Is it possible for a Deceptive Love...?

Insert: Uso no Koi wa Dekiru kana...? (by myself)


The song has been there for a while - it's not a recent thing.
Well, it begun when I tried to write a song with lyrics for you, and...
The verse and the pre-chorus part just BAM, because they're already there.
But the chorus, I'm still struggling.

It just... doesn't fit.

Our love seemed to be sweet, but in truth, they're just like a fantasy:

"Too good to be true."

And as you always said to me, where you "wasn't sure if this is love, or just friendship".
Then you made me wonder about that myself...
Are you just another hole for me to get rid of my solitude, or you're really my love?
Have I been acting for too long that I'm acting as if I'm attracted to you?
Or they're actually very real...?

But I'm pretty sure those things I said in the PM before this week is real.

Very real.

But no, you're... unable to fulfill that.

The questions that I had in mind, the decision that I tried to make, everything is in that song.

Thanks to you, the chorus' lyrics finally made more sense and gave this song it's real purpose.
But of course, the chorus are just questions - they're still required to be answered.


Chorus is not in the preview, it's here:

= = = = = = =
= L y r i c s =
= = = = = = =

>>> Verse:
Moshi kimi to aenai nara, betsu no hito koishichatta no?
[If (I) haven't meet you, would (you/I) fall in love with another person?]

Moshi kimi wa kocchi konai de, kono sekai wa kawatteru no?
[If you did not appear, will this world be different/changed?]

>>> Pre-Chorus:
Gensou no kimochi you na; Uso mitai kara
[It's a feeling like a fantasy; It seemed so much a lie]
Shinjirarenai de, wakaranai de ii no kana?
[By not believing in it, by not understand it, would it be fine?]

Gensou no hibi you na, shiawase mitai kara
[The days seemed like fantasy, it seemed to be happiness]
Konna de tsuzukude nani mo kiku nai de ii no kana?
[Going on like this, without questioning it, would it be fine?]

>>> Chorus:

Can I don't care that this is not love (and say)
"Kimi to isshoni tsuzukete hoshii [I wanted to continue on with you]"
If I don't care that this is not love (and say)
"Zutto zutto kimi no soba ni ite [Forever and ever I will be by your side]"

Now I don't care, will you stay with me?
Ai wo nai koi wo tsuzukete [Continue a loveless relationship]

Konomama usotsuite [With this, (we'll/I'll) Keep on lying]
Dare mo tomenai de [Nobody can stop it/anything]
Kore dake shinjite [Just "believe" in this]
Dekiru kana...? [Is it possible...?]

Semester break, totally not cool

Insert: Party Knife (by Deftones)

So, August, it's semester break!
"Hurray!"
Everyone would say.
Me? I'm not too fond of it.

You would probably wonder "Why? You can do whatever you want!"

Point is: That's not really how it is.

= = =

:: Life At Home ::


So, you think life in semester break is fun? Nope.
I prefer life studying and chasing after homeworks and deadlines.

Though there's no much to play but at least I get to go out and see people I'd rather see and learn/do things that I'd rather do compare to being at this house, doing nothing much about my career-stuffs or my usual gaming stuffs or my relationship because my time is simply being disrupted more often because I had "holiday".

I somehow even prefer to go work now.
At least I have "excuse" to rest when I came back to the house.

While I have the so-called "free time", I actually has fewer "freedom time". Because of the "free-time", I'm bound to stay for my family to see "where I am" and "what am I doing" more often. AND because of the "free-time", they expect me to stay at home more often and help them out and stuffs and stuffs.

:: Social Life ::

Not much social life right now. Other than the fact that my mom expects me to stay at home and do nothing but listen to her if she needs any help, I can't really find my interest to go on for "social" stuffs. Did I just lost my interest, or did people made me lost my interest? Apparently, I really don't feel like "socializing" with people. Am I really not that type of person?

Maybe.

I really hate going out - going out means more money's gonna lose, more time and energy spent and less rest, but hey! I get to meet with friends, right? I'm not quite sure if that's something that I prefer to do. I'd rather stay at home and rest. (Unfortunately, that isn't really an option seeing how she "scheduled" my life now) That's why I "loved" to go out - it's to get out from this house that's bounded with chains. At least I felt in control of my life if I go out.

But... really?

Heck I don't think so. I'm so lost when I'm outside - I don't know what to do, I have no interest in movies, I have no interest in shopping, and I definitely had no interest in watching them talking about things that I might not know and only nodded because I wanted to be part of it. Seriously - I don't like group stuffs at all. I might like it at first, but I found that it's really taxing.

