Many Things Have Happened...

Insert: REAL (feat. Cyua)

Many things happened.

I couldn't even put them into words anymore.

The stories are just too long for me to even put it in a single post.

I've been constantly updating my own FB status that I don't feel a need to vent in this place anymore...

...but it's not really that, I guess.

I've made all my problems as general as they are, not turning my fingers onto anyone specific. It's not that I want to keep them a secret, it's more like... I don't want to hurt anybody in specific, or make myself a target for them to hate on.

But guess what? It doesn't work if that's the case, 'cause there will still be people venting about me. *snickers*

I wanted them - all those that read the statuses - to realize their problems and actually KNOW when to not cross my line... but all they do were just "Was it me? Speak it already!"

Pffft.

If you THINK it's you (even though sometimes it's not you, or anyone at all), then CHANGE already. CHANGE so that I don't HATE you.

But no, people decided to go ask questions instead of changing for the better. -sigh-

Well, that's that. What's done is done. I cannot ask for more, don't I? *shrugs*

= = =

Many things happened, as so I've said.

My feelings never changed towards everything around me.

My love for a certain one.

My hatred for a certain place.

My dream to a certain place.

My hope to a certain group of people.

Never changed.

And so was the disappointments.

I thought I got over them already, but it never did.

I thought I can get over with my feelings, but it just keep on creeping back into me.

So one day, I decided...

I gave up on giving up on my feelings.

I shall embrace them, and let them to merge with me.

I will not let them advance, but I can't force them out.

So I'll wait, until one day... something change.

I will face all of them, but I won't actively face all of them.

I'll face them when it comes.

But for now, let them sleep. Let them hide beneath this mask.

Let me continue this facade a little longer.

Let me out of trouble a little longer.

Let me enjoy this... a little longer.

= = = = = = = = = =

I have confessions to make. In fact, I have a lot.

1. I would be glad to harbor your hatred onto me. I will not escape, and I will not let your hatred to land on any of my cared ones.

2. I am not as confident as you may think I am. I may boast about my abilities, but I never thought that they can get to somewhere far in reality.

3. I may be brave, but in reality, I would rather run away than to face them.

4. I do not fear death, but I fear meaningless death... like, car accidents that happens because I'm careless and it should not happen.

5. I am... some sort of a mental-masochist. While I do not enjoy pain to my physical body, I am able to embrace pain to my inner heart. Not by insulting me, but by agonizing me. Not by disgusting me, but by saddening me. It's like, I would enjoy sad endings, even though I prefer happy endings... but it's the sadness that is beautiful. That kind.

6. I am callous. I do not care about people. Yet I empathize with people. I understand their pain and I would cry in their stead. It was the weirdest clash within me, and I do not understand which part of it is real.

7. I am scared of myself. I am scared of myself being able to hurt the others. I am scared when I hurt the others. I am scared when I induced fear onto innocent children. It happened once, and it never happen again.

8. I am a twisted kind of person. It's not the fact like people like gore and like killing, it's the kind of mindset that I have. In front of people I'm a saint, behind the people I'm a devil. I wished for world's peace, and yet I do not care when a person die. I'm a hypocrite, yet I am not one. If I have to reason this out, it's because it's the nature, the karma, and the cycle of life that all of these happened. However, war and pollution should not happen. It is not part of the karma - rather, it's people building bad karma with war and pollution, therefore increasing their length of payment before they can even pay. Therefore I do not believe in war, but I'm ok with people dying because that's their payment.

9. I love to justify one thing - in fact, I justifies EVERYTHING that I can. About myself, about my own reasoning, about one person's faults, about why a person does this and that, about why a person commits crime... etc. I try to find the good points of everyone before I find/talk about the bad ones.

10. Yet, I resort to complain about every single bad things I come across after that. I guess I'm no different than those people that I am disgusted on, for I am disgusted of my own self.

11. I never felt the right to complain, and I have always been suppressing my own negative thoughts. I have always thought that there's people that's worse than my own experiences, therefore I shouldn't complain... but it pains me to suppress all these things. It hurts. Yet I couldn't find a soul to complain to, because my problem, as to compared to theirs, are worthless. Therefore even when I'm complaining, I'm suppressing. Because I'm not the worst. Just because of that. And it really hurts.

12. My own agony came from how good and how well my family was. Just because of that, I have to compel with their rules, because "I should have nothing to complain of" from this kind of family and upbringing. Yet, this is the root of my agony. I seemed to have freedom, but the chain came from where "I cannot complain anything at all"... and this chain is my family indeed.

