intelligence? Capable of creating a civilization, capable of discovering new technologies?
Why is it also humans the ones with moralities? Capable of differentiating what's right and what's wrong, capable of judging another person?
Why do humans fear another human, until the point where they want to destroy another's civilization, cultures, and technologies?
What makes the humans think that they're the top of the world? The ones who ruled the other creatures, and make them submit to them? What exactly makes them different from beasts, who also lived in the world of "Survive of the Fittest"?
Who created currencies? What's the use of currencies? Why not reviving the barter system, that we exchange things that the other people need, instead of basing everything upon money? Then again, another kind of greed will surface... right?
But what happened to compassion? What happened to morality? Who's the first one who decided that it's alright to bang any woman to reproduce? And who's the first one who decided that it's NOT ALRIGHT to rape women? Why that happened? Why did the morality changed? Why they judge differently from countries to countries? Why some view it shame, and some view it proud?
What really made us different from animals?
Honestly, I don't think so. Animals are part of nature - looking at them, you can think of us. If it was the lions who gained intelligence instead, wouldn't they one day became... like us? Having to know what's morality, having to know how to judge another? Like Zootopia - that's a world where all animals gained their intelligence. Was it so different from our current world? They have people of all races, all sizes, all kind of thoughts...
Stereotyping wasn't the only thing that could happen to humans.
Now, what is world peace?
No wars? No combats? No battles? No bloodshed?
What about mental battles?
Winning/Losing an argument? Backstabbing? Blackmails?
Those have nothing to do with bloodshed, but was it peaceful enough?
Was "no fighting" the only peace that we're looking for?
What about "economy" battles?
The winners will be rich, the losers will be poor... and soon be kicked out of their normal lives and have to live miserably.
Was that part of "peace" as well?
What is peace, actually?
= = = = = = = = = =
I don't like mind games, yet I can't get away from it.
People will hurt from mind games, no matter how much they thought that "being on the line between yes and no will be the least hurtful".
I'll tell you fucking WHAT.
Telling the truth is hurtful - yes - but it CAN make a person to improve!
Telling lies... and then what? Give that to a person that thinks a lot, what do you think can happen? They will believe you? Or they will think about worse things behind your words?
You guys... don't get it at all.
I don't get it either.
Why does humans LOVE to be dishonest with their actual thoughts?
Why do they like to make fun of another person?
Why they do this?
I just... *sigh*
Wtf humans :/
= = = = = = = = = =
Then again, no matter how much I came to find humans are supposed to be hated...
I still can't understand how does "animal lovers" think.
Yes, they're always honest - sure, whatever - but wtf are you getting fired up about dogs getting eaten and fucking beaten?
What about those humans that got eaten and fucking beaten, too?
Because dogs are loyal to humans? If so, WHY are they fucking loyal to humans? Not other animals? Was it because they're plainly stupid? Like, why the fuck dogs love humans so much I don't get it.
Humans were the ones who betrayed their loyalties as well. So why the fuck dogs were still loyal to humans? Was it because that's their... jobs, destiny, or whatnot? Or was that karma? To repay "your kindness"? Or to repay their sins?
*shrugs*
And cats too. If you fucking want to stop dogs from being eaten, please stop humans to eat other living creatures as well. Why only dogs? Why not snakes too? Why not deers? Why do you still want to hunt down deers for fucking placentas?
Why the fuck only dogs?!
WHY ONLY COMPASSIONATE FOR FUCKING DOGS?!
WHY NOT FUCKING DEERS?! TREES?! SNAKES?! BEARS?! COWS?! OTHER BEINGS?!
What's your fucking REASON?
"Dogs are the companions of humans" HOW DO YOU KNOW?!
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF DOGS WILL NEVER HURT HUMANS?!
And how do you know if a monkey will? Or a cat will? Or a bear, a snake, a deer, a COW?
WHAT HAS DEERS AND COWS DONE TO YOU GUYS?!
WHY CAN'T THEY BE FORGIVEN AS DOGS?!
Haven't the cows supply you with milks? Haven't the chickens supply you with eggs?
WHY EAT THEM?!
"Because they're delicious" THEN WHY NOT DOGS?!
Because they're the most popular pets?
What about hamsters? Rabbits? Horse? Cats?
There's no such thing as "fairness" in the world of humans, and their moralities.
Of course, there's no way that everyone will feel the same way as another does.
But I must say - the reason why dogs were so being protected is because they're MOSTLY the pets of other people. Then I ask you dogmeat sellers...
Why the fuck do you think that taking another person's child (pet) without permission is allowed? Summore you EAT THEM.
Now think about your CHILDREN holyshit.
YOUR OWN FUCKING CHILDREN.
OI. IF SOMEBODY CAME RAMMING INTO YOUR HOUSE AND TAKE YOUR CHILDREN TO KILL or worse: MAKAN - HOW?!
You can't say "IT'S A HUMAN. IT'S DIFFERENT" well what the fuck is different?
Both are each other's TREASURES. You STEAL another's treasure... and ATE THEM.
Tell me what the fuck's different?
There are dogs that lived happily, with great masters.
There are dogs that lived poorly, with bastards.
What's different from humans, then?
There are humans that lived happily, with loving friends, families, and great chances.
There are humans that lived poorly, with fake friends, hateful families, and horrible chances.
There are dogs who can be loyal to humans, and we put them into the limelight.
But there are also humans who can be loyal to ANOTHER human as well... we just treat that as "it should have been like this".
If you want like, TOTAL FAIRNESS, please don't just say no to ONLY dogmeats. Say no to other-meats, too.
ESPECIALLY SHARKS.
SHARKS EAT HUMANS - YES - BUT YOU HUNT MORE SHARKS THAN SHARKS HUNT FOR HUMANS. FOOLS.
YOU FOOLS.
AND TIGERS.
Tigers eat humans YES BUT YOU FUCKING HUNT THEM MORE THAN THEY HUNT YOU.
Then there's rhinos.
WTF RHINOS DONE TO YOU?! BECAUSE THEIR HORNS ARE BEAUTIFUL!? THAT'S ALL?! THAT'S WHY YOU DO THAT?! WTF HUMANS.
Yeah. "Survival of the fittest".
I really don't see a difference of humans and animals. Really.
Except for intelligence, I really don't see any.
We're all fucking animals. :/
Deal with it.
Monday, August 31, 2015
About August and AMG 2015
Insert: Nandemo Ii AMG 2015 Playlist
For the first time in forever, I waltzed into AMG without buying a ticket, and without the worry of a ticket. Why?
Because, I have this thing called... "Performer's Pass".
It's a very awesome thing, this pass is, because it lets me waltz in and waltz out without causing any suspicion- I mean, I can just do that without thinking.
But it's funny to just do that, and I can't help but smiling stupidly when I did that... it actually felt VERY rule-breaking to do that XD
Anyway, this pass is awesome, and... how did I get it?
1. I joined AMG Idol 2015 and got into the prelims.
2. I joined AMG Stage Performance 2015 as the Lead Singer for Nandemo Ii.
Both are great experiences, and I thank god for the people that I met to help me get through the worst that has happened for this whole freaking month.
Thank god it ended satisfactory. I will never forget this.
= = = = = =
I started this month with... depression? Odd, right? How one like me can even get "depression"... well of course I didn't really "GET" depression, like, the mental sickness but I really did felt awfully depressed.
My composition was altered - a heck load. I hated it. I hated the person who altered my stuff into a piece of junk. I hated how we couldn't take that song off the chart. I hated how I have to listen to my own baby that's being altered into an ugly mutant. I hated it.
I had a... very bad... band experience. The rest of the people are fine but it's just that OOOOOOOOOONE person. Sigh. It's the hardest for everyone to pull that through. I slammed the door but actually I didn't mean to, I'm so sorry .w. (Honestly I just wanted to go to the toilet 8'D)
Actually I'm a bit too satisfied right now to even remember what kind of shits happened... these two are the most devastating issue to me. So anyway, enough of this and let's go on to APPRECIATION TIME!!!