What have I been doing in the past few years with those group of people, really? Am I feeling happy? Perhaps. But now, I just don't want to relive them at all - not at all.

:: Relationship ::

"I feel like we're more like friends, than lovers. Recently."

I know this isn't supposed to be how it was - I mean, there's nothing negative about our relationship, and it's mostly positive - but I can slowly feel that it's dying, even without her telling me that today. Me - being me *rolls eyes* - assured her that maybe it's just recently, which I would love to believe it myself since I have so many things going on in my family currently. I can't be sure if it's her problem or my problem - maybe it's both, maybe it's neither. Still, I'm not quite sure if this can "revive" the passion that we both felt at first.

Maybe, it's just "time".

I would love to sleep through my problems and live afresh/anew when I wake up again (like I've always do towards all kinds of problems) - sadly, that isn't an option here. I'm not even sure if it will remain as this way if we both do something, or nothing. Confusing? Not really. Just don't know what to do.

But if we really ended up just like this, I guess it would be kind of nice, since there will be no quarrels, and no hard feelings - we both feel the same way, isn't it? Still, that means no more actions of affections anymore. Would both of us able to cope with that? I don't know.

Do I feel sad, really? I guess... Not really. But I am certainly troubled by my own thoughts indeed.

= = =

So many things happened in the beginning of August. I would love to conclude all of these as "unfortunate incidents". But, really? Is it because of destiny, or because it's man-made? Somethings cannot be explained, yet some could be. Some are what I should call as "Dai-Sei (Deserved it)", but some are like "What the fuck?".

I have no more thoughts on them - even if I do, they slowly just faded away because I'm still tired.

Actually, I'm more like "tired about everything".

Oh well, I'll just have to go play ME2 and see how that would change me. :/

It's been a while~

Insert: Watermelon Man (played by the practicing school band LOL)


WOW! It has been really a great while! THREE MONTHS MAN!!!
Ever since THAT post TROLOLOLOLOLOLOOO~~~ |DDD

Let's see, what happened in the past few months...?

= = =

Atashi to Secchan wa mada ii! TSUYOI DA YO!!! >DDD
Sugoi ne... Nantoka SYUUUU tte, mou Half Year da yo! 8DDD
Sugoi sugoi~~~


Yappari shiawase ne~~~ <3

= = =

My music is fine and well, and I had my song "Soar" performed.
However, I'm not pretty proud of it... it CAN be BETTER!
I mean, the practice is definitely better - no.
That last practice was PERFECT!!!


Sigh, oh well...


Oh, and here's the link to the performance:


I will be re-recording this song to it's PERFECTTTTTT D<


There's also a lot more songs I've written in this sem...
Fruitiful, indeed <333

= = =

Relationships/Friendship with the others...?
Hmmm...
Some good, some bad...


I don't really care much about the bad ones, so yeah. |D
Let them have fun - I'll just watch. |3

= = =

My nephew went to hospital to sew his wound...
Blahblahblah...
Shit just happened. :/
And more shits happened after that - my family is sick...
Well, except for me and my dad.
Sigh.
And my mom talked to me about a lot of things. -sigh-


Oh well. =3=;;;

= = =

And then... uhhh... Decided to continue some of my fictions...lolol. XDDD


And then... uhhh... WHAT ELSE?! DDD8


I think that's all? LOLOLOL XDDDDD
Can't remember :/


Oh well. |D

Swallows

Insert: Hemisphere [by Sakamoto Maaya]


Do you know how hard it was to swallow:
1) The bitter comments
2) The bitter thoughts
3) The bitter talks
4) Accusations


And I really disliked them.


Insults are always better than all of those, and they're the easiest to swallow.
Because insults happened everywhere, and everyone had their own hate.
Insults happened when its mostly true, too.


But accusations AREN'T.


They're accusations, they're fake implications on oneself.
As someone who honored truth in personalities, I feel deeply hurt by accusations.

You can insult me of being fat, lazy and useless in your own way; comment on my love for something that you think is stupid and meaningless; and talked about how sad your life or my life is and it's impossible to make them happen in a good way...


But to accuse me in eating all the foods in the fridge while I did not do so, is a HUGE offense.
I will FIGHT you 'til death to prove my own innocence, even though how I am MIGHT have a possibility in causing that.
However, it's the truth that I did not do that.


So NO.

= = =

This little simple sentence that makes me SO HARD to swallow, breaks my mood into pieces and I can immediately lose all senses to do normal things. So badly that I would break my drums, my PC, and my phone... if I can say "FUCK YOU" at the consequences. So of course, I thought about all of them, and swallowed all those destructive side of me down.


Have you ever considered how hard was that?


