I Just Graduated!

Insert: My 5-Star Playlist of Greatness <3

Omedetou to myself 8'DDD

I dunno why I decided to write something here today buuuuuuuut here I am XD

Well, I have no ideas what to write here...
Or rather, how to really start...

Well.

Many, many things have happened.

I laughed. I cried. I'm hurt. I'd hurt. I rose. I fallen.

I...

Suddenly that one big obstacle just disappeared in my life and I don't really know what to do next.

People told me that I should rest, but what should I do while I'm resting?
How long should I rest?
I have been resting, and it's been quite a long while.

Well, at least, right now, I'm able to play, to have fun, and to enjoy my life and catch up with whatever that I couldn't before... which is a lie, 'cause, I CAN always enjoy them and do what I want to do at the same time. I procrastinated - even my own enjoyment. It was funny, even until now. It's not like I don't have the time, it's more like, I don't feel like doing it.

But one thing that I really want to do, and I didn't got the time to do, was to listen to songs.
New and old.
Good and bads... actually the bads can go one side but, I always have this thing about "potential songs" and how to make them better.

Hmm.

Maybe I can try rearranging them? 0w0

Yeah. I could add that to my list of things that I want to do. Kek.

= = =

Aside from that, what else I want to do?
A lot, actually, that it peaks at 11 major things that I wanna do - that I've been wanting to do.

Funny thing is, I don't know how to feel about gaming anymore.

Sure, leveling up my Disgaea characters have been a thing... but after 2 hours of doing the same thing? Nah. =v=

What about Dragon Nest? I shrugs, because I don't really feel like looking at the lagging screen and fighting... the same bosses. I can read up their plots in wikias too so... doesn't really matter to me anymore, about everything. One thing that I used to take enjoyment was about earning money. When it's NOT about earning money, I'm not quite sure what I really want to do in Dragon Nest. Quite odd, this is. :/

What about the rest of the games that I left behind? That I didn't get to finish them? Well, Mass Effect 2... I'm actually stuck at one of that super difficult mission that I just went and "nah, not gonna do this =v=;;;" I mean, I'm too tired to continue that, tho I want to finish that and move onto ME3 OTL|||

I'm still waiting for Legacy of the Void to come out tho. And Dungeon Keeper THE NEW VERSION which I forgot its name OTL||| I've always loved strategy games, and it's been quite challenging sometimes. Hahahahahahahaahah whatamIdoingwithmylife. OTL||| I can strategy here but I don't like strategy-ing in real life @w@

What other games? RPGs take too much of my time to level up so I actually don't prefer them anymore... =v= I mean, graphics, sounds, etc. are nice and all but, I prefer to "play games" that are more "free"... like, whatever you can do with RPing, y'know? That's another kind of "game" for me but... I can't really continue with my community anymore *sigh* I just hoped that I can get another free place to start everything over and shit. =v=;;;

Oh well. OTL|||

MaybeIshouldgoback.

= = =

Gamings aside, I've been wanting to draw 0v0

But. My inspirations are hitting the ground and I have no idea where to start with OTL|||

Then I wanted to write as well.

Maybe I should restart my "Kagura" Project (yes, it's now an independent series 'cause I think using DMC as its title name is kind of weird... don'tcha think? =v=;;;)

And all the other one-shots about Yuri and stuffs... hmmm. But not much things came out from this brain for now. It wants to make music more than anything else *sigh*

I mean, sure, making music is great but, I want to go back to my previous hobbies and not just revolve around making music...

OR I can start making music until I'm bored with it THEN I can go back to my previous hobbies 8D

Yeah. That should do it. <3

Lemme just start rearranging all those bad shits MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *shot*

Ohandcoveringsongsweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 8'D

= = =

Exercising is a must. I need to diet and I need to stamina-gain. D<
I can't let everything to stay as it is OTL|||
Gotta go to those Idol things and score 'em =w=)b *shotshotshot* (where this confidence came from oi =A=;;;)

Also.

I want to get a girlfriend.

Goddammit I WANT A GIRLFRIEND D<

WHY THAT WOMAN HAS ONE AND I DON'T HAVE ANY.

Am I unattractive? *sigh*
I swear I have good looks oi :/
Am I being too confident about myself then? 8'D

Oh well.

In any ways, I need a new romance so that I can forget all those bad ones.
That I felt guilty about, that I felt miserable about. *sigh*

Gimme my chance oi. =A=
I'm not a bad person, I deserve at least something oi. =A=;;;

*sigh*

= = =

I couldn't forget all those things that I've done.
I couldn't forget all those emotions that I felt.
I couldn't forget all of those people's faces.