13. I tend to forget my troubles after I speak about them - in any platforms at all. Therefore I rarely blog anymore, because I forgot all of them. Yet, there are stuffs that I can never tell anyone, and they're still here, within me. That's why I typed this post out, so that I can finally put them into rest. Heh.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

One last thing before I really went to my slumber, was that...

I love you.

I really do love you.

Even though you're a fabricated fantasy of mine, or anyone who will probably not grow into my kind of fantasy...

I love you.

Because of you I managed to feel the sweetness that I couldn't feel from anyone else, and the kindness that I couldn't feel from anyone else...

I guess I never loved anyone else except for you.

You are  the unrequited love that I've been aching my heart at, and the beauty that I've always been looking at.

Nobody else can take over your position.

I've tried not to think of you when I really get a lover, but I guess that's what stopped me from moving on.

The shapeshifter in my mind, I love you.

But you are not real, therefore I cannot love you even though I really do.

Heh.

But otherwise... I love you.

The real one.

That will never return my feelings as I harbor for you.

Heh. Heheheh. Heh.

I am so twisted.

I will come to you, my love...

Insert: Anata ni deawanakereba ~ Natsuyuki Fuyuhana ~ (by Aimer)

I guess... there's nothing else left in Malaysia that I have ties to.
Of course, my families aside, I guess there's nothing else much that's chaining me down.
I have received the key to my locks, and I will free myself when I'm fully prepared.

In one year's time.

In one year's time...
I will take up Jap lessons, and go teach more kids.
I'll take up drum exams, and I'll write more songs.
I'll get the right accommodations, and I'll look around for one last time.

My stage is not here - not today.
I will be back in 10 years time... if I can make it that far.
If I can't - at least I tried, and at least I did something that's worthy.
One that's part of my dream, and I'm just one step closer in realizing it.

Yes. I will make my dream came true.

Of course, the reason within the dream changed - but the final destination will still be there.

Japan.

I will come for you.

I will.

No. I must.

There's nothing else left in here.

Until then, I shall be ready to finish my challenges in this place.
I'll get more money and buy that...

YES.

I NEED MONEY TO BUY THAT TOO.

First - KONTAKT.
Then - all within SPITFIRE AUDIO.

But if I'm so greedy, I probably couldn't last for only 1 year :/

Hmm. I'm gonna find some alternatives...

BUT I'M DEFINITELY GETTING THE HZ01!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love them taiko sounds <3<3<3

Ok. My mind is set.

I'm gonna save up money.

I need at least RM6000 for this year...damn that's gonna be hard. OTL|||

Oh well. Time to work FOR MOAR. >DDD

OHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I Have Something to Tell You...

Insert: Hajimete no Koi ga Owaru Toki (Choucho cover)

Ok. I've think all over and I know what's the reason for telling you all of that.

I've been thinking, that, the letter has been tying you down... maybe.
'cause, I asked, for you not to, erm, leave? Something like that?
But... you know what?

It's actually harder for me to cope with it.

Sure, you've been a great friend but...

My feelings just can't be stopped and I have no idea why.

That's why sometimes I'm very cold to you, or very... I don't know, sarcastic?

I'm trying not to show what I really feel, 'cause it might really... uh, disgust you, maybe.
Or creep you out.

I mean, I really... do...

Then again, I tried myself not to, and something just conflicted within myself.
So.
Things just happened, and I... I just hurt you more and does more than I wished.
So...

So I'm asking you, again, that you would... disregard everything that's in that letter.
'cause I truly regret in writing those words down.

I do not want you to be tied down because of those words.
And if you really do want to leave, please... just... yeah.

You don't need to care about how I feel, 'cause it's actually easier for me to cope with it.

Maybe I'll ask "why don't you care?!" but after some while, I might feel better.
It's bitter, but it's better this way.

After all, I'm more used to this than being used to the uncertainties that would happen.

My feelings, I will keep to myself.
I'll contain them with whatever I could, and perhaps no one can change how I feel.

But...

I hope that you keep true to your own, and ask yourself... think...

If...

If you...

If you do care for me as just a friend would do...

Then...

"Deatta, yokatta... Kimi ga... suki..."

*smiles*

I guess, that's rare enough XDDD

Maa maa maa, I've been thinking too much. Sorry HAHAHA XD

And, after all, I don't think there's a need for me to be around anymore.
It's fine for me to leave this place as soon as possible. =3
There's nothing else that I should be concerned about in this place...

= = =

*cough* I'm not even sure if I have the courage to let you read this *LAUGHS*

After all, you're a super sensitive fox. =v=;;;

Are you serious, or not?

Insert: Kyle Landry's Compositions

A lot of times, I've been thinking...

"You're not serious, right?"

'cause a lot of times, whatever we said, whatever we want to do, it sounds like a joke to me.
Or a very unplanned shit that will never happen in the future...
Or something so insignificant that will be forgotten...