= = = = = =
1. Huimin
If it's not because of you, I probably can't go through these whole thing. So I have to thank you for being there to listen to all my rants and get through those issues with me. I will miss you damn load when you intern ;v; You should really get married to your ba- *dragged away*
2. Kaye
You. Woman. Please take care of yourself okei? D< I know you very geng but don't lah go and grab every single job in the world and leave yourself like what little time to rest- wait, isn't this supposed to be appreciation- Well I appreciate you I guess that's why I'm complaining to you- *dragged away*
3. Sam
Mah leader. =w=)7 Respects to you for being able to handle everything. You geng. You're a bit too kind sometimes, though... but that aside, I respect you the most, for knowing everyone's part and stuffs but plsknowyourownpar- *shot*
4. Eva
You improved a lot. I have great respects to you. Please continue drumming. 0v0)b Perhaps in 1 year, you will be better than me... and I wish to see that day to happen >v<)bbb
5. Evie
You're a great person. Please don't stop to be great, and please continue to practice that guitar of yours. You can be better than everyone else if you're given more time to do so. 0v0)/
6. Soyan
I'm so so so so so damn sorry for leaving you aside like that for the first day. >A< I seriously didn't thought of that and I just got too excited to want to get to know everybody in AMG Idol... so sorry >A< I'll make it up for you >A<)/ Thank you for holding mah bag and stuffs and listen to rants and stuffs ;A;
7. Amelia
Thank you for... well, everything, actually. Somehow you pampered me a lot 8'D Your efforts weren't paid off in the end and I'm actually quite pissed :/ Like, why lah sound system? Yeesh. I feel so bad for you. Butanikudon though, that one's damn awesome. Let's go there again- *dragged away* PS: I gotta belanja you gurl >A<
8. Junnie
You missed my performance I missed your performance - now we're equal- *shot for million times* I-I mean, *cough* thanks for the million suggestions and advices that you bagi >v<)/ And you're there to listen to me at THAT particular moment... so thank you for the supports you bagi ;v;
9. The MCs - Shaun and Dante
Thank you so so so much for helping us and giving us supports and encouragements. I know it's been hard to deal with both sides, so thank you very much for giving the best to our band >v<)/ I love you guys, and please stay awesome and.......Punny- *shot*
10. The Crowds/Awesome Audiences
Holyshit- Thank you. THANK YOU SO MUCH AMG CROWDS. You gaiz super supportive and responsive to EVERYONE on stage. I love you guys - the best crowds/audiences EVER! Honestly, that's what kept the performers on the stage to keep going. You gaiz memang good ;v;)bbb I feel so sorry for all the shoutings and yellings and, erm, bad sound system going on... but you guys STAYED. So thank you, thank you SO MUCH! <3
>>> Especially the glowstick peeps. You guys are AWESOME! Please come again >v<)/
11. This NanoFate Doujin Artist
OMG OMG OMG I SAW YOUR WORKS ONLINE. I DIDN'T KNOW. I BUY LIAO BARU KNOW. I love your art, please continue to draw more. ;v;)b It's damn heartwarming... and I wish I can at least get your name orz Why lah your doujin book takda nama @w@ Please put your nama next time >A<
12. AMG Idol Performers
Everyone of you are great people. I enjoyed ALL your performances... I just hoped that the sound system is better and can accommodate all of your needs to perform at your best >A< Stay strong everyone! We shall go out and yumcha together, VERY soon! >v<)/
13. Judges
Without the judges, I can't get this performer pass- *shot* So I have to thank them for giving me a chance on stage to show my passion of music towards the crowds ;v;)b Thank you judges! (I dunno who judged the stage performers, but thank you ALL <3)
14. Coco Bear
Special number for you just because ;D)b Anyway, thanks for your continual supports >v<)/ (I MISS YOUR FOOD OMG-)
15. AMG Doujin Artists / Booth Peoples (I dunno what to call you gaiz sorry orz)
Yes, all the doujin artists out there... please stay awesome and continue to create great arts! I LOVE all your arts! The stickers are DAMN kawaii, the books are DAMN funny... I wish I can buy from you all every year- *dragged away*
16. Mah Yuri Kazoku
Nope, not speaking of names. You know, I know - sudah. Because. Just because. I love you all. <3
17. Everyone that came to support us
I love you all. Thank you. I sucked a whole lot, and I'm very gomen, but still... thank you. Thank you all. <3
18. Raijin
YOU GAIZ ARE AWESOME PLEASE CONTINUE MAKE MUSIC <3<3<3
19. Everyone Who Beared With Me / Like Me
Sorry for my temper. Sorry for my voice. Thank you for liking me and I will do better next time =w=)/
20. All The Food I Makan
Honestly when you see this you'd think that I ran out of things to appreciate... the thing is, I always DO appreciate my food. I'm sorry for all the wasted food. I'm sorry for all the killings that have to be done to become my food. I did my best to finish my food and not waste them but sometimes I just couldn't... so I'm sorry for the wasted food and thank you chefs and foods and sacrifices to became good food to empower me and keep me going ;v;
Last but not least......
21. Sausage and Ribshack
Seriously, I thank this place a WHOLE LOT. Without this place, I can't drag my friends over for a good meal and talk about all our problems without having the fear of people listening to us ;v; I love their makanan and drinks (ZOMG PEAR CIDER <3 I hope they restock on GAYMERS soon ;v; ) and I'll bring all mah HOMIES to sini kalao ada chansu. Every Tuesdays is MEAT AND RICE YO!!! <3
= = = = = =
Thank you everyone. This is Rei, and I love you all.
There's still something worth to live for <3
For the first time in forever, I waltzed into AMG without buying a ticket, and without the worry of a ticket. Why?
Because, I have this thing called... "Performer's Pass".
It's a very awesome thing, this pass is, because it lets me waltz in and waltz out without causing any suspicion- I mean, I can just do that without thinking.
But it's funny to just do that, and I can't help but smiling stupidly when I did that... it actually felt VERY rule-breaking to do that XD
Anyway, this pass is awesome, and... how did I get it?
1. I joined AMG Idol 2015 and got into the prelims.
2. I joined AMG Stage Performance 2015 as the Lead Singer for Nandemo Ii.
Both are great experiences, and I thank god for the people that I met to help me get through the worst that has happened for this whole freaking month.
Thank god it ended satisfactory. I will never forget this.
= = = = = =
I started this month with... depression? Odd, right? How one like me can even get "depression"... well of course I didn't really "GET" depression, like, the mental sickness but I really did felt awfully depressed.
My composition was altered - a heck load. I hated it. I hated the person who altered my stuff into a piece of junk. I hated how we couldn't take that song off the chart. I hated how I have to listen to my own baby that's being altered into an ugly mutant. I hated it.
I had a... very bad... band experience. The rest of the people are fine but it's just that OOOOOOOOOONE person. Sigh. It's the hardest for everyone to pull that through. I slammed the door but actually I didn't mean to, I'm so sorry .w. (Honestly I just wanted to go to the toilet 8'D)
Actually I'm a bit too satisfied right now to even remember what kind of shits happened... these two are the most devastating issue to me. So anyway, enough of this and let's go on to APPRECIATION TIME!!!