Seeing them being happy and I'm not distorts my heart as well.
Like, wtf?
I'm a better person than they are but I don't get this?
Then again...

I'm not.

I'm... a very pathetic person. =v=

Meh.

I don't deserve love probably OTL|||

Still, I'm quite envious of their relationships.

And when I think of my own, it does nothing but leaving me a battered heart and soul.

For years, and perhaps years to come...

Have nobody attempted to get to know the real me?
To get close to me?
Really?
Am I that bad a character?
Did I push them away unconsciously???

Or was it because of this particular woman that I'm still having feelings of?
That everybody just sort of thought that we're together?

WE'RE NOT DAMMIT.

SO HELP ME GET RID OF THIS FEELING ALREADY. D<

Goddammit OTL|||

= = =

And so, my life after graduation have just begun =v=

I hope that my future is gonna be brighter and I can find some lights...

Lights...

Hmmm.

Where?

Hopefully I can still go to Japan - not as a traveler, but as a student... as a worker...

I didn't forget the noble quest of mine - to learn, and to teach.

But can I do that?

Hmmmmmmm.

I need to get a teaching cert too. Meh :/

Ohwell. <w< >w>

Thoughts. Thoughts. Thoughts...

Insert: Uso no Koi

以前的我可能太过于大胆，什么都敢做。
想着，反正这个地方呆不长久，得罪了人可以逃之夭夭，不理不睬。

现在反而羞愧了起来，学到了很多事情，不敢再以自己觉得无所谓的方式去实行很多东西。

但是，有些事情依然不平衡。

所以每一次都让自己觉得“可能这是我前世欠他的“。这样想，有时候觉得什么不平衡的东西都能行得通。但是理性的脑袋依然要想：这样对自己公平吗？自己不会像个白痴一样吗？

说是这么说，我依然不敢去索取我真正想要的平衡。这样反而觉得自己太自私。所以每一次只是嘴巴上讲讲，随兴地倾诉/埋怨心理的不平衡，然后就算了。有时还会记得，但也只能等着时间把它给冲淡，化为无。

想要去索求，不敢去追求，索性地漂流。。。

脑海里的声音，依然轻声地问着：这样子，好吗？


这样子，真的好吗？

= = =

喜欢看着你的背影，慢慢离我而去。
喜欢看着你的手指，纤细又强硬。
喜欢看着你的头发，深黑的魅力。

无可否认，这无法自拔的感情。

笑而不语，在背后默默的付出。
不说不提，对于你的感情。
谈笑风生，与你像哥儿们地相处。

但毕竟自己是个大人，有时会还是有冲动。
可以控制；难以控制。
这样可以持续到何时?

想对你索取，但对你公平吗？

不公平。不公平。

不公平的是自己，还是你？

= = =

Chinese is really an amazing language.
It's simply just beautify every single thoughts in your mind.
Everything seemed very deep after the right usage of the language.

Then again, perhaps all languages are the same.

Still, I find Chinese very beautiful, but really hard to grasp.
To learn different types and ways to talk about the same one thing is simply difficult to understand.

Deep. Very deep indeed.

= = =

过了很久，还是觉得很对不起你。
夺走了你最重要的东西。

但是，我无法同情你。

是你自己无法明白道理。
是你自己无法明白事理。
你把罪推到我身上来，我不是不知道，我只是不理。
我甚至什么都不想说，也不想再贬低你。
但是当其他人说了，已经不关系到自己。

好好的去想吧，好好的往前走吧。
只要你一天还停留在这个圈圈，无论如何你是无法得到你要的东西。
你只会失去更多贵重的东西。
我没有和你抢过什么，也没有亲自去夺走你之后的什么。
你怎么认为我的为人，其他人是怎样的为人，也就只有你自己能够去明白。
是真是假，是对是否，没有人能够对你说。
只有你自己才能去找到答案。

好好地去想吧。
别再回来这个不属于你的框框了。
我已经决定要走了，你一个人还待在那儿吗？

去造新的框框吧。

= = =

I have hurt a lot of people.
Even thought I did not cause bloodshed, I felt as if my hands are filled with blood.
The scars that I inflicted on people, they are as if having knives cutting through their throats.

Yet I tried to redeem myself - it's a failure, I can see that.
Did I stop trying? Maybe.
But I can't.

For I have hurt so many people, I will hurt myself in return.
If this is redemption, then so be it.