I did not.

I cannot.

But when someone started to lost their fire, mine died as well.

= = =

You said you wanted to cosplay this and that, but how many have you SAID but want to really work on it and do it?

You said you wanted to do some videos, but how much did you actually put into thoughts and actually plan them out?

You said you wanted to do a lot of stuffs, but how far and deep can you concentrate on that without being sidetracked?

You said I can do this and that, but are you mocking/teasing my skills or you really mean it?

So many things that have been said, but... I only listen. I take no serious consideration, even though I really thought of plans for what that has been said... so yes, I was serious, for that moment, and then...

I noticed that there's no fire in there.

What for should I be serious on it too?

= = =

So many works that needed to be done.
I really thought that I can finish them alone... but the world does not work that way.

Humans are funny things - they need to "cooperate" with each other in order to achieve some sort of goal... why?

Why must humans need each other? Why can't they just be... alone... Independent... Do shits alone...
Why can't we be like, erm, snakes? (Is that a good example?)
I mean, snakes, uh, hunt and live mostly by themselves... isn't it?

Why can't we be like them?

Is it because of the skill slots are allocated differently for everyone that's why we need to cooperate in order to do something that we don't know and... shits?

Still, why can't a human live on their own?
Like, hermits?
It's possible right?

At least in that way, you don't need to worry if the people you're "cooperating with" is serious, or not.
There's only you, and only you.

Yesyes, it'll be boring and lonely... but hey, what's better?
Be disappointed, or be lonely?

Both are equally bad, actually... but loneliness might ensure your survival rate, since... well, you'll learn to be independent... or you'll just commit suicide because, well, you're lonely. :/

Other than that, I see no qualms in it... I guess?

= = =

So yeah.
Rants.
More rants.
About seriousness and shits.

Oh well.

Nothing's interesting in this world anymore. =v=

Everyone's just... living their life, like, following the flow~
What's the catch on it?
A steady life? With entertainments and shits?

I have a dream, but how many can get my seriousness in it?

-sigh-

Oh well. |3

Wordless Bitterness

Insert: Going Under (by Evanescence)

You.

You do NOT trust me.

You do NOT trust my judgment.

You do NOT trust my judgment and my words.

I have explained, and yet you do not understand.

Which part of my English do you not understand?
Which part of "this is not aimed at you" do you not understand?

Yes, I do meant to shoot you - I really do.
But this one is clearly not about you.

You felt it, because I've told you.
I've told you, in a different platform.
I've told you, in a different way.
I've told you, that this is in a whole entirely different situation.

Though similar, it's DIFFERENT.

DIFFERENT.

Yes, you're hurt.
Maybe I am sorry, but I will not take back my words.

Because I am true to my own statement.

Still, it hurts and frustrates me that you do not understand.

*takes a deep breath, and sighs*

Never mind.

Perhaps the next time, I'll keep everything to myself.
Maybe in that way, you will not get hurt any longer.

= = = = = = = = = = =

[ In A General View ]

You see, this is why previous/current relationships failed, including family and friends.

Because often, the truths are... hurtful.

But if you can get through that, maybe things will get better.
If you can actually take my words, digest the bitterness, you might find that it's good for you.
And you will change for the better.

= = = = = = = = = = =

[ As An Entertainer/Audience ]

I might not be able to live up to my own expectation, but I certainly hoped the others could.

It's my own selfishness to want the others to advance and give me a better entertainment - for I am the ultimate audience of the whole show.

I want: The best show in the world.

That's why I give critics, in hopes of making the whole quality better for people to enjoy.
Who cares if I can advance or not - I want to be an audience.

An audience that knows what I myself want and in the best shape ever.

= = = = = = = = = = =

[ In the end... ]

So yeah. If you can take my words and transform it as a Skill +1, it'll be great for everyone.

If you can't, then... I shall not speak anymore, if you do not wished for it.

I shall keep it, and be bitter about it forever, by myself.



For I know that there's a way to make it better, but no one wants to listen to it.