= = = = = =
1. Huimin
If it's not because of you, I probably can't go through these whole thing. So I have to thank you for being there to listen to all my rants and get through those issues with me. I will miss you damn load when you intern ;v; You should really get married to your ba- *dragged away*
2. Kaye
You. Woman. Please take care of yourself okei? D< I know you very geng but don't lah go and grab every single job in the world and leave yourself like what little time to rest- wait, isn't this supposed to be appreciation- Well I appreciate you I guess that's why I'm complaining to you- *dragged away*
3. Sam
Mah leader. =w=)7 Respects to you for being able to handle everything. You geng. You're a bit too kind sometimes, though... but that aside, I respect you the most, for knowing everyone's part and stuffs but plsknowyourownpar- *shot*
4. Eva
You improved a lot. I have great respects to you. Please continue drumming. 0v0)b Perhaps in 1 year, you will be better than me... and I wish to see that day to happen >v<)bbb
5. Evie
You're a great person. Please don't stop to be great, and please continue to practice that guitar of yours. You can be better than everyone else if you're given more time to do so. 0v0)/
6. Soyan
I'm so so so so so damn sorry for leaving you aside like that for the first day. >A< I seriously didn't thought of that and I just got too excited to want to get to know everybody in AMG Idol... so sorry >A< I'll make it up for you >A<)/ Thank you for holding mah bag and stuffs and listen to rants and stuffs ;A;
7. Amelia
Thank you for... well, everything, actually. Somehow you pampered me a lot 8'D Your efforts weren't paid off in the end and I'm actually quite pissed :/ Like, why lah sound system? Yeesh. I feel so bad for you. Butanikudon though, that one's damn awesome. Let's go there again- *dragged away* PS: I gotta belanja you gurl >A<
8. Junnie
You missed my performance I missed your performance - now we're equal- *shot for million times* I-I mean, *cough* thanks for the million suggestions and advices that you bagi >v<)/ And you're there to listen to me at THAT particular moment... so thank you for the supports you bagi ;v;
9. The MCs - Shaun and Dante
Thank you so so so much for helping us and giving us supports and encouragements. I know it's been hard to deal with both sides, so thank you very much for giving the best to our band >v<)/ I love you guys, and please stay awesome and.......Punny- *shot*
10. The Crowds/Awesome Audiences
Holyshit- Thank you. THANK YOU SO MUCH AMG CROWDS. You gaiz super supportive and responsive to EVERYONE on stage. I love you guys - the best crowds/audiences EVER! Honestly, that's what kept the performers on the stage to keep going. You gaiz memang good ;v;)bbb I feel so sorry for all the shoutings and yellings and, erm, bad sound system going on... but you guys STAYED. So thank you, thank you SO MUCH! <3
>>> Especially the glowstick peeps. You guys are AWESOME! Please come again >v<)/
11. This NanoFate Doujin Artist
OMG OMG OMG I SAW YOUR WORKS ONLINE. I DIDN'T KNOW. I BUY LIAO BARU KNOW. I love your art, please continue to draw more. ;v;)b It's damn heartwarming... and I wish I can at least get your name orz Why lah your doujin book takda nama @w@ Please put your nama next time >A<
12. AMG Idol Performers
Everyone of you are great people. I enjoyed ALL your performances... I just hoped that the sound system is better and can accommodate all of your needs to perform at your best >A< Stay strong everyone! We shall go out and yumcha together, VERY soon! >v<)/
13. Judges
Without the judges, I can't get this performer pass- *shot* So I have to thank them for giving me a chance on stage to show my passion of music towards the crowds ;v;)b Thank you judges! (I dunno who judged the stage performers, but thank you ALL <3)
14. Coco Bear
Special number for you just because ;D)b Anyway, thanks for your continual supports >v<)/ (I MISS YOUR FOOD OMG-)
15. AMG Doujin Artists / Booth Peoples (I dunno what to call you gaiz sorry orz)
Yes, all the doujin artists out there... please stay awesome and continue to create great arts! I LOVE all your arts! The stickers are DAMN kawaii, the books are DAMN funny... I wish I can buy from you all every year- *dragged away*
16. Mah Yuri Kazoku
Nope, not speaking of names. You know, I know - sudah. Because. Just because. I love you all. <3
17. Everyone that came to support us
I love you all. Thank you. I sucked a whole lot, and I'm very gomen, but still... thank you. Thank you all. <3
18. Raijin
YOU GAIZ ARE AWESOME PLEASE CONTINUE MAKE MUSIC <3<3<3
19. Everyone Who Beared With Me / Like Me
Sorry for my temper. Sorry for my voice. Thank you for liking me and I will do better next time =w=)/
20. All The Food I Makan
Honestly when you see this you'd think that I ran out of things to appreciate... the thing is, I always DO appreciate my food. I'm sorry for all the wasted food. I'm sorry for all the killings that have to be done to become my food. I did my best to finish my food and not waste them but sometimes I just couldn't... so I'm sorry for the wasted food and thank you chefs and foods and sacrifices to became good food to empower me and keep me going ;v;
Last but not least......
21. Sausage and Ribshack
Seriously, I thank this place a WHOLE LOT. Without this place, I can't drag my friends over for a good meal and talk about all our problems without having the fear of people listening to us ;v; I love their makanan and drinks (ZOMG PEAR CIDER <3 I hope they restock on GAYMERS soon ;v; ) and I'll bring all mah HOMIES to sini kalao ada chansu. Every Tuesdays is MEAT AND RICE YO!!! <3
= = = = = =
Thank you everyone. This is Rei, and I love you all.
There's still something worth to live for <3
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Written Before My Grad...
NOTE: This is a letter towards an important person... and it's too golden so I must write it down 8'D
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From here onwards, I am going to make my own statements. This is purely based on how personally felt about everything, how I perceive from my own point of view. It might insult you, it might make you feel like shit and helpless, or just depressed because the whole world seemed to not understand you.
First, let me state your importance to me. From the level of smoke to ramen you're the ramen for obvious reason. But, you probably won't understand this because I don't think you deem any friends as important. Of course, you will not reject them, because you're being too kind, and you will just rant and complain about everything right after it. Can, why not? The issue on this matter is, I will be the one that is protective of you and will not complain about shits even after you did something disappointing to me. When I did, it means that I have received more disappointments than what I can accept, and I know you can do it but you chose not to and give no reasons, and you still show me a face as if I am the one who dragged you down to hell. If I really am at fault, then fine, you have your justification. But most of the time, you WERE willing to do it, and then you just think everything is troublesome. If you don't want just said so lah! Very hard meh? I can disappoint for a while then try to understand why, but most of the time, you chose to stick to the end with a super bitter face as if you're playing something you don't like, don't want, and cannot do at all, and I forced you to do it. I'm not sure if you remembered, but I am actually talking about the "Senbonzakura" thing, which is like 1 or 2 years ago, when you have MBE. I remembered it, and I still never managed to understand WHY. Why lah, kamu ni bitter face? Why lah don't tell me? Why lah mau memalukan sendiri pun tak nak buatkan terbaik that you can actually do it? Why? I guess I will never know.
Now, I never once minded that you rant to me. It is fine to rant, it is fine to complain, but when you talk as if I am part of those humans and I mean nothing to you, I am not fine with it. You say you want to disappear - fine, but what about those that cared and needs you? See, this is the problem with me. I understand the reason behind your wish to disappear, and it was awkward to admit that I do not want you to do so because you're like one of those that I can talk with, but I decided that supporting you will is more important. So I kept my silence, and I let you go. Somehow I even wished that we're just mere strangers so that hearing these from you will be less painful.
There are just so, so many things that I did not dare to tell you, because it's awkward, and none of us seemed to want to resolve. I don't know what is the best time to talk to you, and every time I wanted to say, I can't go on. Funniest thing is, you want people to be straightforward to you, I want the same too, but your straightforwardness includes turning around the big circle and beating around the bush. I did that when I really don't want to talk about it, yes, I'm at my own fault too. Perhaps you're the same, but we both just can't be straightforward with each other for our own reasons. Too bad.
By saying "Sorry for ranting yesterday, I will not rant to you anymore" simply means that you don't understand what my post meant. Alright, lemme tell you then. The whole situation of you ranting, finish rant/resolved, then proceed to go and have fun with someone else... to me, sounds like "Finish throw rubbish, go and play with someone more important". You treated me as a stranger, a... place to juuust throw your shits into, and you just walk away. Wow, how convenient that sounds, right? Too bad, I guess you may not feel that, because... as you self-pitied, and said it yourself, you're a cruel, self-centered, fishmonger. You will never understand how important people can be, if you compare them to animals and pets, right? Yes, you will nod your head to this. That's how I thought, too.
Up until this point, I wonder how much have you lost your focus and wished that you don't need to deal with my craps anymore. Oops, I forgot that this may be throw away from the start too. Too many words for you? Too luansui for you? I think so too. But hey, my anger has not died. I'm continuing this for my sake man!