If I can't take it, who else will?

Many Things Have Happened...

Insert: REAL (feat. Cyua)

Many things happened.

I couldn't even put them into words anymore.

The stories are just too long for me to even put it in a single post.

I've been constantly updating my own FB status that I don't feel a need to vent in this place anymore...

...but it's not really that, I guess.

I've made all my problems as general as they are, not turning my fingers onto anyone specific. It's not that I want to keep them a secret, it's more like... I don't want to hurt anybody in specific, or make myself a target for them to hate on.

But guess what? It doesn't work if that's the case, 'cause there will still be people venting about me. *snickers*

I wanted them - all those that read the statuses - to realize their problems and actually KNOW when to not cross my line... but all they do were just "Was it me? Speak it already!"

Pffft.

If you THINK it's you (even though sometimes it's not you, or anyone at all), then CHANGE already. CHANGE so that I don't HATE you.

But no, people decided to go ask questions instead of changing for the better. -sigh-

Well, that's that. What's done is done. I cannot ask for more, don't I? *shrugs*

= = =

Many things happened, as so I've said.

My feelings never changed towards everything around me.

My love for a certain one.

My hatred for a certain place.

My dream to a certain place.

My hope to a certain group of people.

Never changed.

And so was the disappointments.

I thought I got over them already, but it never did.

I thought I can get over with my feelings, but it just keep on creeping back into me.

So one day, I decided...

I gave up on giving up on my feelings.

I shall embrace them, and let them to merge with me.

I will not let them advance, but I can't force them out.

So I'll wait, until one day... something change.

I will face all of them, but I won't actively face all of them.

I'll face them when it comes.

But for now, let them sleep. Let them hide beneath this mask.

Let me continue this facade a little longer.

Let me out of trouble a little longer.

Let me enjoy this... a little longer.

= = = = = = = = = =

I have confessions to make. In fact, I have a lot.

1. I would be glad to harbor your hatred onto me. I will not escape, and I will not let your hatred to land on any of my cared ones.

2. I am not as confident as you may think I am. I may boast about my abilities, but I never thought that they can get to somewhere far in reality.

3. I may be brave, but in reality, I would rather run away than to face them.

4. I do not fear death, but I fear meaningless death... like, car accidents that happens because I'm careless and it should not happen.

5. I am... some sort of a mental-masochist. While I do not enjoy pain to my physical body, I am able to embrace pain to my inner heart. Not by insulting me, but by agonizing me. Not by disgusting me, but by saddening me. It's like, I would enjoy sad endings, even though I prefer happy endings... but it's the sadness that is beautiful. That kind.

6. I am callous. I do not care about people. Yet I empathize with people. I understand their pain and I would cry in their stead. It was the weirdest clash within me, and I do not understand which part of it is real.

7. I am scared of myself. I am scared of myself being able to hurt the others. I am scared when I hurt the others. I am scared when I induced fear onto innocent children. It happened once, and it never happen again.

8. I am a twisted kind of person. It's not the fact like people like gore and like killing, it's the kind of mindset that I have. In front of people I'm a saint, behind the people I'm a devil. I wished for world's peace, and yet I do not care when a person die. I'm a hypocrite, yet I am not one. If I have to reason this out, it's because it's the nature, the karma, and the cycle of life that all of these happened. However, war and pollution should not happen. It is not part of the karma - rather, it's people building bad karma with war and pollution, therefore increasing their length of payment before they can even pay. Therefore I do not believe in war, but I'm ok with people dying because that's their payment.

9. I love to justify one thing - in fact, I justifies EVERYTHING that I can. About myself, about my own reasoning, about one person's faults, about why a person does this and that, about why a person commits crime... etc. I try to find the good points of everyone before I find/talk about the bad ones.

10. Yet, I resort to complain about every single bad things I come across after that. I guess I'm no different than those people that I am disgusted on, for I am disgusted of my own self.

11. I never felt the right to complain, and I have always been suppressing my own negative thoughts. I have always thought that there's people that's worse than my own experiences, therefore I shouldn't complain... but it pains me to suppress all these things. It hurts. Yet I couldn't find a soul to complain to, because my problem, as to compared to theirs, are worthless. Therefore even when I'm complaining, I'm suppressing. Because I'm not the worst. Just because of that. And it really hurts.

12. My own agony came from how good and how well my family was. Just because of that, I have to compel with their rules, because "I should have nothing to complain of" from this kind of family and upbringing. Yet, this is the root of my agony. I seemed to have freedom, but the chain came from where "I cannot complain anything at all"... and this chain is my family indeed.