And they said that Aries easily gain heartattacks and whatsoever-strokes, I can fully connect myself towards that. They die because people angered them too much while they fully released their anger without control; I die because I control my anger.


Because one Aries does not simply ignore the angers.


They convert them into something else... and for most of the people, they work on things that they normally won't do, or wished to do for a long time, or simply do those stuffs that requires a huge load of energy, so that they can vent on.


Me?


I would hit on my drums, but that would my neighbors to file a lawsuit against me.
So I chose to vent on words.


If there's no words for me to do that at the moment...


Expect me to kick my chair and flip it upside-down, throw my phone or whatsoever.
But, if you can't call my phone at the moment, please do expect the worse.
Because I'll always prepare a back-up before I do that, since I know it's fragile.
Chair, however, isn't. And they're cheap. So yeah.


But I DO like the sound of destruction.


Because...

FUCK YOU.

Of course, I can't say that in public, so I'll just swallow them, and increase the meter...










But now, I just want to indulge myself in heartbreaking musics.

「崩れた、感情の果てに。。。」

Insert: Highschool of the Dead [Highschool of the Dead OP]


時々はね、やっぱり死んだ欲しい。


現実の痛み、やはり逃がされないだ。
こんなの時、全世界に壊したい。
こんなの時、自分を隠されたい。


だって、痛みが止まらない。


「ああ、じゃ、寝っての方がいいでしょう。」
そう思ったんだのに。。。
眠れないには解ってる。


だけど。


あれしか。。。ないだ。

「何を見る？何が在る？まだ知らない。。。」

やはり現実に見たくないだ。

すごく怖かった。

だから、寝ってよ。

= = =

頑張れよ、あたし。

起きたんだったら、まだ見えないの明日に頑張ろう。

続け続け続け！

絶対に負けないから。。。

自分に負けないから。。。！

The Best Week of November

Insert: Guns n' Roses [by Paradise Lunch, Baccano OP]


There's several things I wanted to touch in this month...waitno. This week LAWL!
It's just too amusing, and AMAZING for me. =3


Simply one of the best experience <3


Now, let me start...

= = =

:: Human Communication Presentation ::


I had HC Presentation this Thursday (24/11), so the whole week, including the weeks before that, I've been soooooooooo busy regarding the presentation AND the paperworks. But to be honest, I'm NOT worried at all.


Why?


1. I have the BEST TEAM of my whole life.


I'm not even KIDDING when I mentioned "Best Team". Team 5 compromise of me, Soon Ying Xi, Claudia Hwa, Ziyad, and Alvin. I'm very proud to say that I'm PROUD of every members in this group. They truly gave out all they had for the presentation. Though when we're preparing the paperwork and the slides, there's things going on here and there, but then at the end, everyone just BAM and it's just...perfect. <3


And the outcome...


2. I have NEVER had such a great Presentation in my WHOLE life.


I talked, like river flowing... I'm not thinking, I'm not stopping either! It just came, and there it happened! And the best part was, the slides were PERFECTLY prepared, and everyone were speechless by our presentation (yes, I DARE to say that! =D)


I have never been in such excitement for such a long time...


3. Even AFTER the presentation!


Yes. I am dedicated to write a blog-post for this memorable day, with my teammates. Helpful teammates... Seriously, it's been a long time--- no. I had NEVER had such great teammates before in my LIFE! I love all of them...maybe not the dudes. Since one smokes and another one didn't do much for the paperwork. Still... I respect for what they had done.


I'm just gonna give a shout-out to those honorable people here:

"THANK YOU YOU PEOPLE! YOU MADE MY LIFE WHOLE AGAIN! 8D"

4. Yeap. It was AWESHUM. <3

= = =

::  Contemporary Festival ::


Ohgod. The 2-days consecutive music-orgasm day... nonono. Not JUST my ears, but my body and soul are FILLED with musics! And I came to respect a lot of people because of their performances... =3 If I must name one, it would be Rebecca, the drummer. Though I don't really like the way she hits it (compare to other drummers with... weird antics, I must say LAWL!), I definitely respect the skills she had and the improvisations/ideas she had in mind =3


That aside...


1. I learned DAMN lot from the workshops.


I don't know why there's so few people around the corner but... I dare to say that the ticket fees definitely WORTH IT. From all of these workshops, I realized that, though most of them said almost the same things... one needs to LEARN how to do so, is pretty hard and requires a lot of stuffs within one self.


Let's say... Learning how to "Listen to the others" and "Respect their spaces".


Don't get it? Lemme tell you.