Oh yeah, I actually haven't finish yet. And you asked me to scold you right? Well I shall continue. You say everyone is fake? Congratulations! You are not fake! Oh, and I need to congratulate myself being the fakest, because right, I am there helping you out and listening to your rants and always care about you and I really should get Oscar for being your best, fake friend, right? All my love for you are fake, all those efforts are fake, all those opinions are fake, right? Yeah. Actually hor I change your song punye melody because I think it sounded better that way, and I give you credits because, you know, best friends ma, right? I am totally not sorry about it you know? So many people praise me singing very good one you know? Because hor I tell you opinions you think fake ma, I am wrong ma, then ok lor. I sendiri tweak lor. Now that I know I'm a fake friend and don't need to pretend anymore, I can take some credits, right? Oh, and, all those car fares, pay me back oh~ 3 years I drive you around leh~ You think other people got ah? No! Only fake friends do one. Fake 到底嘛~ Yeah, think about it I did nothing much hor? Summore I ask you out and force you to go somewhere with me right? Ok lah, then dunnid pay lah. Everything you sudah pay. Aiya, but my kimochi you no pay me leh. Those happiness, sadness, anger, and worries... ei? No need pay ah. Cuz they all fake, kan? Yalor. Then dunnid la. Eh but all those gossips those information very important leh. Need to calculate. Thank god you told me something too, otherwise hard to count lor~
Woah. I really can become Oscar actress weih. I can cry anytime LOL! Aiya, you see? Fake dao I forgot to marah you liao. Aiyo dunnid one la, everyone else help me marah ma, kan? You say so de ma~ Best revenge, right?
I have no idea what went into your mind, but I can say that I do NOT deserve this treatment. But of course, you dunnid to give. You know why? Because it's my own choice ma~ I have been forcing myself onto you, right? Aiya, tell me lah you hate me from the bottom of your heart. You also treat me very nice leh. Wait. Wah! You fake queen leh like that! Woohoo! But seriously, tell me lah you don't like me, tell me lah you want to get away from me. Like what you say kan? Want betray, betray kaw kaw. Let me one-shot no hope of even deeming you as a friend ma... Aiya, I forgot again. I fake aje ma, hor? Why so serious leh? Hahahahaha
Now that I reveal I fake friend, suddenly everything I want to say not important liao. All those I write ah? Fake de lah. You think I feel so much? I fake friend leh! Hahaha!
Eh, I tell you, next time bring your dogs around. They are the most loyal, won't betray you, and help you bite those that betrays you. Like me ah, and the rest of the people ah... aiya, you know de lah! Always trust only on dogs, only play with dogs. Humans not important one, right? Ei, like that hor, don't go Japan also! Cannot be trusted one. Aiya, don't work also lah. Boss cannot understand you, and you cannot work with people. Stay at home leh? Got robbers then how? Move to mountain lor.
Yeap, just like in your dreams.
Be away from the world, be forever alone.
Ei, don't complain ok? I try to make you not alone many times oh. You didn't want de oh. Then people move in you baru happy cuz got someone you can deem more important... THEN YOU GOT BETRAYED! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
What. You kid ah? You 1st time ah?
Grow up lah, my god.
Me? I gave up, dunnid to grow up one!
I got money ma, scare what? Scare people like you lor! Texting and calling dunnid money ah? Why I waste? Aiya fake friends ma~ Need to invest leh! You macam jade. If I can make you polished you tau how how much I can earn back or not? Too bad leh, now fake friends, cannot see you grow cannot polish you liao. Need to hand you to another person. Want to wait for you and together shine at Japan also cannot liao. Bobian lor~ You worry about being bullied? Nah, got fake friends around you, they will all smile at you and help you de. You so talented, people don't want you they stupid lah! Got gold dunwan? Macam ni de lor. You so good then everyone wants a piece of you de lor~ Wanna complain? Too bad, this door kena lock by you liao. You say de ma~ Fake friends la, and they
= = = = = = ONE PAPER GONE MISSING I DUNNO WHAT ELSE I WRITE = = = = = =
= = = = = = SO I CHANGE = = = = = =
Fake friends la, cannot trust, you deal with your own problems la... Good! Your problems macam mountain you know how many I need to deal with them? And what do I get? You walk off for more important people lor~
Tch. 浪费我时间、体力、金钱。
到最后都不被你重视。Cheh.
Haiya. Write too long liao. You still reading kah? I kind of hope that you just give up though. Cuz I don't know if you will understand what I'm trying to say here.
But anyway, thanks for reading and stay with me for 3 years (wow!). You self-pity bastard that kept on belittling your own talents and give up on everything that you actually can be good at; You coward who can't speak up your mind; You fishmonger who will think only the world is bad at you but you are not causing other people's misery... But wait. What if... you ARE the victim?
Sucks to be you then~
Go back to your home lah~ Geez. Come out for what? Complain and make no changes. Cheh.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From here onwards, I am going to make my own statements. This is purely based on how personally felt about everything, how I perceive from my own point of view. It might insult you, it might make you feel like shit and helpless, or just depressed because the whole world seemed to not understand you.
First, let me state your importance to me. From the level of smoke to ramen you're the ramen for obvious reason. But, you probably won't understand this because I don't think you deem any friends as important. Of course, you will not reject them, because you're being too kind, and you will just rant and complain about everything right after it. Can, why not? The issue on this matter is, I will be the one that is protective of you and will not complain about shits even after you did something disappointing to me. When I did, it means that I have received more disappointments than what I can accept, and I know you can do it but you chose not to and give no reasons, and you still show me a face as if I am the one who dragged you down to hell. If I really am at fault, then fine, you have your justification. But most of the time, you WERE willing to do it, and then you just think everything is troublesome. If you don't want just said so lah! Very hard meh? I can disappoint for a while then try to understand why, but most of the time, you chose to stick to the end with a super bitter face as if you're playing something you don't like, don't want, and cannot do at all, and I forced you to do it. I'm not sure if you remembered, but I am actually talking about the "Senbonzakura" thing, which is like 1 or 2 years ago, when you have MBE. I remembered it, and I still never managed to understand WHY. Why lah, kamu ni bitter face? Why lah don't tell me? Why lah mau memalukan sendiri pun tak nak buatkan terbaik that you can actually do it? Why? I guess I will never know.
Now, I never once minded that you rant to me. It is fine to rant, it is fine to complain, but when you talk as if I am part of those humans and I mean nothing to you, I am not fine with it. You say you want to disappear - fine, but what about those that cared and needs you? See, this is the problem with me. I understand the reason behind your wish to disappear, and it was awkward to admit that I do not want you to do so because you're like one of those that I can talk with, but I decided that supporting you will is more important. So I kept my silence, and I let you go. Somehow I even wished that we're just mere strangers so that hearing these from you will be less painful.
There are just so, so many things that I did not dare to tell you, because it's awkward, and none of us seemed to want to resolve. I don't know what is the best time to talk to you, and every time I wanted to say, I can't go on. Funniest thing is, you want people to be straightforward to you, I want the same too, but your straightforwardness includes turning around the big circle and beating around the bush. I did that when I really don't want to talk about it, yes, I'm at my own fault too. Perhaps you're the same, but we both just can't be straightforward with each other for our own reasons. Too bad.
By saying "Sorry for ranting yesterday, I will not rant to you anymore" simply means that you don't understand what my post meant. Alright, lemme tell you then. The whole situation of you ranting, finish rant/resolved, then proceed to go and have fun with someone else... to me, sounds like "Finish throw rubbish, go and play with someone more important". You treated me as a stranger, a... place to juuust throw your shits into, and you just walk away. Wow, how convenient that sounds, right? Too bad, I guess you may not feel that, because... as you self-pitied, and said it yourself, you're a cruel, self-centered, fishmonger. You will never understand how important people can be, if you compare them to animals and pets, right? Yes, you will nod your head to this. That's how I thought, too.
Up until this point, I wonder how much have you lost your focus and wished that you don't need to deal with my craps anymore. Oops, I forgot that this may be throw away from the start too. Too many words for you? Too luansui for you? I think so too. But hey, my anger has not died. I'm continuing this for my sake man!