13. I tend to forget my troubles after I speak about them - in any platforms at all. Therefore I rarely blog anymore, because I forgot all of them. Yet, there are stuffs that I can never tell anyone, and they're still here, within me. That's why I typed this post out, so that I can finally put them into rest. Heh.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

One last thing before I really went to my slumber, was that...

I love you.

I really do love you.

Even though you're a fabricated fantasy of mine, or anyone who will probably not grow into my kind of fantasy...

I love you.

Because of you I managed to feel the sweetness that I couldn't feel from anyone else, and the kindness that I couldn't feel from anyone else...

I guess I never loved anyone else except for you.

You are  the unrequited love that I've been aching my heart at, and the beauty that I've always been looking at.

Nobody else can take over your position.

I've tried not to think of you when I really get a lover, but I guess that's what stopped me from moving on.

The shapeshifter in my mind, I love you.

But you are not real, therefore I cannot love you even though I really do.

Heh.

But otherwise... I love you.

The real one.

That will never return my feelings as I harbor for you.

Heh. Heheheh. Heh.

I am so twisted.

I will come to you, my love...

Insert: Anata ni deawanakereba ~ Natsuyuki Fuyuhana ~ (by Aimer)

I guess... there's nothing else left in Malaysia that I have ties to.
Of course, my families aside, I guess there's nothing else much that's chaining me down.
I have received the key to my locks, and I will free myself when I'm fully prepared.

In one year's time.

In one year's time...
I will take up Jap lessons, and go teach more kids.
I'll take up drum exams, and I'll write more songs.
I'll get the right accommodations, and I'll look around for one last time.

My stage is not here - not today.
I will be back in 10 years time... if I can make it that far.
If I can't - at least I tried, and at least I did something that's worthy.
One that's part of my dream, and I'm just one step closer in realizing it.

Yes. I will make my dream came true.

Of course, the reason within the dream changed - but the final destination will still be there.

Japan.

I will come for you.

I will.

No. I must.

There's nothing else left in here.

Until then, I shall be ready to finish my challenges in this place.
I'll get more money and buy that...

YES.

I NEED MONEY TO BUY THAT TOO.

First - KONTAKT.
Then - all within SPITFIRE AUDIO.

But if I'm so greedy, I probably couldn't last for only 1 year :/

Hmm. I'm gonna find some alternatives...

BUT I'M DEFINITELY GETTING THE HZ01!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love them taiko sounds <3<3<3

Ok. My mind is set.

I'm gonna save up money.

I need at least RM6000 for this year...damn that's gonna be hard. OTL|||

Oh well. Time to work FOR MOAR. >DDD

OHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I Have Something to Tell You...

Insert: Hajimete no Koi ga Owaru Toki (Choucho cover)

Ok. I've think all over and I know what's the reason for telling you all of that.

I've been thinking, that, the letter has been tying you down... maybe.
'cause, I asked, for you not to, erm, leave? Something like that?
But... you know what?

It's actually harder for me to cope with it.

Sure, you've been a great friend but...

My feelings just can't be stopped and I have no idea why.

That's why sometimes I'm very cold to you, or very... I don't know, sarcastic?

I'm trying not to show what I really feel, 'cause it might really... uh, disgust you, maybe.
Or creep you out.

I mean, I really... do...

Then again, I tried myself not to, and something just conflicted within myself.
So.
Things just happened, and I... I just hurt you more and does more than I wished.
So...

So I'm asking you, again, that you would... disregard everything that's in that letter.
'cause I truly regret in writing those words down.

I do not want you to be tied down because of those words.
And if you really do want to leave, please... just... yeah.

You don't need to care about how I feel, 'cause it's actually easier for me to cope with it.

Maybe I'll ask "why don't you care?!" but after some while, I might feel better.
It's bitter, but it's better this way.

After all, I'm more used to this than being used to the uncertainties that would happen.

My feelings, I will keep to myself.
I'll contain them with whatever I could, and perhaps no one can change how I feel.

But...

I hope that you keep true to your own, and ask yourself... think...

If...

If you...

If you do care for me as just a friend would do...

Then...

"Deatta, yokatta... Kimi ga... suki..."

*smiles*

I guess, that's rare enough XDDD

Maa maa maa, I've been thinking too much. Sorry HAHAHA XD

And, after all, I don't think there's a need for me to be around anymore.
It's fine for me to leave this place as soon as possible. =3
There's nothing else that I should be concerned about in this place...