想幸福的人

Insert: 想幸福的人 (by Rainie Yang)

“心裡的烏雲
眼角的祕密
來不及燃燒的感情
被流言給吹熄
轉身回到孤寂“

目前为止，我还没有有过这样的遭遇。。。
但是，很多人都很在意可能会有这样的遭遇，
封闭了自己。
封闭了幸福。

“生活的叢林
堅強的遊戲
在白天掏空了勇氣
在黑夜剩不平
不懂錯在哪裡“

的确，有时候真的觉得很无奈，不知所措。
也知道自己应该什么都不要做，会比较好。
但是，我终究很在意，很想做些什么。

“我不過是一個很想幸福的人
為什麼遇不到會生根的緣分
學著戒掉悲觀 負我的都不恨
讓心靈完整 美麗動人

還是一個人“

那一句“还是一个人”真得很贴切。
做了这么多，放下了许多，
终究还是不能找到一个真正的那一个，
爱自己的那一个。

也许是因为悲观是戒不了的吧。

“生活的叢林
堅強的遊戲
在白天掏空了勇氣
在黑夜剩不平
不懂錯在哪裡“

这一句话被重复得有重量。
过了这么多关卡，
用尽了许多的心身力，
还是得不到预期中的宝藏。

到底做错了什么？
没人知道。

“寂寞的當一個很想幸福的人
等待著一顆心接受我的坦誠“

明白自己从未对自己坦诚，
也明白有些事情不好坦诚。
但是还是很想找到一个完全理解我的人，

理解我的不坦诚，也理解我的内心最想要的，
能够逼我坦诚，比我坦诚，也能接受我的坦诚。

“懂得愛甜蜜中有苦澀的成分
會和我爭論 愛卻不磨損
沒有不信任“

我喜欢争论，有道理的争论，
因为这是互相交换想法而更接近一步理解对方的一个步骤。
但是，如那歌词所说的，爱不能够磨损。

如果我安静下来了，再也不说什么了，厌倦了，
那么，可能我不能够接受你那幼稚的想法，又或者它太偏激了，
又或者你根本没有站在别人的角度去思考一下，
反复的强调你才是对的。。。

我不能够平衡。

“我相信 當一個很想幸福的人
也必須是能夠讓人幸福的人
我不怕去付出 也肯承擔責任“

想付出，不能付出。
付出太多，可能会被厌烦。
付出太少，反而对自己不忠。

自己到底有没有这个资格，去付出？
人们能不能够接受到我赤裸裸的诚恳？

“溫暖的誠懇 溫柔的迷人
誰是那個人 能讓我沸騰“

我也许找到了，但是我能沸腾吗？
还是我又必须压抑着自己的情感，过这一段时间呢？
又再次当作无所谓，逼着自己把情感迁移他人或物？

“想幸福的人”

对，我只不过是想当个幸福的人。
但是，凡事都只能“想“而已。

很多人说，不要只是想，要去做。
你不做，愿望达成哪儿来？

如果只因为我的幸福而去害了他人，
这样的结果，不是我想要的。

我学会了，我遗憾了，我也懊恼了。

也从中，更加明白幸福是很难得到的，
不是说找到一个爱你的人就可以了。

我应该早一点理解这一个事实。

果然，有些事情，还真的只能够“想“，而不能去做。

For Her Sake

Insert: 4 Real (by Avril Lavigne)

I guess... I really should make a choice by now.
Whether I should leave her, or just stay by her side.
But really, what I really wanted was just...
I just want her to be happy.
I want to give her my best and help to shape her into the best.
So if she really rejected my feelings, I would still gladly stay by her side to see her being happy.
Or maybe... until she doesn't need me anymore.
Until she can finally stand on her own.

After hearing to all different point of views,
A lot of them said that there's a chance in this;
Even my heart told me that too.
But...

Somehow, at the same time, I knew that it might not work out.
After all, maybe she really just view me as her master, and nothing else.
When that really happened, when she finally thought of that and told me that's her answer,
I guess I really would just... you know, smile and try to make her happy again...
I mean, like, how it was, you know?

So if she wished for me to stay by her side, I would gladly do so...
But I hope whatever she do really will not disappoint me.
'cause if she really did that, I would be very angry.
Very.
Like, when she decided not to tell me that she's taking composition.
I AM angry, because she doesn't trust me.
She thinks I would laugh at it, but I certainly will not because of some stupid reasons!
I will laugh, because I think it's very good.
I will smile, because I can't hold back my feelings of proudness of her.
But I would never look down on her just because she's doing this.
She's doing something great, and she really should know it.

Really.

I would help her out, but sometimes I really think that I did a little bit too much.
Will whatever that I'm doing make her to go down someday?
I feared to talk for her, even though I really wanted to do so.
I feared to do stuffs for her, because I know the consequences might not be good.
I should control myself not to be too overpowering her, and let her do what she wants instead.
Suggestions are good, helping her to improve is good, but...
I guess I should stop... interfering with her. -sigh-

But really, am I doing her good? Or I'm just dragging her down?
Honestly, did I really teach her anything?
I don't know. I really don't know.

I'm not sure if my presence is something that she should be glad to have.

-sigh-

Again, I just hope for her best.
If I am not the best for her, of course I should leave.
And maybe I would.
For her sake.