Oh yeah, I actually haven't finish yet. And you asked me to scold you right? Well I shall continue. You say everyone is fake? Congratulations! You are not fake! Oh, and I need to congratulate myself being the fakest, because right, I am there helping you out and listening to your rants and always care about you and I really should get Oscar for being your best, fake friend, right? All my love for you are fake, all those efforts are fake, all those opinions are fake, right? Yeah. Actually hor I change your song punye melody because I think it sounded better that way, and I give you credits because, you know, best friends ma, right? I am totally not sorry about it you know? So many people praise me singing very good one you know? Because hor I tell you opinions you think fake ma, I am wrong ma, then ok lor. I sendiri tweak lor. Now that I know I'm a fake friend and don't need to pretend anymore, I can take some credits, right? Oh, and, all those car fares, pay me back oh~ 3 years I drive you around leh~ You think other people got ah? No! Only fake friends do one. Fake 到底嘛~ Yeah, think about it I did nothing much hor? Summore I ask you out and force you to go somewhere with me right? Ok lah, then dunnid pay lah. Everything you sudah pay. Aiya, but my kimochi you no pay me leh. Those happiness, sadness, anger, and worries... ei? No need pay ah. Cuz they all fake, kan? Yalor. Then dunnid la. Eh but all those gossips those information very important leh. Need to calculate. Thank god you told me something too, otherwise hard to count lor~
Woah. I really can become Oscar actress weih. I can cry anytime LOL! Aiya, you see? Fake dao I forgot to marah you liao. Aiyo dunnid one la, everyone else help me marah ma, kan? You say so de ma~ Best revenge, right?
I have no idea what went into your mind, but I can say that I do NOT deserve this treatment. But of course, you dunnid to give. You know why? Because it's my own choice ma~ I have been forcing myself onto you, right? Aiya, tell me lah you hate me from the bottom of your heart. You also treat me very nice leh. Wait. Wah! You fake queen leh like that! Woohoo! But seriously, tell me lah you don't like me, tell me lah you want to get away from me. Like what you say kan? Want betray, betray kaw kaw. Let me one-shot no hope of even deeming you as a friend ma... Aiya, I forgot again. I fake aje ma, hor? Why so serious leh? Hahahahaha
Now that I reveal I fake friend, suddenly everything I want to say not important liao. All those I write ah? Fake de lah. You think I feel so much? I fake friend leh! Hahaha!
Eh, I tell you, next time bring your dogs around. They are the most loyal, won't betray you, and help you bite those that betrays you. Like me ah, and the rest of the people ah... aiya, you know de lah! Always trust only on dogs, only play with dogs. Humans not important one, right? Ei, like that hor, don't go Japan also! Cannot be trusted one. Aiya, don't work also lah. Boss cannot understand you, and you cannot work with people. Stay at home leh? Got robbers then how? Move to mountain lor.
Yeap, just like in your dreams.
Be away from the world, be forever alone.
Ei, don't complain ok? I try to make you not alone many times oh. You didn't want de oh. Then people move in you baru happy cuz got someone you can deem more important... THEN YOU GOT BETRAYED! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
What. You kid ah? You 1st time ah?
Grow up lah, my god.
Me? I gave up, dunnid to grow up one!
I got money ma, scare what? Scare people like you lor! Texting and calling dunnid money ah? Why I waste? Aiya fake friends ma~ Need to invest leh! You macam jade. If I can make you polished you tau how how much I can earn back or not? Too bad leh, now fake friends, cannot see you grow cannot polish you liao. Need to hand you to another person. Want to wait for you and together shine at Japan also cannot liao. Bobian lor~ You worry about being bullied? Nah, got fake friends around you, they will all smile at you and help you de. You so talented, people don't want you they stupid lah! Got gold dunwan? Macam ni de lor. You so good then everyone wants a piece of you de lor~ Wanna complain? Too bad, this door kena lock by you liao. You say de ma~ Fake friends la, and they
= = = = = = ONE PAPER GONE MISSING I DUNNO WHAT ELSE I WRITE = = = = = =
= = = = = = SO I CHANGE = = = = = =
Fake friends la, cannot trust, you deal with your own problems la... Good! Your problems macam mountain you know how many I need to deal with them? And what do I get? You walk off for more important people lor~
Tch. 浪费我时间、体力、金钱。
到最后都不被你重视。Cheh.
Haiya. Write too long liao. You still reading kah? I kind of hope that you just give up though. Cuz I don't know if you will understand what I'm trying to say here.
But anyway, thanks for reading and stay with me for 3 years (wow!). You self-pity bastard that kept on belittling your own talents and give up on everything that you actually can be good at; You coward who can't speak up your mind; You fishmonger who will think only the world is bad at you but you are not causing other people's misery... But wait. What if... you ARE the victim?
Sucks to be you then~
Go back to your home lah~ Geez. Come out for what? Complain and make no changes. Cheh.
Monday, April 27, 2015
I Just Graduated!
Insert: My 5-Star Playlist of Greatness <3
Omedetou to myself 8'DDD
I dunno why I decided to write something here today buuuuuuuut here I am XD
Well, I have no ideas what to write here...
Or rather, how to really start...
Well.
Many, many things have happened.
I laughed. I cried. I'm hurt. I'd hurt. I rose. I fallen.
I...
Suddenly that one big obstacle just disappeared in my life and I don't really know what to do next.
People told me that I should rest, but what should I do while I'm resting?
How long should I rest?
I have been resting, and it's been quite a long while.
Well, at least, right now, I'm able to play, to have fun, and to enjoy my life and catch up with whatever that I couldn't before... which is a lie, 'cause, I CAN always enjoy them and do what I want to do at the same time. I procrastinated - even my own enjoyment. It was funny, even until now. It's not like I don't have the time, it's more like, I don't feel like doing it.
But one thing that I really want to do, and I didn't got the time to do, was to listen to songs.
New and old.
Good and bads... actually the bads can go one side but, I always have this thing about "potential songs" and how to make them better.
Hmm.
Maybe I can try rearranging them? 0w0
Yeah. I could add that to my list of things that I want to do. Kek.
= = =
Aside from that, what else I want to do?
A lot, actually, that it peaks at 11 major things that I wanna do - that I've been wanting to do.
Funny thing is, I don't know how to feel about gaming anymore.
Sure, leveling up my Disgaea characters have been a thing... but after 2 hours of doing the same thing? Nah. =v=
What about Dragon Nest? I shrugs, because I don't really feel like looking at the lagging screen and fighting... the same bosses. I can read up their plots in wikias too so... doesn't really matter to me anymore, about everything. One thing that I used to take enjoyment was about earning money. When it's NOT about earning money, I'm not quite sure what I really want to do in Dragon Nest. Quite odd, this is. :/
What about the rest of the games that I left behind? That I didn't get to finish them? Well, Mass Effect 2... I'm actually stuck at one of that super difficult mission that I just went and "nah, not gonna do this =v=;;;" I mean, I'm too tired to continue that, tho I want to finish that and move onto ME3 OTL|||
I'm still waiting for Legacy of the Void to come out tho. And Dungeon Keeper THE NEW VERSION which I forgot its name OTL||| I've always loved strategy games, and it's been quite challenging sometimes. Hahahahahahahaahah whatamIdoingwithmylife. OTL||| I can strategy here but I don't like strategy-ing in real life @w@
What other games? RPGs take too much of my time to level up so I actually don't prefer them anymore... =v= I mean, graphics, sounds, etc. are nice and all but, I prefer to "play games" that are more "free"... like, whatever you can do with RPing, y'know? That's another kind of "game" for me but... I can't really continue with my community anymore *sigh* I just hoped that I can get another free place to start everything over and shit. =v=;;;
Oh well. OTL|||
MaybeIshouldgoback.
= = =
Gamings aside, I've been wanting to draw 0v0
But. My inspirations are hitting the ground and I have no idea where to start with OTL|||
Then I wanted to write as well.
Maybe I should restart my "Kagura" Project (yes, it's now an independent series 'cause I think using DMC as its title name is kind of weird... don'tcha think? =v=;;;)
And all the other one-shots about Yuri and stuffs... hmmm. But not much things came out from this brain for now. It wants to make music more than anything else *sigh*
I mean, sure, making music is great but, I want to go back to my previous hobbies and not just revolve around making music...
OR I can start making music until I'm bored with it THEN I can go back to my previous hobbies 8D
Yeah. That should do it. <3
Lemme just start rearranging all those bad shits MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *shot*
Ohandcoveringsongsweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 8'D
= = =
Exercising is a must. I need to diet and I need to stamina-gain. D<
I can't let everything to stay as it is OTL|||
Gotta go to those Idol things and score 'em =w=)b *shotshotshot* (where this confidence came from oi =A=;;;)
Also.
I want to get a girlfriend.