= = =

*cough* I'm not even sure if I have the courage to let you read this *LAUGHS*

After all, you're a super sensitive fox. =v=;;;

Are you serious, or not?

Insert: Kyle Landry's Compositions

A lot of times, I've been thinking...

"You're not serious, right?"

'cause a lot of times, whatever we said, whatever we want to do, it sounds like a joke to me.
Or a very unplanned shit that will never happen in the future...
Or something so insignificant that will be forgotten...

I did not.

I cannot.

But when someone started to lost their fire, mine died as well.

= = =

You said you wanted to cosplay this and that, but how many have you SAID but want to really work on it and do it?

You said you wanted to do some videos, but how much did you actually put into thoughts and actually plan them out?

You said you wanted to do a lot of stuffs, but how far and deep can you concentrate on that without being sidetracked?

You said I can do this and that, but are you mocking/teasing my skills or you really mean it?

So many things that have been said, but... I only listen. I take no serious consideration, even though I really thought of plans for what that has been said... so yes, I was serious, for that moment, and then...

I noticed that there's no fire in there.

What for should I be serious on it too?

= = =

So many works that needed to be done.
I really thought that I can finish them alone... but the world does not work that way.

Humans are funny things - they need to "cooperate" with each other in order to achieve some sort of goal... why?

Why must humans need each other? Why can't they just be... alone... Independent... Do shits alone...
Why can't we be like, erm, snakes? (Is that a good example?)
I mean, snakes, uh, hunt and live mostly by themselves... isn't it?

Why can't we be like them?

Is it because of the skill slots are allocated differently for everyone that's why we need to cooperate in order to do something that we don't know and... shits?

Still, why can't a human live on their own?
Like, hermits?
It's possible right?

At least in that way, you don't need to worry if the people you're "cooperating with" is serious, or not.
There's only you, and only you.

Yesyes, it'll be boring and lonely... but hey, what's better?
Be disappointed, or be lonely?

Both are equally bad, actually... but loneliness might ensure your survival rate, since... well, you'll learn to be independent... or you'll just commit suicide because, well, you're lonely. :/

Other than that, I see no qualms in it... I guess?

= = =

So yeah.
Rants.
More rants.
About seriousness and shits.

Oh well.

Nothing's interesting in this world anymore. =v=

Everyone's just... living their life, like, following the flow~
What's the catch on it?
A steady life? With entertainments and shits?

I have a dream, but how many can get my seriousness in it?

-sigh-

Oh well. |3

Wordless Bitterness

Insert: Going Under (by Evanescence)

You.

You do NOT trust me.

You do NOT trust my judgment.

You do NOT trust my judgment and my words.

I have explained, and yet you do not understand.

Which part of my English do you not understand?
Which part of "this is not aimed at you" do you not understand?

Yes, I do meant to shoot you - I really do.
But this one is clearly not about you.

You felt it, because I've told you.
I've told you, in a different platform.
I've told you, in a different way.
I've told you, that this is in a whole entirely different situation.

Though similar, it's DIFFERENT.

DIFFERENT.

Yes, you're hurt.
Maybe I am sorry, but I will not take back my words.

Because I am true to my own statement.

Still, it hurts and frustrates me that you do not understand.

*takes a deep breath, and sighs*

Never mind.

Perhaps the next time, I'll keep everything to myself.
Maybe in that way, you will not get hurt any longer.

= = = = = = = = = = =

[ In A General View ]

You see, this is why previous/current relationships failed, including family and friends.

Because often, the truths are... hurtful.

But if you can get through that, maybe things will get better.
If you can actually take my words, digest the bitterness, you might find that it's good for you.
And you will change for the better.

= = = = = = = = = = =

[ As An Entertainer/Audience ]

I might not be able to live up to my own expectation, but I certainly hoped the others could.

It's my own selfishness to want the others to advance and give me a better entertainment - for I am the ultimate audience of the whole show.

I want: The best show in the world.

That's why I give critics, in hopes of making the whole quality better for people to enjoy.
Who cares if I can advance or not - I want to be an audience.

An audience that knows what I myself want and in the best shape ever.

= = = = = = = = = = =

[ In the end... ]

So yeah. If you can take my words and transform it as a Skill +1, it'll be great for everyone.

If you can't, then... I shall not speak anymore, if you do not wished for it.

I shall keep it, and be bitter about it forever, by myself.



For I know that there's a way to make it better, but no one wants to listen to it.