Listen to the others - refers to listening to what the others are playing. The dynamics, the flow, how many bars, the harmony, etc. Now while listening closely, you can based on them, and do your thing. Especially when one's soloing, you NEED to know when they're playing on some special things that you can help to add in - especially for the rhythm sections, those cues are important.


Respect their spaces - You do your thing, but you DON'T overcross the line/boundary in the harmony. What does that means? It means that... (especially while one's soloing), you do NOT play louder than the other instruments, and you must know what you can do to compliment and help in building up, not to force or being the leader or the one that wants to outshine instead. That occurred quite often in bands, where each of them wanted to show their skills and whatsoevernot. But then, they forgot about this, and they tend to blast their techniques all over the places...which I don't approve, and I don't get the music flow thanks to that. :/ and it's a quite famous Western band that did it, which I am deeply DISAPPOINT.


I wrote SO MUCH and learned SO MUCH from these workshops. I wrote a total of... 4 pages FULL of shtuffs from listening to them. Normal class couldn't even make me write them down. But these workshops are just...aweshum.


Though, note to self - never listen to the others on WHICH workshop you should go. Because I kind of disappointed when I went to the Ensemble Workshop and I SO wanted to go for the Bass Workshop, which I can ask more questions... DAMN! >A< If there's another Bass-related workshop, I'M GOING DDDDDDD<


2. Gonzalo Rubalcaba is my Inspiration.


Ohhhhhhyesbabeh. I dare to say this. There's NEVER a single musician is able to inspire me, but his workshop, definitely could. (Speaking of this, I SHOULD go and listen to Kajiura Yuki's songs and all those Final Fantasy songs and... mmmhmmm, let's just make them inspire me more from musics themselves ;3)


He thought me a lot of shtuffs, though some I already knew subconsciously but still, they're good shtuffs. I wrote 3 pages for HIS words, and he inspired me in how my new song SHOULD be =3 (which I was pretty confuzzled and headache of that piece @w@)


I note down A LOT of words that he spoke. Like...


"If you think of the things you wanted, you will find times for them. But if you don't think of them, you won't even do it."
>>> I thought a lot regarding this... it's so true. When you think of the things you wanted to do, you will naturally fix a time for it. But if you don't think of them at all, you forget about them, and you won't even do it.


"Need to spend time at least 5 - 10 minutes together in a family."
>>> Morale support is important, and it's important to let your family to know what you're doing and stuffs. Though I personally don't do this pretty much (because... haha. <w<) but I DO agree with this statement. (Just that, I didn't do it. OTL|||)


"Little simple things give you a bright moment and give you energy/support to continue."
>>> A simple nod, a simple hug, an acknowledgement... They're not much, but they drive you further indeed. =3


"Listen to people around you."
>>> Listen to people's thoughts - each and everyone had different conclusion in their mind regarding one situation. That includes the things that you did, and produced. It's important to listen to people's comments about the things you've done - whether if they're acceptable in the community, or they're not. Of course, it's not about "follow what people wanted", it's just to listen, and to improve. If you don't listen, you cannot improve. (But of course, listen wasn't just using your ears - read those comments includes in this as well. XD)


"Love is what fix everything."
>>> It's true. When you have love, you know how to accept things. You open your heart out and listen to them, listen to yourself. And if there's love, there will be no war, no hate... yeah, you got it ;3


"Let the music to surprise you, surprise yourself of what you can do."
>>> Follow the flow of the music, and let yourself to follow the music as you play and improvise... let them lead your play, and surprise your own self =3


"Tell a story in a more unique way. Forget what you have done before, try new things."
>>> Everyone tells the same story, but how to make it more interesting and more unique? This phrase is pretty important <3


"Respect the space of each one, and cooperate/learn how to pay together. Acceptance is important."
>>> You can only respect someone when you start to accept them? Hmmm... Though I agree both of them are VERY important in playing as a group, since you need to respect their playing, and accept their playing, in order to function as a team.


"We need to listen to each other. [Cut] We rehearse without these (amplifiers)."
>>> Remember: Amplifiers are only to project and amplify the sounds of the instruments. Still, they don't control your original-volume as you play. And to play as a group so to harmonize the whole band, is to listen to each of them. Without amplifiers, you learn to listen using their own original volume. As you proceed, you're able to control your own dynamics/volumes to match the other one. This is a way to improve your band-playing as well. (VERY IMPORTANT! >D)


Yyyyeap. All of his words... definitely worth the original price of RM50--- no. I don't even THINK that should be the extent of it. It worth even MORE than that! If you want me to pay RM100, I would SO go for it =3


After all those workshops...


3. MY FIRST TIME OUTDOOR CONCERT!!!


I have NEVER been into an outdoor concert before... And it was just amazing! Seeing the crowds having fun... wow. The first day, I memang HOT LIKE MAD! That wasn't the extent of the outdoor concert...