Goddammit I WANT A GIRLFRIEND D<
WHY THAT WOMAN HAS ONE AND I DON'T HAVE ANY.
Am I unattractive? *sigh*
I swear I have good looks oi :/
Am I being too confident about myself then? 8'D
Oh well.
In any ways, I need a new romance so that I can forget all those bad ones.
That I felt guilty about, that I felt miserable about. *sigh*
Gimme my chance oi. =A=
I'm not a bad person, I deserve at least something oi. =A=;;;
*sigh*
= = =
I couldn't forget all those things that I've done.
I couldn't forget all those emotions that I felt.
I couldn't forget all of those people's faces.
Seeing them being happy and I'm not distorts my heart as well.
Like, wtf?
I'm a better person than they are but I don't get this?
Then again...
I'm not.
I'm... a very pathetic person. =v=
Meh.
I don't deserve love probably OTL|||
Still, I'm quite envious of their relationships.
And when I think of my own, it does nothing but leaving me a battered heart and soul.
For years, and perhaps years to come...
Have nobody attempted to get to know the real me?
To get close to me?
Really?
Am I that bad a character?
Did I push them away unconsciously???
Or was it because of this particular woman that I'm still having feelings of?
That everybody just sort of thought that we're together?
WE'RE NOT DAMMIT.
SO HELP ME GET RID OF THIS FEELING ALREADY. D<
Goddammit OTL|||
= = =
And so, my life after graduation have just begun =v=
I hope that my future is gonna be brighter and I can find some lights...
Lights...
Hmmm.
Where?
Hopefully I can still go to Japan - not as a traveler, but as a student... as a worker...
I didn't forget the noble quest of mine - to learn, and to teach.
But can I do that?
Hmmmmmmm.
I need to get a teaching cert too. Meh :/
Ohwell. <w< >w>
Omedetou to myself 8'DDD
I dunno why I decided to write something here today buuuuuuuut here I am XD
Well, I have no ideas what to write here...
Or rather, how to really start...
Well.
Many, many things have happened.
I laughed. I cried. I'm hurt. I'd hurt. I rose. I fallen.
I...
Suddenly that one big obstacle just disappeared in my life and I don't really know what to do next.
People told me that I should rest, but what should I do while I'm resting?
How long should I rest?
I have been resting, and it's been quite a long while.
Well, at least, right now, I'm able to play, to have fun, and to enjoy my life and catch up with whatever that I couldn't before... which is a lie, 'cause, I CAN always enjoy them and do what I want to do at the same time. I procrastinated - even my own enjoyment. It was funny, even until now. It's not like I don't have the time, it's more like, I don't feel like doing it.
But one thing that I really want to do, and I didn't got the time to do, was to listen to songs.
New and old.
Good and bads... actually the bads can go one side but, I always have this thing about "potential songs" and how to make them better.
Hmm.
Maybe I can try rearranging them? 0w0
Yeah. I could add that to my list of things that I want to do. Kek.
= = =
Aside from that, what else I want to do?
A lot, actually, that it peaks at 11 major things that I wanna do - that I've been wanting to do.
Funny thing is, I don't know how to feel about gaming anymore.
Sure, leveling up my Disgaea characters have been a thing... but after 2 hours of doing the same thing? Nah. =v=
What about Dragon Nest? I shrugs, because I don't really feel like looking at the lagging screen and fighting... the same bosses. I can read up their plots in wikias too so... doesn't really matter to me anymore, about everything. One thing that I used to take enjoyment was about earning money. When it's NOT about earning money, I'm not quite sure what I really want to do in Dragon Nest. Quite odd, this is. :/
What about the rest of the games that I left behind? That I didn't get to finish them? Well, Mass Effect 2... I'm actually stuck at one of that super difficult mission that I just went and "nah, not gonna do this =v=;;;" I mean, I'm too tired to continue that, tho I want to finish that and move onto ME3 OTL|||
I'm still waiting for Legacy of the Void to come out tho. And Dungeon Keeper THE NEW VERSION which I forgot its name OTL||| I've always loved strategy games, and it's been quite challenging sometimes. Hahahahahahahaahah whatamIdoingwithmylife. OTL||| I can strategy here but I don't like strategy-ing in real life @w@
What other games? RPGs take too much of my time to level up so I actually don't prefer them anymore... =v= I mean, graphics, sounds, etc. are nice and all but, I prefer to "play games" that are more "free"... like, whatever you can do with RPing, y'know? That's another kind of "game" for me but... I can't really continue with my community anymore *sigh* I just hoped that I can get another free place to start everything over and shit. =v=;;;
Oh well. OTL|||
MaybeIshouldgoback.
= = =
Gamings aside, I've been wanting to draw 0v0
But. My inspirations are hitting the ground and I have no idea where to start with OTL|||
Then I wanted to write as well.
Maybe I should restart my "Kagura" Project (yes, it's now an independent series 'cause I think using DMC as its title name is kind of weird... don'tcha think? =v=;;;)
And all the other one-shots about Yuri and stuffs... hmmm. But not much things came out from this brain for now. It wants to make music more than anything else *sigh*
I mean, sure, making music is great but, I want to go back to my previous hobbies and not just revolve around making music...
OR I can start making music until I'm bored with it THEN I can go back to my previous hobbies 8D
Yeah. That should do it. <3
Lemme just start rearranging all those bad shits MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *shot*
Ohandcoveringsongsweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 8'D
= = =
Exercising is a must. I need to diet and I need to stamina-gain. D<
I can't let everything to stay as it is OTL|||
Gotta go to those Idol things and score 'em =w=)b *shotshotshot* (where this confidence came from oi =A=;;;)
Also.
I want to get a girlfriend.
Goddammit I WANT A GIRLFRIEND D<
WHY THAT WOMAN HAS ONE AND I DON'T HAVE ANY.
Am I unattractive? *sigh*
I swear I have good looks oi :/
Am I being too confident about myself then? 8'D
Oh well.
In any ways, I need a new romance so that I can forget all those bad ones.
That I felt guilty about, that I felt miserable about. *sigh*
Gimme my chance oi. =A=
I'm not a bad person, I deserve at least something oi. =A=;;;
*sigh*
= = =
I couldn't forget all those things that I've done.
I couldn't forget all those emotions that I felt.
I couldn't forget all of those people's faces.
Seeing them being happy and I'm not distorts my heart as well.
Like, wtf?
I'm a better person than they are but I don't get this?
Then again...
I'm not.
I'm... a very pathetic person. =v=
Meh.
I don't deserve love probably OTL|||
Still, I'm quite envious of their relationships.
And when I think of my own, it does nothing but leaving me a battered heart and soul.
For years, and perhaps years to come...
Have nobody attempted to get to know the real me?
To get close to me?
Really?
Am I that bad a character?
Did I push them away unconsciously???
Or was it because of this particular woman that I'm still having feelings of?
That everybody just sort of thought that we're together?
WE'RE NOT DAMMIT.
SO HELP ME GET RID OF THIS FEELING ALREADY. D<
Goddammit OTL|||
= = =
And so, my life after graduation have just begun =v=
I hope that my future is gonna be brighter and I can find some lights...
Lights...
Hmmm.
Where?
Hopefully I can still go to Japan - not as a traveler, but as a student... as a worker...
I didn't forget the noble quest of mine - to learn, and to teach.
But can I do that?
Hmmmmmmm.
I need to get a teaching cert too. Meh :/
Ohwell. <w< >w>
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Thoughts. Thoughts. Thoughts...
Insert: Uso no Koi
以前的我可能太过于大胆，什么都敢做。
想着，反正这个地方呆不长久，得罪了人可以逃之夭夭，不理不睬。
现在反而羞愧了起来，学到了很多事情，不敢再以自己觉得无所谓的方式去实行很多东西。
但是，有些事情依然不平衡。
所以每一次都让自己觉得“可能这是我前世欠他的“。这样想，有时候觉得什么不平衡的东西都能行得通。但是理性的脑袋依然要想：这样对自己公平吗？自己不会像个白痴一样吗？
说是这么说，我依然不敢去索取我真正想要的平衡。这样反而觉得自己太自私。所以每一次只是嘴巴上讲讲，随兴地倾诉/埋怨心理的不平衡，然后就算了。有时还会记得，但也只能等着时间把它给冲淡，化为无。
想要去索求，不敢去追求，索性地漂流。。。
脑海里的声音，依然轻声地问着：这样子，好吗？
这样子，真的好吗？
= = =
喜欢看着你的背影，慢慢离我而去。
喜欢看着你的手指，纤细又强硬。
喜欢看着你的头发，深黑的魅力。
无可否认，这无法自拔的感情。
笑而不语，在背后默默的付出。
不说不提，对于你的感情。
谈笑风生，与你像哥儿们地相处。
但毕竟自己是个大人，有时会还是有冲动。
可以控制；难以控制。
这样可以持续到何时?
想对你索取，但对你公平吗？
不公平。不公平。
不公平的是自己，还是你？
= = =
Chinese is really an amazing language.
It's simply just beautify every single thoughts in your mind.
Everything seemed very deep after the right usage of the language.
Then again, perhaps all languages are the same.
Still, I find Chinese very beautiful, but really hard to grasp.
To learn different types and ways to talk about the same one thing is simply difficult to understand.
Deep. Very deep indeed.
= = =
过了很久，还是觉得很对不起你。
夺走了你最重要的东西。
但是，我无法同情你。
是你自己无法明白道理。
是你自己无法明白事理。
你把罪推到我身上来，我不是不知道，我只是不理。
我甚至什么都不想说，也不想再贬低你。
但是当其他人说了，已经不关系到自己。
好好的去想吧，好好的往前走吧。
只要你一天还停留在这个圈圈，无论如何你是无法得到你要的东西。
你只会失去更多贵重的东西。
我没有和你抢过什么，也没有亲自去夺走你之后的什么。
你怎么认为我的为人，其他人是怎样的为人，也就只有你自己能够去明白。
是真是假，是对是否，没有人能够对你说。
只有你自己才能去找到答案。
好好地去想吧。
别再回来这个不属于你的框框了。
我已经决定要走了，你一个人还待在那儿吗？
去造新的框框吧。
= = =
I have hurt a lot of people.
Even thought I did not cause bloodshed, I felt as if my hands are filled with blood.
The scars that I inflicted on people, they are as if having knives cutting through their throats.
Yet I tried to redeem myself - it's a failure, I can see that.
Did I stop trying? Maybe.
But I can't.
For I have hurt so many people, I will hurt myself in return.
If this is redemption, then so be it.
If I can't take it, who else will?
以前的我可能太过于大胆，什么都敢做。
想着，反正这个地方呆不长久，得罪了人可以逃之夭夭，不理不睬。
现在反而羞愧了起来，学到了很多事情，不敢再以自己觉得无所谓的方式去实行很多东西。
但是，有些事情依然不平衡。
所以每一次都让自己觉得“可能这是我前世欠他的“。这样想，有时候觉得什么不平衡的东西都能行得通。但是理性的脑袋依然要想：这样对自己公平吗？自己不会像个白痴一样吗？
说是这么说，我依然不敢去索取我真正想要的平衡。这样反而觉得自己太自私。所以每一次只是嘴巴上讲讲，随兴地倾诉/埋怨心理的不平衡，然后就算了。有时还会记得，但也只能等着时间把它给冲淡，化为无。
想要去索求，不敢去追求，索性地漂流。。。
脑海里的声音，依然轻声地问着：这样子，好吗？
这样子，真的好吗？
= = =
喜欢看着你的背影，慢慢离我而去。
喜欢看着你的手指，纤细又强硬。
喜欢看着你的头发，深黑的魅力。
无可否认，这无法自拔的感情。
笑而不语，在背后默默的付出。
不说不提，对于你的感情。
谈笑风生，与你像哥儿们地相处。
但毕竟自己是个大人，有时会还是有冲动。
可以控制；难以控制。
这样可以持续到何时?
想对你索取，但对你公平吗？
不公平。不公平。
不公平的是自己，还是你？
= = =
Chinese is really an amazing language.
It's simply just beautify every single thoughts in your mind.
Everything seemed very deep after the right usage of the language.
Then again, perhaps all languages are the same.
Still, I find Chinese very beautiful, but really hard to grasp.
To learn different types and ways to talk about the same one thing is simply difficult to understand.
Deep. Very deep indeed.
= = =
过了很久，还是觉得很对不起你。
夺走了你最重要的东西。
但是，我无法同情你。
是你自己无法明白道理。
是你自己无法明白事理。
你把罪推到我身上来，我不是不知道，我只是不理。
我甚至什么都不想说，也不想再贬低你。
但是当其他人说了，已经不关系到自己。
好好的去想吧，好好的往前走吧。
只要你一天还停留在这个圈圈，无论如何你是无法得到你要的东西。
你只会失去更多贵重的东西。
我没有和你抢过什么，也没有亲自去夺走你之后的什么。
你怎么认为我的为人，其他人是怎样的为人，也就只有你自己能够去明白。
是真是假，是对是否，没有人能够对你说。
只有你自己才能去找到答案。
好好地去想吧。
别再回来这个不属于你的框框了。
我已经决定要走了，你一个人还待在那儿吗？
去造新的框框吧。
= = =
I have hurt a lot of people.
Even thought I did not cause bloodshed, I felt as if my hands are filled with blood.
The scars that I inflicted on people, they are as if having knives cutting through their throats.
Yet I tried to redeem myself - it's a failure, I can see that.
Did I stop trying? Maybe.
But I can't.
For I have hurt so many people, I will hurt myself in return.
If this is redemption, then so be it.
If I can't take it, who else will?
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Many Things Have Happened...
Insert: REAL (feat. Cyua)
Many things happened.
I couldn't even put them into words anymore.
The stories are just too long for me to even put it in a single post.
I've been constantly updating my own FB status that I don't feel a need to vent in this place anymore...
...but it's not really that, I guess.
I've made all my problems as general as they are, not turning my fingers onto anyone specific. It's not that I want to keep them a secret, it's more like... I don't want to hurt anybody in specific, or make myself a target for them to hate on.
But guess what? It doesn't work if that's the case, 'cause there will still be people venting about me. *snickers*
I wanted them - all those that read the statuses - to realize their problems and actually KNOW when to not cross my line... but all they do were just "Was it me? Speak it already!"
Pffft.
If you THINK it's you (even though sometimes it's not you, or anyone at all), then CHANGE already. CHANGE so that I don't HATE you.
But no, people decided to go ask questions instead of changing for the better. -sigh-
Well, that's that. What's done is done. I cannot ask for more, don't I? *shrugs*
= = =
Many things happened, as so I've said.
My feelings never changed towards everything around me.
My love for a certain one.
My hatred for a certain place.
My dream to a certain place.
My hope to a certain group of people.
Never changed.
And so was the disappointments.
I thought I got over them already, but it never did.
I thought I can get over with my feelings, but it just keep on creeping back into me.
So one day, I decided...
I gave up on giving up on my feelings.
I shall embrace them, and let them to merge with me.
I will not let them advance, but I can't force them out.
So I'll wait, until one day... something change.
I will face all of them, but I won't actively face all of them.
I'll face them when it comes.
But for now, let them sleep. Let them hide beneath this mask.
Let me continue this facade a little longer.
Let me out of trouble a little longer.
Let me enjoy this... a little longer.
= = = = = = = = = =
I have confessions to make. In fact, I have a lot.
1. I would be glad to harbor your hatred onto me. I will not escape, and I will not let your hatred to land on any of my cared ones.
2. I am not as confident as you may think I am. I may boast about my abilities, but I never thought that they can get to somewhere far in reality.
3. I may be brave, but in reality, I would rather run away than to face them.
4. I do not fear death, but I fear meaningless death... like, car accidents that happens because I'm careless and it should not happen.
5. I am... some sort of a mental-masochist. While I do not enjoy pain to my physical body, I am able to embrace pain to my inner heart. Not by insulting me, but by agonizing me. Not by disgusting me, but by saddening me. It's like, I would enjoy sad endings, even though I prefer happy endings... but it's the sadness that is beautiful. That kind.
6. I am callous. I do not care about people. Yet I empathize with people. I understand their pain and I would cry in their stead. It was the weirdest clash within me, and I do not understand which part of it is real.