4. My first-time experience of LASER-ART!!!


It was simply AWESHUM! I dare to say that I'm so touch by its beauty that I nearly cried for the first time seeing it <3


That was the first day, though...


5. Second day: MAH FIRST TIME UNDER THE RAIN CONCERT!


Ohyeahbabeh. SYOK BETUL! And it was really amusing that even though it's raining, people still gather around and have fun with the musics! 8D Damn proud of this concert itself wei! <3


6. I dare to say, this is my First-ever BEST CONCERT!


Ohyes. The players in this festival are all top-notch people. ESPECIALLY OUR OWN UCSI BAND. It was simply AMUAZING. I must emphasize again: AMUAAAAAAZINGGGGGG. And Frances is definitely AWESHUM! Through this concert, I once again held utmost respects to everyone playing up the stage there. And especially Mr. Juan Pablo. I simply adore his compositions! Though I dislike the fact that the teachers said that "Pop musics are JUNK musics", but I must understand that compare to those Latin musics, Pop musics are really NOTHING.


Still, I wanted to compose AWESHUM Pop Musics. >D


And seeing how Ms. Lee conducted in the stage makes me wanna to that too LAWL! XDDD


7. And I dare to say: Asians play BETTER than anyone else!


Yes, Westerners may sound better in vocals but... Instrument and band wise, I don't know why, I'm deeply moved by the Asians' bands. (Especially our school's band, once again 8D Though they compromise of different members for each songs but still, best of the best!)


But then hor, that vocalist in Asian Beats hor... Sorry lah, but I REALLY want to hor, beat the crap out of your and let the saxophone/trumpet to take your place lah. D< YOU SHUCKS. Let Frances sing your place! LET HER DO HER JOB! -shot-


I was wondering why Asians play better... was it because I'm bias? But I really don't get the feel when the westerner's band's playing it :/ Not only me, Kou felt the same as well. And also the others... hmmm. I wonder why. Was it because Asian players listen to more genres of musics? Hmmmmmmmmm. -thinks-


8. Still... IT'S AN AWESHUMSAUCE WEEKEND!!! 8DDDDDDDDDD


Though, I must note to self: When it's a Contemporary Music Fest, it's best to bring your LOVER instead of your best friend, because those romantic songs sounds just soooooooo awkward at that time, and especially when you and your best friend are FOREVER-ALONE-ING. =3=;;;

= = =

Phew... After those things for the week, I'm... sick. XD
Must be because of the rain and the things I ate <w<
I should get some more rest... .w.


WHAI YOU BLEED RIGHT NOW?! WHAAAAAI ;A;


I TOMORROW EXAM WHAI YOU BLEED RIGHT NOW?! TAT


I just hope that my Drum Exam will be smoothly conducted ;3; -prays to the god-

Of Families and Hatred

Insert: 黑吃黑 (by A-Mei)


Normally, I won't do this. But today, I think of keeping a journal of how on earth I'm raged by my family... just to note myself NEVER do that to them anymore.


省下力气。


11.11.11


You, call me, to take care of my nephew YOUR golden grandchild, today.
But you, did not, tell me, when and all those details.


Fiiiiiiine.


I go to my bro's house right after school time - to do my job as I promised you that day.
And, should I say "luckily" I called you and tell you that I'm there already.


Oh, how foolish I am.


You're frustrated over the other end of the phone, and tell me that they're still gonna come over to our house to eat dinner. Uhuh. Why did I not think of that?


Clearly because you didn't tell me WHEN on earth the parents of the child is going off.
And you're saying as if you're not going to be there for the whole damn night.
And now you're questioning “你怎样做东西的哦？”


Fiiiiiiine.


My fault, then.
My fault.


I shall either NEVER help you in taking care of that foolish grandchild that's been paaaampered by his other grandparents anymore, or I shall do it my own way, or I shall be kindly ask for all those details from you.


And then you will be saying this:


"This is common sense! Why you need to ask? I thought you already know!"






"Thought". Truly, the best word in the WORLD.






Oh well, it's okay.
I can always say "Oh sorry I'm very busy I cannot take care of those miiiinial stuffs."
I can always say THAT.


And don't be angry or be sad that time.


= = =


Sometimes, it's not what I become, it's how you raise me made me becoming who I am.
And through those ages under your... cage,


I came to hate you people.


I have stated this in my old blog, and I'm continuing in my new blog.
Because that's how you treat me, and I'm keeping this salt to my wound in the future.
To remind myself never repeat any foolish mistakes that I would make upon you people's...

"Ideology".