7. I am scared of myself. I am scared of myself being able to hurt the others. I am scared when I hurt the others. I am scared when I induced fear onto innocent children. It happened once, and it never happen again.
8. I am a twisted kind of person. It's not the fact like people like gore and like killing, it's the kind of mindset that I have. In front of people I'm a saint, behind the people I'm a devil. I wished for world's peace, and yet I do not care when a person die. I'm a hypocrite, yet I am not one. If I have to reason this out, it's because it's the nature, the karma, and the cycle of life that all of these happened. However, war and pollution should not happen. It is not part of the karma - rather, it's people building bad karma with war and pollution, therefore increasing their length of payment before they can even pay. Therefore I do not believe in war, but I'm ok with people dying because that's their payment.
9. I love to justify one thing - in fact, I justifies EVERYTHING that I can. About myself, about my own reasoning, about one person's faults, about why a person does this and that, about why a person commits crime... etc. I try to find the good points of everyone before I find/talk about the bad ones.
10. Yet, I resort to complain about every single bad things I come across after that. I guess I'm no different than those people that I am disgusted on, for I am disgusted of my own self.
11. I never felt the right to complain, and I have always been suppressing my own negative thoughts. I have always thought that there's people that's worse than my own experiences, therefore I shouldn't complain... but it pains me to suppress all these things. It hurts. Yet I couldn't find a soul to complain to, because my problem, as to compared to theirs, are worthless. Therefore even when I'm complaining, I'm suppressing. Because I'm not the worst. Just because of that. And it really hurts.
12. My own agony came from how good and how well my family was. Just because of that, I have to compel with their rules, because "I should have nothing to complain of" from this kind of family and upbringing. Yet, this is the root of my agony. I seemed to have freedom, but the chain came from where "I cannot complain anything at all"... and this chain is my family indeed.
13. I tend to forget my troubles after I speak about them - in any platforms at all. Therefore I rarely blog anymore, because I forgot all of them. Yet, there are stuffs that I can never tell anyone, and they're still here, within me. That's why I typed this post out, so that I can finally put them into rest. Heh.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
One last thing before I really went to my slumber, was that...
I love you.
I really do love you.
Even though you're a fabricated fantasy of mine, or anyone who will probably not grow into my kind of fantasy...
I love you.
Because of you I managed to feel the sweetness that I couldn't feel from anyone else, and the kindness that I couldn't feel from anyone else...
I guess I never loved anyone else except for you.
You are the unrequited love that I've been aching my heart at, and the beauty that I've always been looking at.
Nobody else can take over your position.
I've tried not to think of you when I really get a lover, but I guess that's what stopped me from moving on.
The shapeshifter in my mind, I love you.
But you are not real, therefore I cannot love you even though I really do.
Heh.
But otherwise... I love you.
The real one.
That will never return my feelings as I harbor for you.
Heh. Heheheh. Heh.
Many things happened.
I couldn't even put them into words anymore.
The stories are just too long for me to even put it in a single post.
I've been constantly updating my own FB status that I don't feel a need to vent in this place anymore...
...but it's not really that, I guess.
I've made all my problems as general as they are, not turning my fingers onto anyone specific. It's not that I want to keep them a secret, it's more like... I don't want to hurt anybody in specific, or make myself a target for them to hate on.
But guess what? It doesn't work if that's the case, 'cause there will still be people venting about me. *snickers*
I wanted them - all those that read the statuses - to realize their problems and actually KNOW when to not cross my line... but all they do were just "Was it me? Speak it already!"
Pffft.
If you THINK it's you (even though sometimes it's not you, or anyone at all), then CHANGE already. CHANGE so that I don't HATE you.
But no, people decided to go ask questions instead of changing for the better. -sigh-
Well, that's that. What's done is done. I cannot ask for more, don't I? *shrugs*
= = =
Many things happened, as so I've said.
My feelings never changed towards everything around me.
My love for a certain one.
My hatred for a certain place.
My dream to a certain place.
My hope to a certain group of people.
Never changed.
And so was the disappointments.
I thought I got over them already, but it never did.
I thought I can get over with my feelings, but it just keep on creeping back into me.
So one day, I decided...
I gave up on giving up on my feelings.
I shall embrace them, and let them to merge with me.
I will not let them advance, but I can't force them out.
So I'll wait, until one day... something change.
I will face all of them, but I won't actively face all of them.
I'll face them when it comes.
But for now, let them sleep. Let them hide beneath this mask.
Let me continue this facade a little longer.
Let me out of trouble a little longer.
Let me enjoy this... a little longer.
= = = = = = = = = =
I have confessions to make. In fact, I have a lot.
1. I would be glad to harbor your hatred onto me. I will not escape, and I will not let your hatred to land on any of my cared ones.
2. I am not as confident as you may think I am. I may boast about my abilities, but I never thought that they can get to somewhere far in reality.
3. I may be brave, but in reality, I would rather run away than to face them.
4. I do not fear death, but I fear meaningless death... like, car accidents that happens because I'm careless and it should not happen.
5. I am... some sort of a mental-masochist. While I do not enjoy pain to my physical body, I am able to embrace pain to my inner heart. Not by insulting me, but by agonizing me. Not by disgusting me, but by saddening me. It's like, I would enjoy sad endings, even though I prefer happy endings... but it's the sadness that is beautiful. That kind.
6. I am callous. I do not care about people. Yet I empathize with people. I understand their pain and I would cry in their stead. It was the weirdest clash within me, and I do not understand which part of it is real.
7. I am scared of myself. I am scared of myself being able to hurt the others. I am scared when I hurt the others. I am scared when I induced fear onto innocent children. It happened once, and it never happen again.
8. I am a twisted kind of person. It's not the fact like people like gore and like killing, it's the kind of mindset that I have. In front of people I'm a saint, behind the people I'm a devil. I wished for world's peace, and yet I do not care when a person die. I'm a hypocrite, yet I am not one. If I have to reason this out, it's because it's the nature, the karma, and the cycle of life that all of these happened. However, war and pollution should not happen. It is not part of the karma - rather, it's people building bad karma with war and pollution, therefore increasing their length of payment before they can even pay. Therefore I do not believe in war, but I'm ok with people dying because that's their payment.
9. I love to justify one thing - in fact, I justifies EVERYTHING that I can. About myself, about my own reasoning, about one person's faults, about why a person does this and that, about why a person commits crime... etc. I try to find the good points of everyone before I find/talk about the bad ones.
10. Yet, I resort to complain about every single bad things I come across after that. I guess I'm no different than those people that I am disgusted on, for I am disgusted of my own self.
11. I never felt the right to complain, and I have always been suppressing my own negative thoughts. I have always thought that there's people that's worse than my own experiences, therefore I shouldn't complain... but it pains me to suppress all these things. It hurts. Yet I couldn't find a soul to complain to, because my problem, as to compared to theirs, are worthless. Therefore even when I'm complaining, I'm suppressing. Because I'm not the worst. Just because of that. And it really hurts.
12. My own agony came from how good and how well my family was. Just because of that, I have to compel with their rules, because "I should have nothing to complain of" from this kind of family and upbringing. Yet, this is the root of my agony. I seemed to have freedom, but the chain came from where "I cannot complain anything at all"... and this chain is my family indeed.
13. I tend to forget my troubles after I speak about them - in any platforms at all. Therefore I rarely blog anymore, because I forgot all of them. Yet, there are stuffs that I can never tell anyone, and they're still here, within me. That's why I typed this post out, so that I can finally put them into rest. Heh.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
One last thing before I really went to my slumber, was that...
I love you.
I really do love you.
Even though you're a fabricated fantasy of mine, or anyone who will probably not grow into my kind of fantasy...
I love you.
Because of you I managed to feel the sweetness that I couldn't feel from anyone else, and the kindness that I couldn't feel from anyone else...
I guess I never loved anyone else except for you.
You are the unrequited love that I've been aching my heart at, and the beauty that I've always been looking at.
Nobody else can take over your position.
I've tried not to think of you when I really get a lover, but I guess that's what stopped me from moving on.
The shapeshifter in my mind, I love you.
But you are not real, therefore I cannot love you even though I really do.
Heh.
But otherwise... I love you.
The real one.
That will never return my feelings as I harbor for you.
Heh. Heheheh. Heh.
I am so twisted.
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